you are my deepest desire

Beautiful & Captivating

Where do I start to tell of a tale~

A tale untold that grew louder with time
It beats, it screams sometimes it seems
I wish it can be done away
Exchange the pole that 'tracts to stray

Boxes stacked crashed over head
It's time to clear and give away
A new mail comes every now and then
A ghost persuading to live again

Never been crossed the path of two
How possible it is to match up to
It's one to dream up in the space
I feel this chase will never pace.

It's time to throw, the old, the new
And those invisible in one's pro-fuse
I learn I shall stay by my Christ
In Him, let me be all suffice.

1st Dec

& 3:17 AM
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Beautiful & Captivating

~~A lot to give thanks about~~

Thank you God for this year... 2009.

I still remember sitting down at Suntec's starbucks a few hours before the new year's bell... feeling so anxious of the coming year in 2009.....what is going to come...what will I be doing... will I be able to make it through and continue leaping & jumping through hoops as you catch me and toss me around in an amazing and surprising manner. I love it :) Thank you God!

Thank you for catching me every step of the way..... thank you for loving me and bringing me to places I can't even imagine :) Thank you for your favor. I am really blessed and I thank you thank you thank you for all that you have placed in my life. I pray you 'll help me through to be faithful to them continuously and help me Lord. I need you.

Thank you for opening doors for me in theatre~~ first it was TV then this year it was theatre :) And it seems like when the door opens, I go in with a BANG! Lord you are AMAZING. How will I ever... can I ever do that???? I CAN'T!!! It's ALL YOU!!!! I PRAISE YOU PRAISE YOU PRAISE YOU!!! *BIG HUGE CLAPSSSSS~~~~~~~WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!*

When "-MCD-" (gonna acronym everything~~blog muz stay out of reach....esp to 11 yr old boys who might go do a search & print of my pics and passed around in class...muz not happen again...) started in Season 1 it was the highest rating in that channel~~~the kids loved the show~~~ I heard feedbacks from one boy when he recognized me ~~ *which I still dunno how to respond to that...I'm jus not used to tt....* He told me how him & his classmates discussed about the show and out of all the characters, they like my character a lot cos Molly was the only smart one~~~ *Lol~~~~* This is so out of this world for me. I used to discussed about other people in the show I watched when I was a kid....and now it's the other way and it's surreal~~~ in a good way~~ I'm happy :)

And when You opened the door for me to step back into theatre, I was playing the lead character in "-LGF-" and every show received awesome feedbacks from the audience. Seats were always filled that it became a sell out performance ~ not just to schools but days when it's jus public audience~~~ Thank you Lord - I would never have survived & finish 51 shows without you. It was my first time doing so many shows at one time... I was wondering if I would be able to do it...cos when the show premiered in Esplanade Studio Theatre, I was so exhausted after just 6 shows! I had to run around, jump, hop, sing, dance, throw things around...well pretty much everything a naughty & playful 8 yr old boy frog would do.... but you assured me, that I don't need those protein shake - that I will be well taken cared of by Holy Spirit... that You will help me and see me through every single show... that You are with me every day~~ that You will bless the audience watching the show :) Thank you Lord~~~ Thank you Lord~~~

I was...well we were all sick in fact, for the first week of show (almost losing our voices, nose running...) and by mid 2nd week, we were all fine~~ Thank you Lord~~~ U R Awesome~~~

Then comes "-D&D-" which I am so privileged to be working with the master who is awesome with his skills. Experienced in his field, been in movies for his works and etc~~ I am so glad to be learning from him and I thank you Lord for the favor found.
Thank you Jesus~~~

Puppetry is definitely not easy and it's something different and new which I have never learned before. I am so glad to have gained a new skill! :D And learned from the best! :) And all the puppets which he made... wow... I dunno how he did them...but every single one of them, hand made, including the head pieces on every actors' head... Lord bless him. I pray he'll come to know you soon... May he be found & healed by you. In Jesus name, amen.

