Beautiful & Captivating
Beautiful learnings...
I know you have so much to teach me about... *glad*
I've learned so much this year... it's all coming around... coming around to teach me - the ones that I have not understood since beginning of the year and like before, you showed me why... not immediately... but when I sat down at your feet to learn.
If I haven't rest, I would never know why.... why certain things happened and didn't happen...
*Thank you Lord for preserving me... for helping me to carry on when it was difficult.
I couldn't understand why Dec '09 - Jan I was coughing so badly... I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and my parents weren't around so I was pretty much home alone. Under normal circumstances, I would LOVE that. But this cough made me so weak that I wished someone was around to comfort me.
I remember wailing...yes wailing and crying my eyes & heart out. I've seen the doc and finished the meds, I've even finished my mum's coughing syrup... think I drank a total of 3-4 bottles of coughing syrup...usually less than 1 is more than suffice. I prayed and prayed, listened to sermons, had faith and even applied the anointing oil...
I couldn't sleep...every time I start to go into sleep mode, I started coughing to the point of vomiting and crying...and some nights I started to ran out of breathe & wheeze. I felt like Lord... where are you? Don't you care that I'm hurting this much? My muscles were painful from the cough but they don't compare to the abandon feeling I felt in my heart. I really felt like I was alone... I felt angry the the devil was winning with this stupid disease, I felt angry that Lord, why didn't you do anything after my cries & prayers day after day...
1 month of disturbed sleep... I'm glad You didn't assign me any jobs then... I don't think I could do anything at all... I remember those nights without rest... sitting in the living room, crying & coughing & asking "Why Lord... why... where are you...? Where are you..... :'''''( WHERE ARE YOU???? :''''("
But You were right there... right there with me... but I couldn't see you... I couldn't feel you... I remember hearing you but I couldn't tell that it was you... I thought that was my voice... but it was Yours. I remember you told me to calm down.... don't cry anymore... calm down & be quiet... hush... but I was so upset... upset with you, upset with why prayers, anointing oil... nothing work....! Upset why this disease is winning... Why why why.... I felt so disturbed and upset...
I remember one of those wee mornings, in my cries... You told me again... calm down... calm down & you'll be fine... hush... quiet... don't cry... and I did... I stopped coughing for awhile... but my disturbed troubled heart didn't let that happen for long... and I cough & cried again.
Now I know.
Yesterday I learned.
In fact this week I discovered so so many things I am grateful Lord....
*Thank you*
Talking wif Susi reminded me... I was crying like Mary... and that dipped my faith like Martha... blocking anyone from moving the rock & rising dead Lazarus... making the reality bigger than Jesus... preventing reality from miracle... ... cos my heart was disturbed.
"Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me."
John 14:1
"Be still, and know that I am God!"
Ps 46:10
In the recent stillness teaching, I learn that God speaks when I'm still... Stillness brings me closer to God... In quietness & trust in my strength... Stillness brings me closer into the holy of holies...brings me to God's presence... and fellowship...
Jesus dwells in my heart...
"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, 15 the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth.
16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.
17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.
18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.
19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God."
Eph 3:14-19
How beautiful is that! He is in my heart and I feel like I am only beginning to know & understand Him these recent times... I am still learning to hear Him and I feel that... in my experience... I can hear Him clearly when I'm still before Him...listening intently... pressing into His presence... I sure didn't succeed the first time cos I couldn't quite stand the silence...lol~~~ so I talked & talked & talked.... But as I learn more & more of His word... The Word is Christ... and "May the Word/Christ dwells richly in me..." I began to see...
Troubled hearts makes mountains out of mole hills...raise not the dead but fearful distrust hearts which will bear confusion & frustration... I was in the land of confusion & frustration so many times...
"Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me."
John 14:1
Help me Lord to remember this always...
Lol~~~ I dunno how to explain but this week it's like I began to see spiritual food everywhere! Food! Food! Food! Main dish, side dish, desserts, snacks, supper, brunch... lol~~~ it's so nice :) Verses kept popping up reminding me & teaching me whenever I feel anxious, scare, fearful, condemnation... *Pops* Spiritual food pack~~ like some game energizer~~ Lol~~~ and I was ok...
Back to the coughing story... if I'm not still, I will miss out what God wants to do in my life... in this season, in this situation, in all circumstance. I will miss out cos I dun understand.... all I did was cry & cry & I drowned out my Savior's voice... I drowned out His comfort & whispers to me... distrust, discouragements, dis-everything builds... I'll begin to drown...
No I want to listen... learn & train myself to listen... and know His voice... so I don't miss out...
"9 So there is a special rest still waiting for the people of God. 10 For all who have entered into God’s rest have rested from their labors, just as God did after creating the world. 11 So let us do our best to enter that rest. But if we disobey God, as the people of Israel did, we will fall. 12 For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires."
Heb 4:9-12
I feel that when I don't enter into His rest & be still... I start to be anxious... "Do not be anxious about anything but in everything...prayers & petition, thanksgiving & the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard hearts & minds in Christ Jesus..."
When I start to be anxious, I can't hear God...I can't hear God I miss out what He has for me... I miss out, I'll start wondering what is wrong with everything including me and I'll start condemning myself....faith dips... trust falls and the cycle goes... I feel stuck...and I stay stuck...
My thoughts and what is in my heart are so impt... Phil 4:8
My thoughts will either set me to condemn myself, focus on myself, focus on the reality of my cough... why am I still coughing...why am I not healed... kept on looking at the facts... and kept on looking at everything but Jesus... I'll set myself up to fail...
Gosh I see so many of happenings in my life relating to this...
Be still... learn I must to be still...
v6-8
"Now the mind of the flesh [which is sense and reason without the Holy Spirit] is death [death that comprises all the miseries arising from sin, both here and hereafter]. But the mind of the [Holy] Spirit is life and [soul] peace [both now and forever].[That is] because the mind of the flesh [with its carnal thoughts and purposes] is hostile to God, for it does not submit itself to God's Law; indeed it cannot.
So then those who are living the life of the flesh [catering to the appetites and impulses of their carnal nature] cannot please or satisfy God, or be acceptable to Him.
v10
But if Christ lives in you, [then although] your [natural] body is dead by reason of sin and guilt, the spirit is alive because of [the] righteousness [that He imputes to you]."
Rom8:6-8, 10 (AMP)
And I got it... I got it... only now... after learning the truths... I got it and learned why I wasn't healed... I believe God Could very well heal me right there and then... (like Jesus raise Lazarus despite Martha's distrust, Mary's sorrowful heart & cries) but if God did heal me, then He would be teaching me it's ok to have & approving my disquieted, disturbed & troubled heart... that every time I am in trouble, I should be disturb then I will be ok...
No, I believe He wants to teach me how to stand in faith. Stand in trust. Stand still and wait. Wait for God to put that creature underneath my feet.
Stillness brings treasures...
Gosh there're just so many verses/dishes popping up in front of me & helping me learn that I feel like~~ just feeling happy & trying my best to catch up with the Holy Spirit... I need to write them all down so I don't forget...! I have to keep listening & writing & learning & keep listening & reminding & reminding my thoughts to think about SUCH THINGS(truths) that are so beautiful... so true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and worthy of praise~~
And when I begin to know HIM, then I'll begin to know this...
16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. 17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. 20 Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. 21 Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.
Eph 3:16-20
Lord...*thank you*
*HUGS*
29Aug
& 8:37 PM
