Lord, thanks for letting me hit something else and not the wall... I was dumbfounded... and so... I am sorry Lord. I have a lot to learn...
Once again, you won't know the theory until it becomes a reality... then it no longer is a theory but a close to your heart experience... it is still sinking in for me. I have enough spiritual treasures stolen from me these past few months!!! ENOUGH!
The joy that surrounds, the confident trust that anchors you to throw lifesavers around, the amazement of all things that neighbors along with joy, the admiration of all His works...all, the amusement in little things and amazingly faults as well, the wonders of what is to come, the peace that assures comfort, the love that settles me down and most of all the desires to know God more.
Yes they were all robbed from me the past few months after I made a decision following the "safe way" that my eyes could see and my head could plan rather than where He wanted me to be... to go on a holiday with Him. Sigh.
I boarded a pirate bus heading to seemingly the right direction but God knows... I was about to be robbed. It's kinda like watching a little hamster from above going through a maze... it heads the wrong path... u picked lil' hammy up to start again but lil' hammy still heads the same way. Yes...that's me... I sense Him saying nope...don't take up the job...let's go spend time together... but I was thinking about earning more money and experience... sigh. I'm sorry Lord.
The pirate bus took me on a spin shaking my faith and trust when I was sick and when I was about to head out of Singapore.
How true it is that even when I am unfaithful, faithless, doubtful, being tossed around by my waves of drowning thoughts, becoming a screaming banshee and literally feeling the irritating frustration crawling on my skin as I try to do what I hear... God told me to be still, to rest, to not do anything.... yes nothing. (That I'm not suppose to find jobs - nothing. I'm not to send out my resume...not to send out my show reels, not to - in my terms, let others know I exist. I want to be financially independent this year and plan to write scripts and do school shows... but I am told to be still. That jobs will come find me.) How true it is that even when I fail to be, God never fails.
Love never fails.
Oh Lord I am just like the disciples in the boat crying out as the waves toss & turns... I know you're with me...but I don't know better. I don't know you better...that you're with me and you love me and you carry me... I feel comforted that the disciples cried out... I failed and cried so many times... I pray I will know you enough to write what James wrote...
"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do." James 1:2-8
I asked for wisdom, Lord why am I in this situation... God told me during worship, told me through prayers from my bros & sis... but yet I doubted and got tossed around. My body and mind were fighting with my spirit. Arguing day and night. Between the natural and the supernatural.
Natural - How are you going to have any jobs if you don't go out there and find? How are you going to be anything if you don't follow the procedure of what everyone is doing to get there?? Look at where you are now - you're back down lower... still doing school shows and doing swing parts! Teaching... Isn't that what you do not want? Didn't you want to study? How is money gonna come in if you don't do anything? How are you going to get the money you need if you don't start something? Comon go write scripts and do school shows already! What are you waiting for? Send your resumes! Get you show reels out!
Spirit - Stop. Don't do anything. Rest. God is going to provide for you. Yes, you don't have to do anything. Jobs will come to you. Rest.
"There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience."
Heb 4:9-11
My spiritual family members confirmed and told me God wants me to just spend good time with Him and laugh.
I had a hard time accepting this because it didn't make sense at all...and I went back and forth in faith and in doubt... and wondered if what I heard was from God... and this was what it means when "you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind." And indeed I got tossed around and blown by the wind of lies...accusing God for not caring when it was me who has been listening to the wrong team and not having faith in what He said... cos it didn't make sense. The whole tossing thing is such a torture and it made me loose so many things in God.
Ali texted me last week this same verse I got in January -
"This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength." Isa 30:15
Prayers and ppl telling me this season of where I am is where God wants me to be...verses, confirmation, God speaking to me... and still I struggled this week in having faith to believe that is what I'm suppose to do. Part of me believe and know this Red Sea will part and I will go into the promise land. Just REST! But the other part screams as I saw my peers in the industry prospers ~ doing shows and all...
I didn't get the message until God let me hit a saucepan yesterday... and then I realize... Holy Spirit, I pray may you hold all my thoughts and guide me...may your power be rooted in my mind. Help me Lord Jesus...