The encouragements and lessons I learned from "-D&D-" has been mind altering... in a good way :) Esp about pleasing people... not to take everyone's opinions to heart... esp the ones who are constantly trying to beat you down... If one befriends an enemy (who constantly beats you down) to be approved & liked by them, then that is worrying... for you would have become like one against your very own soul... I have learned that it is SO normal NOT to be liked by all and the opinions of those who doesn't matter (build me up) to me, should never stick. Never. For what is the use of one who throws you a tear down card. There is no other way that card can played but to be thrown away. Keeping it is jus futile. Even if it's thrown by a big shot. It's futile. Which is why God never does that...cos He knows it will never work. I must learn to flick away comments that are not helpful, tt are hurtful and learn to distill what I hear. It doesn't mean things put out in a bad manner but are helpful will be distilled - it's taking out the bad manners trash and taking in the main contents. I must stop trying to hear bad things. Hear good things !!!

I thank you Lord that throughout this -D&D- journey I have learned more about dealing with people, drawing my boundaries and most of all it has made me want to learn more about You.

We went for supper a few times and one of this time we talked about religion and beliefs. It was a conversation that triggered me a lot. I was sitting there listening to an Atheist telling me about his journey to why he has a problem with Christianity and the bible...about evolution... questions on contradictions which he found in the bible... the links he made between the bible and Buddhism.... and ended with - go read Darwin's book....

I was trying to hold myself together so I don't burst into a thousand flames and become a human torch.... yupp...I was that uncomfortable... I felt helpless, angry at myself, I felt sad for him and myself and really trying to share my point of view but nothing came out. The conversation was taken...and I was taken aback...

I wanted to stop him and shine light into his eyes.... but I know that will just make the person run for cover and hide in the darkness...offended by the surprise "attack".... I felt angry at myself for having all these mixed feelings... I want to say something but there are many things I do not know or have forgotten the answers myself! All the intellectual conversations on evolution, questions on - Did God create evil, Why God killed the firstborn of the Egyptians (which he pointed out the innocent children...but there're firstborns who are adults as well in Egypt), Why kill the innocents? Why did God reject and chase his own creation out of the garden? Why did he put that tree there and the serpent there....

The questions came over like a Tsunami... and all I could do was to sit there and listen... I want to and tried to intervene... but when someone is telling you his version of convictions, his questions... it just seems like a passing train... all you can hear is the echo after... and I am left to ponder... to search and... yupp...I did beat myself up for not knowing, not able to answer... and I carried the burden for a long 2 weeks... that I am not equipped enough to answer...

But I thank you for that God, cos I know through that, I will learn better and next time, may I have the courage to reply and the heart to sit through the conversation without the flames within...

All these triggers have led me to an awesome website which I am stilll reading on. I have learned a lot from it and I will share the link on my next post :) Gonna read through and make sure~~~

Thank you Lord for fulfilling my dreams of performing in Esplanade this year and Drama Center too!!! You are awesome!!!

Eph 3:20
"God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us."

I can't THANK YOU ENOUGH!!!

You are my wildest dreams~~~ You are....
You are next~~~ :p *Kekeke~~~*

Lord I dunno what is next for me but I will continue on and give my best~~ help me and may Holy Spirit work within me towards what you have for me Lord. I await~~~

Thank you thank you thank you Lord~~~~
With you I have everything. You are my everything, my all, my love~~~
*Hugs*

Lord, I really want to be away from here... can you bring me to the country which I dreamed of?

I pray and give you my future~~ 2010~~ may I walk your plans in the coming year~~
Bring me there Lord.
*Love*

26th Nov

& 2:22 AM
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Beautiful & Captivating

. . .

I feel so SO bloody angry... I want to just hit the wall, scream into the pillow and throw my bed over...! Seriously. Have you ever got your idea stolen and the person is parading around, smiling in your face, doing what was originally yours and prancing around like a winner... I regretted telling her. Gawd.................. I hate that steal and smile face. I feel like the bricks under my feet had just been knocked off & stolen so she can stand to the original place where she fell a few days ago cos she pissed off the director. She wants to redeem herself and there it is...being proud again... which was what got her into trouble in the first place... but blames the trouble on us and takes revenge by missing the show and we had to do last min frantic covers in the show for her due to "the pain" in her neck.

