Many times in order to fight for yourself, You have to fight yourself.
I have been dreaming about fights. Fighting the person and people who have been and are trying to take things away from me, taking what belongs to me. I fought so hard that I literally couldn't breathe and my heart felt weird... I woke. Breathed.
I wanted to kill the person who has been bullying me and taking what was mine.
And then I found out... subconsciously, I was fighting myself...in so many ways.
Quote: "To dream that you are in a fight, indicates innerturmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life.
To dream that you are fighting to the death, indicates that you are unwilling to acknowledge a waking conflict or your own inner turmoil. You are unwilling and refusing to change your old attitudes and habits."
I will fight to win. I must win. And make change. Away with my old attitudes and habits!!! It starts NOW.
1Cor 9:27 "27No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."
I feel like I have just been captured for a crime and thrown into a dungeon... seeing things coming to an end and it's really testing. Lord, overall I have so many overwhelming feelings that I dunno where to start. It's really testing and I need to go back to your word. Whenever I opened your word, I feel like I have stepped into an island...literally an island of buffet...jungles of food that I don't know where to start... and there's another catch.... I feel like I have to know how to "chop, dice, mix and cook" these food so I could digest them and not get chocked with the food going nowhere... Sighs. Lord, I know and feel like I don't have much time left... the year is coming to an end and it's scary. I will pray & pray & pray as Tracy said...and go back to that island of food...
I wish I'm in an island... another island... with just you and not a few other millions of ppl... and just... chill with you Lord. An island... reading & meditating on your word... not worrying about next year and work... the work that is not here yet...
It is a challenge of trust... Lord pls help me... I don't wanna put my security in ppl, money and situations... it is such a challenge... a struggle... I'm sorry Lord... pls help me... A lot of things are being taken away and I'm wondering if it is an uprooting of weeds in my life?? There will be no more filming of MCD for next year... so far no news on stage work, nor teaching, nor directing... nothing. I feel like the last time I stepped out, I was falling from a plane...and this time I'm falling from a space shuttle... it's getting higher... Lord pls catch me.
The endings of no beginnings, the annoyance of a few whom I wish can be "cut off & burned"... and now I feel like I'm floating... slowly.. dropping... silently..
All I can say is... Lord I'm calling out to you... Please help me. I dun wanna be drowned by my fears and I pray my faith & "cooking skills" will be built up... May everything needed to be the next best version of me be built up... Holy Spirit... Lord Jesus... my hands & feet are tied, lead me to where you want to free me...
This journey is not always easy... But I know something is cooking and as much as I hate feeling this way, I have to hold on. Lord please help me to hold on. Faith, Trust, Your Word, Prayers, Remember your goodness, Remember the testimonies of my brothers & sisters around... if you have called me out, you will not leave me to "die". You're my leader and my Lord.
....anxious.... ... ..... .... ... .. I will pray.
My life & my heart is in your hands. Thank you for giving and taking away. Thank you for still loving me the way I am now. Thank you for comforting me though I forget them very often. Thank you for guiding me and watching over me. Thank you for sending people to talk to me. Thank you for showing me the doors that are closed. Thank you for building me up. Thank you for what is coming. Thank you for the greater that you have in stored for me. Thank you for writing my story. Thank you for all the beautiful _____ & _____ that you have shown me. Thank you for loving me the way I am...the battling mind that I have. Thank you for challenging me and preparing me for greater victory. Thank you for reminding me. Again & again & again & again. Thank you for nagging. Thank you Holy Spirit ~ You are awesome. I pray I'll experience u more & more tangibly. I missed laughing with you... Thank you Jesus ~ I can't live without you. *hugs* Thank you Father ~ Remind me again... *BT hugs* Thank you angels for doing what you do. Thank you Lord, I pray and know soon I will abandon my heart & mind to you... Help me get there... I need "pain killers" but I have a feeling it won't work that way.
May everything work out according to your plans. May your will be done on my life. Amen.
Help O Lord... this thing that wraps around my spirit is giving me a hard time. Free me Holy Spirit. Thank you...
Favorite quotes from an unknown guy called Kenneth Hildebrand
Quote 1
"Freedom is the opportunity to make decisions..."
Quote 2
"Someone receives a promotion, gets an important assignment, makes a major discovery, or moves into the president's office. He's lucky, an envious person remarks. He gets the breaks; they're always in his favor. In reality, luck or the breaks of life had little or nothing to do with it. So-called luck usually is found at the exact point where preparation meets opportunity. For a time, an individual may get ahead by pull, but eventually someone with push will displace him. Success is not due to a fortuitous concourse of stars at our birth, but to a steady trail of sparks from the grindstone of hard work each day."