On Tuesday, Dean... Lord thank you for his journey... it helped me see. After his business with his partner went south he sent out tons of resume...but it wasn't what you wanted him to do... so there were no replies. Months passed by, many things happened but it was all for the good. It all turned out good! He found his wife, now he owns his own company ~ impacting many lives. His walk with God, trust and the work of the Holy Spirit is evidently in him and his team and I can see God's hand in his life. It's amazing.
He told me how if God wants me not to do anything, then don't or I'll be allowing the enemy to steal, kill and destroy. Yes... since I took up the job that I wasn't suppose to... that direction robbed a lot from me and I'm recovering them slowly as I begin to see and stay with my beardy God. *tickles* Yes Lord I will roll with you~
After Dean prayed for me, I was humbled. In fact the past 3-4 month's experiences has been humbling... Why wouldn't it be? I was going my way thinking I know better... I thought God didn't care and I even thought my plans are way better...just becos it made SENSE. *Big sighs...shakes self* I was so wrong. I knew better than God??? *Big Huge Mistake* I believe what Dean said is true - "Talent can't bring you to where character can sustain and keep you." I have much to learn.
Guess what text I receive after praying with Dean? Bro Khuentexted me:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." Prov 3:5-6
*CONFIRMATION*
So I went "away" bringing my laptop as usual... but not to do work... but to read... and guess what I read... Lol... Moses in the desert (in training and preparation for what is to come), Joseph trusting in God despite the whole down experience...Joseph, I kudos and admire your deep trust in God. After receiving that awesome dream that you are going to be the head and your brothers will all bow to you~ you went from being robed in the best clothing to becoming a slave and then a prisoner... I wonder if you had ever wondered what you dreamt was true... And then I read about David being a man after God's heart, his relationship with God when he was a shepherd must have been so wonderful and deep. "The God who rescued me from the paws and mouth of lions, bears and wolves will rescue me from this defying Goliath." *Applause* I want to have that assurance in my heart like David!
So much confirmation... I guess I didn't pass the test well this time..."For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." I pray I will do better from here on...
Lord pls help me to not doubt what I hear though it doesn't make sense to my natural dust brain... what does dust know... and so many times you'll make sure it doesn't make sense... Lol... so that you can show yourself powerful & almighty~~
So Rest. Have fun with Jesus. God is carrying me all the days of my life till my hair is white and when I'm old and grey~~ :) Stop worrying. Just stop. I can be so forgetful with what I've learnt and discovered... and repeat the same mistake... -_-''' Just see my past post this year... Oh Lord plspls help me... knock spiritual sense into me everytimeI am lost.
You know what? All the jobs I've had so far this year... they are all NOT found by me. They called me. I didn't call them. God provided. Thank you Lord.
And what was that saucepan yesterday? A phone call for a very important audition which I did not send my resume for at all... I pray I will win the role.
Nothing is impossible with God. He is with me and is carrying me. In all my ways acknowledge Him, trust Him and He will and is guiding me. Amen.
*Thank you Lord*
Visions reminder: Red Sea, promise land, desert, gold pyramid, inscriptions/directions on the gold pyramid.
14th Feb
Me.
~I am well kept by Him in the secret place...
~Everyday amongst or beyond, I look up...smiles...He is there.
~He carries me... even before I came to be, He carried me...played with me...spoke to me and cuddled me... whispered sacred treasures into my heart...
~"I love you and I know how you'll be...I see you and I'll keep the heart of my eyes with you. I love you and I'll be with you..." "Your name is."
~I don't shine among a crowd of strangers...but have ears and heart for the thoughts of one
~I like to shine in the world for you...but I want to hide away from it as well...
~The sum of me is lesser than the equation of this world.... But it's more than the life of Your heart...
~You marvel me Lord...your deep love marvels me.
~I love you God, Lord Jesus & Holy Spirit.
~I love you.
I appreciate this love
This world is my playground with you
Of dreams of hope and a journey
Arising and moving
To be in love with you day after day
This layout was done by nette and the Codes from kriss. Finally, I would like to introduce you to a highly talented photographer, Michal Zaleski: pbase.