And she goes on being so friendly and nice and most of all sincere... sincere!!! What good acting~~but fail acting physically~~ I know how it looks when one has terrible neck strains. Argh...but the way she reacts... it's just confusing...maybe I'm wrong... I dunno. Makes me wonder... perhaps some percentage of siociopath is present. Gawd the fake-ness disgust me to the core!!!! I feel so so disgusted and so yucky. I hate when devious is being played. I hate games. I hate feeling that !

And what disappoints me most was the puppet master... I respect him a lot, I just dunno why he lets this person ran all over him like dust on the road. He doesn't speak up much or confronts her but let her go on disrespecting him, over riding him by going straight to the director without checking. And today, though he knew that was my idea and I did said I was gonna be trying it out today, he asked her to do it. I felt so offended and like I could have exploded right there and then. I did not know what else to say and how to say how I feel right there and then. I should have and I missed my chance. I gotta do better next time and not let junk scums color my world!!!

As Signa would put it - I WON'T STAND FOR THIS!!!!
>: ( *burnssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss*
*ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGHARGH ARGH ARGH*
God help me................ I need to cool down and at the same time I want to throw bricks into deep waters!!!!!!!!! :((((((((

*ARGH!!!!*
: (

& 1:50 AM
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Beautiful & Captivating

I feel so tired Lord~~
But I want to write to you...

What I come to learn on Tues is mind boggling and eye opening which I pray without a doubt that one day I will experience that. I pray that I will walk closer & closer to you. I wish that I can finish this D & D production and move on to you... I feel so tired... sigh. Thank you for blessing me still... I'm sorry this is getting in the way... :( I should not be taking it up. Thank you for blessing though I make mistakes. I am glad to learn from this journey. I pray we will walk closer & closer Lord. I wish I can just getaway with you now...to the mountain... I pray I can afford to go to the mountain.... can you take me there Lord?

I want to be like Sparta... trust. And playful :p *hee hee hee*
I will get there~~ where ever that you want me to go.
Boldness & courage is mine & me.
I can do all things, everything through Christ who strengthens me, who is in me & who can do more than what I can imagine!!! More than! I will be imagining some crazy impossible stuff!! Watch out God~~!! I believe them & I believe you are that powerful!!! I dun know how will it be like for - exceedingly more than what I can imagine~~~!!! I imagined that I can fly!! What will more than what I can imagine be??? I know I can never beat you... who am I...but your lil' dusty playful daughter~~~ :)

I miss you Lord... very much... I'm sorry I haven't been spending time with you as much as I want... all these works and people around me are pretty draining... :(

Holy Spirit pls help me to make the most out of this next 16 days... may they speed by like 1 secs of your mini minute Lord~~ *kisses*
I love you.

I will see you soon.
Please help me to understand that you are more than enough. not books, skills, people... but you. I am so glad Lord you make me the way that I am. I am not a genius, not really a miss logical, not a scientist, not a brainiac person or too smart for my own good... all I have is I believe you. All that you say in the bible. Now I just have to be closer to you & trust you. Trust. Knowing & trusting. Help me Lord.

May I walk like Enoch did.
:)
*hugs*

& 1:14 AM
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Beautiful & Captivating

A little quiet... to a different place~

It's been awhile since the last time I came here to write down my thoughts... finally just some peace from this busy city. I wish there is a place that I can go every now and then...a place of my own where I can just be. Regain silence...breathe.... and look up at you. Write ~ Dance freely ~ Sing and fall freely into what you have created in me~~~ in you.