Quote 3
"Strong lives are motivated by dynamic purposes; lesser ones exist on wishes and inclinations."
Quote 4
"Multitudes of people, drifting aimlessly to and fro without a set purpose, deny themselves such fulfillment of their capacities, and the satisfying happiness which attends it. They are not wicked, they are only shallow. They are not mean or vicious; they simply are empty -- shake them and they would rattle like gourds. They lack range, depth, and conviction. Without purpose their lives ultimately wander into the morass of dissatisfaction. As we harness our abilities to a steady purpose and undertake the long pull toward its accomplishment, rich compensations reward us. A sense of purpose simplifies life and therefore concentrates our abilities; and concentration adds power."
Quote 5
"The easiest thing to do, whenever you fail, is to put yourself down by blaming your lack of ability for your misfortunes."
I'm beginning to understand the messages that have been thrown at me all this while. It's like reading the bible for the 10 thousandth times and then finally... you got it. That one part that was in your face... now finally made not just good sense but it has a certain ring to it. Time to wake up.
I have wished to go overseas but alas... like the ship that was re-directed for Peter, God re-directed mine to stay here... and as he was, I am feeling really uncomfortable and reluctant to stay... the unsatisfied self... argh-ing within... to go...get away....why am I still here... things have not changed and I had plans to use my money for a nice and well deserved break... but.
I have been challenged. To give it away. To give the security blanket away. Like how it was and has been when I first started back into theatre/tv....back to this land... it seems easier than.... and now I have been challenged to give it... it is SUCH a struggle I won't lie. I am STILL STRUGGLING and it feels awful! I can't sleep...
A part of me just wanna dive and just give that money away. Another part of me screams of - I want my holiday! I want to save it up cos I haven't been doing that! I want to use it to do other things! I need to buy presents! I need them for next year cos I don't know when is the next job! Lord............ T_T
Yes this is such a struggle of faith... I feel like I've been pulled in 2 directions and ... I just screamed... softly.... it's 2.55am...
Another part of me draws as the other part withdraws.... sighs. The Lord gives.... He is watching over me..... so give! Trust! Just do it! FAITH! Lol~~~~ maybe that word was meant for me.... gosh. -_-''' Sorry David if I gave u what God meant to tell me.... >_<
Lord............................................ help me to overcome my unbelief to belief and faithless to faithful and faith abundant so I can give abundantly. I do not wanna rob you of offerings. Spirit help me out............... this is like a faith offering. Lord, I pray I can overcome and be a steward so I know nothing holds me but you. Nothing but you.
Lord you knew at 4.04am today on 10th Dec 2009, I will give that amount up to you. *Relief* ...... and much Joy. Though I have little now, I have everything because I have you. That nothing holds me now but you... my eyes are set on you Lord... Faith. Faith. Faith. Fill my heart continuously with Faith and not fear of the unknown Lord. I will not lie... I feel like I'm standing before the red sea, before my lions, before the giants, before the mountains, before the unknown. May your hosts of angels be with me...may my eyes be opened to see them (if u allow). Catch me Lord. More than catch me, Lord I want to see how You will part my sea, kill the lions, slay the giants, push down the mountains and shine pass the unknown.
Lord I lie await for you and place me, my life, my cares & concerns before you. Save me Lord.
My life as an artist, though no longer a rich one in human terms, I am rich as your child.
Lord thank you.
~ As I listen ~
This is our God
Freely you gave it all for us Surrender your life upon that cross Great is the love Pour out for all
This is my God
Lifted on high from death to life Forever our God is glorified Servant and King Rescued the world This is my God.
What miracles will come? I need one Lord. I need you. Help me to trust you more & more. Save me Lord. Open my eyes to see.
14th Feb
Me.
~I am well kept by Him in the secret place...
~Everyday amongst or beyond, I look up...smiles...He is there.
~He carries me... even before I came to be, He carried me...played with me...spoke to me and cuddled me... whispered sacred treasures into my heart...
~"I love you and I know how you'll be...I see you and I'll keep the heart of my eyes with you. I love you and I'll be with you..." "Your name is."
~I don't shine among a crowd of strangers...but have ears and heart for the thoughts of one
~I like to shine in the world for you...but I want to hide away from it as well...
~The sum of me is lesser than the equation of this world.... But it's more than the life of Your heart...
~You marvel me Lord...your deep love marvels me.
~I love you God, Lord Jesus & Holy Spirit.
~I love you.
I appreciate this love
This world is my playground with you
Of dreams of hope and a journey
Arising and moving
To be in love with you day after day
This layout was done by nette and the Codes from kriss. Finally, I would like to introduce you to a highly talented photographer, Michal Zaleski: pbase.