I love it when I can just melt in your presence... with no cares... no cares of the rest around... cos there are none. I dunno how to explain but the joy is unexplainable Lord. I'm a little kid again. Like that girl on the train who hugged her daddy's right leg tightly as the train moves... *smiles*

Today I learned so much from the Pastor... thank you Lord for speaking to me. Thank you for teaching me. I am so grateful for all the trials & lessons you have put in my life. All the testings & tough times. It's like your books have come alive in my life. Everything makes more sense now. What every hero have gone through in the bible, they made so much sense to me now.

The time when everything died. The things which held my heart ~ arts, drama, directing, the vision, the dream, the gift... the people who mattered more ~ the boyfriends... my dad... the cycles, the comfortable routines that took me away... I was lost in the routine of... engulfed and swallowed. They also took what you put in my heart away... gosh...so so many things Lord...I was missing you and yet I felt like I couldn't move towards you... I only needed you when I needed you and I had no idea of your heart for me.

The things and happenings that robbed me away from you...were robbed from me so I can see again. Those access luggage and cares became my identity and tags... and when I thought I knew you jus becos I had walked with you since my youth... I was so wrong. I had no idea. Until everything was removed and all I had was you.

I became angry... I questioned and asked all the whys... why did it happen...what was wrong with me...why do I have to go through certain trials over and over... the moments of feeling angry, sad, disappointments, loneliness, in pain, in shame, ignoring you and eventually needing you more than ever.

Today's learning:
Job.
He got robbed too. By Satan becos God allowed. His everything. His business empire, his children, his house, his health... and later on he was experiencing going blind, lung infection, skin disease, depression and etc...

Lord I'm so amazed at how he is Lord. Who am I Lord... Thank you Lord for your grace for me. I am grateful and touched. Oh Lord, I am truly amazed by his heart...

Job 1:20, 21b
"Everything gone, his children died... and yet at the end of the day... he stood up and tore his robe in grief. Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground to worship." In 21b "The Lord gave me what I had and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!”

He praised you even after losing his precious children...went bankrupt... I can't imagine a parent losing a child... I had dealt with losing a friend...I don't know how and I don't want to imagine how it's like losing a child...

Yet he praised you Lord... How amazing and precious that must have meant for you. Your heart must have melted to a million pieces. Thank you Lord for creating Job. You are amazing. How does one so righteous exist?

And through these testings and trials... you kept silence with Job... I remembered your silence a few years back... it was torturing. I couldn't understand what was happening. I believed and knew what you can do, what your powerful hand can do...but yet all I heard was the devil laughing... that you were angry at me, that I was not good enough, that I did something wrong, that I was not perfect enough, that since I believed God is Almighty and can indeed help me... then there is nothing wrong with God but everything wrong with me.

There was no sign of rescue... no sign of miracle... no words of encouragement... but just plain dry land of nothingness... bare. I was walking with disappointment and disbelief...why did you put that vision and relationships/friendships in my life but yet at the end of the day, everything did not work out... they were all gone... people that were similar to Job's friends popped all around me... time passed and I couldn't do a single thing. I floated around like a ghost... wishing I was human again if only God will find me worthy. I tried so many times with my own strength...even when I did well, nothing happened. I felt angry - like what do you want from me God? What is good enough???

I didn't understand the covenant of God's love & grace for me... I was going through life following the old covenant of the law... doing everything I can, trying the hardest to be a certain way - perfect... which results to nothing. And I praise God that it resulted to nothing. The old covenant belief only leads to death. It led me to confusion, frustration and a lot of anger at myself and convinced that God did not love me...

Job thought the same thing too...

Job 16:9
"God hates me and angrily tears me apart. He snaps his teeth at me and pierces me with his eyes."

Devil also came back again and again trying to convince me that God is not able. I remembered being so angry and refusing to believe that you are not.

I didn't know why I was going through that... I believe the devil wanted me to give up, to stop loving you... so as to Job...

Yet throughout all that he was going through, physically tortured, emotionally beaten... Job had such confidence in God...that everything happened for a reason... he held on...

Job 23:10
"But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold." (NIV)
"But he knows where I am going. (How I'm going to be) And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold." (NLT) (Italics mine)

Without these trials & testings, I would never have known you... the bible would never have made sense... I would never have become the person that I am... and I am thankful Lord... I prayed that I have praised you during these periods... I pray that for the days of testing to come, may I be like Job. He is awesome Lord...

James 5:11
"We give great honor to those who endure under suffering. For instance, you know about Job, a man of great endurance. You can see how the Lord was kind to him at the end, for the Lord is full of tenderness and mercy."

Rom 5:3-5
"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."

Job passed the test and he was qualified for the double portion. God restored unto him a double portion of everything. Everything! Praise God!

2 Tim 2:12
"If we endure hardship, we will reign with him. If we disown him, he will also disown us"

Lord I love how at the end, Job said this...
Job 42:5-6
"I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance."

Now I truly see who you really are Lord and I am amazed. I feel so loved and honored by you. Lord how have I deserved your love and attention that you wrote this of me. Of how I would be and become... Thank you Lord for your grace and mercy. Thank you Holy Spirit. Thank you Lord Jesus. I am deeply moved and grateful.

The restoration message. This is the 2nd time I have receive this message from you Lord. I pray that if it pleases you, may a double portion be restored unto me as it has to Job.

Job 42:12-15
"So the Lord blessed Job in the second half of his life even more than in the beginning. For now he had 14,000 sheep, 6,000 camels, 1,000 teams of oxen, and 1,000 female donkeys. (All double of what he previously owned in business) He also gave Job seven more sons and three more daughters. He named his first daughter Jemimah, the second Keziah, and the third Keren-happuch. In all the land no women were as lovely as the daughters of Job. And their father put them into his will along with their brothers."

The Lord has even restored unto Job children who blessed his heart, whereas previously, he had to worry if they have cursed God in their hearts and Job had to make offerings for them constantly.

I have also learned that I have to trust and be in your word more. I have become like Job... that at the back of my mind, bad news hovers around telling me not to be too happy when I'm blessed...

Job 3:25
"What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true."

Even in his former blessings (Job 29 - they are seriously awesome), he had not known you enough to be at peace. He had that - What if one day... fear.

Lord, I am the same... I pray that those bad news which I have heard happened to fellow brothers/sisters will become dissipating shadows before you. May nothing grip me in fear. That to live is Christ, to die is gain.

Job 19:25-27
"But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and he will stand upon the earth at last. And after my body has decayed, yet in my body I will see God! I will see him for myself. Yes, I will see him with my own eyes. I am overwhelmed at the thought!"

May my heart, mind & being trust you more and be at peace. That no matter what happen, may I come forth as gold.

No matter what happens, I will be fine. You hold me and my world. You created and wrote me in your books. No one can ever take away your love nor your hand that writes destiny. In you I will live~~~ Thank you for restoring me thus far Lord ~ Thank you thank you thank you Lord!! May I continue to know you more and more and more~~~! Amen.

*Hugs* - your infinite leg
:p

Guide me Lord in this and the coming seasons... the year is ending soon and I have so much to discover... Everything are nothing but you. I love it. May they continue to be nothing compared to you.

*Loves*

10th Oct

& 10:28 PM
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Beautiful & Captivating

~~I love you~~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-f2zbPVJcY&feature=related

I pray Lord, that day will come... where I will see you... see you so close... and touch you... May I be like dove, your dove... I want to have eyes like that for you Lord. Help me Lord to get there.

I'm really glad to learn more about me... I pray I'll know... may your wisdom be upon me... to know... how Lord to love me and be me.

I'm glad to be where I am. Thank you for helping me see through that experience Lord. I want to get there step by step...

I'm glad to have gone through that and speaking my honest feelings. I know that you will deliver me when I call and when you don't means I have something to learn from it and I'm glad to see the part of me that I need to accept, love and learn. I pray Lord you'll help me. I dunno why subconsciously I'm this way... I pray you'll help me love me and vocalize me.

I need a break from everything.
Work is good...but for now, I wish I can run away with you and learn a better me...and most imptly ~ you.

See you soon Father. Lord. Jesus. Counselor. My Love. My Everything.

30 Sept

& 2:30 AM
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Beautiful & Captivating

Today :)

It was an oddly pleasant experience to have hundreds of children coming up to you and asking for an autograph~~ the beaming smile and look that they have when you give them something... a smile, a hi five, an autograph and a thank you for coming... it's precious. I dunno how to explain... It's genuine. It's precious.

The way things are nowadays... speed... instant everything. From noodles to love, technology to studies... and sadly from a child to a childult being "overcooked" & painfully distorted in a microwave world... It's painful to know, when I see children growing up too fast... being exposed and sponging up wrong information seen on TV, magazines, movies, people about sex and the mindset on values... on what is cool and what is not. Often trends are more important than values and personal identity. Being the human stamp approved "livestock" is more important than being organic and original... taking time to be and grow.

What is the hurry???? What is really the hurry to grow up??? Robbing rubies. The devil is robbing rubies of this world and perhaps the stamp of the infamous triple 6 may not be much visible to the physical eye but rather that of what is in the heart... towards the latest "coolness" and a generation of "it's fine - I don't care - I want to be like that"... accepting everything popular or rather peer-pular. I pray Lord that all parents of the world will know where to draw the line to protect these precious children Lord. May the future generation of Abraham and Jesus be revived and may these rubies be protected to grow into the strong diamond you so want them to be.

Freedom can be lethal with no boundaries. Medication and weapons, words and values, everything has a boundary. I wish on every heart to know you Lord... where they can dwell and finally found the boundlessness freedom in your heart and in your words. May more hearts be a foreigner in this land awaiting for the day when you'll arrive to bring us back to your intentions.

The beginning is so beautiful Lord. I can't imagine how your story would end. It's not just a story about us... it's a story about You. You. YOU. Love. LOVE. The greatest and longest story ever told... ever unfold and still unfolding until You say The End. I want Lord to read to me all over again when I get to heaven. I want to hear everything!! We'll have all the time in the world and I want to hear them all! You must be an awesome story teller~~ *hehe* I shall not imagine~~ :) I look forward to that Lord :) I pray I'll be able to see you Lord. Help me understand how to get there and be closer to you Father. Lord. Love. Friend. Jesus.

Thank you for carrying me~ thank you for bringing me on an adventure~ I wonder where next and what will I see next? :) *Hugs* I'm so glad and happy that I make you smile Lord. That no matter what I do or not do, it doesn't matter. Help me to understand that more and more Lord. May it be embedded within me. Thank you Lord for loving me. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you. I am so so grateful and I feel like I'm still trying to understand... how Lord, how have I deserve your unfailing love and favor, you carrying me, being with me every single second... Thank you for not leaving me and for nagging your love to me :) THANK YOU! I need that! Your servant is slow to understand and needs much guidance... I must stop judging myself and be so harsh on myself...

Thank you Lord for what you have done so I can be with God. Thank you Lord. I love you. I pray I'll be able to go somewhere and just learn and soak you up... I dunno where... guide me Lord. Where can I go to learn from you? Guide me Lord...

I pray you'll guide me to the right place of fellowship as well... Holy Spirit please hold my heart and may your wisdom fall upon me to make the right choice... where God wants me to be. I need you and just you Lord. Help me get there Lord... where ever it may be.

4 more days to the end of performance... I'm amazed how you have brought me through this...Thank you Lord for protecting me and helping me through. I love you~~~~ You are amazing!

Help me listen...
May my ears and heart be open...
Focused on my most important audience.
You.

I love you Lord.
Goodnight.

p.s: Thank you for Pastor Freeky (I hope I get his name right...) Thank you Lord for saving him and that I was able to see him and hear him preach... Thank you Lord for his story and what you have done in his life. That is so so amazing and I can't wait for more. Thank you Lord.
*hugs&love*

17Sept

& 11:00 PM
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