It's been long... I dunno how next year is gonna be Lord. I guess it's still back to the start. You.
It all goes back to you. Leads back to you. My Lord.
Help me Lord....I still have a lot to overcome. I am tired. Tired of my weaknesses. Tired of my sins. It's a heavy baggage. I give them to you and I long to lodge with you forever & ever. I know I'd never shake you off (may it never happen)... the only thing is... I very often had to step away and leave the room vacant...
I wish I could stay in there and dance with you... just me & you. Without anyone else. Just us. I'm tired of people. And then I'll hear a time and over how fellowship is important. I get that. Now it's that 3am quiet time by the mountain with you that I need. I feel so drain just the thought of people... strangers whom I see everyday...wondering... what stories they carry if I could know... how beautiful it would be to leave your scars with them.
New friends takes a new ride on your back and finds the journey rough. That's the best way I can bring you and this is as far as I've learned to go. Getting short gets everyone nowhere. Go ahead, jump off the wagon. I care but there is only one Lord. Mark 11:29
Old friends like siblings... it's close to the heart when anything happens. Brings joy & the latter...
I pray Lord for eagles to surround me. I want to learn from them. I need to learn from them. I pray for more courage in my heart to attain the impossible with you. I feel like I have sat back for way too long. The courage to create. The courage to just go for it. The courage to venture. The courage to not look at the what if but to find out the what ifs and make them into what not; history.
I'm tired of getting uninspired. Or inspired but dealing with the lack of. Help me Lord. I need help. I need directions. Should I just go for it until you say stop? Will I be able to stop... I don't want another T.R E.R to happen.
And then there is the marriage thing. The partner thing. I have conflicts. Many. I believe I am not ready for the wrong reasons. Some right ones but there are wrong ones too. I know you don't want me to stay growth-less in this area. I believe when it's the right time, I'll get to learn that part of life. Or perhaps it's better not to. I don't know. Paul said it's better to be single. I agree. I don't know how I'm not gonna get sick & tired of that person after 3 years... maybe I've been with too many wrong guys that bored me to death and who are not meant for me. I hate that feeling of... "...am I seriously gonna spend my life with you." And then that sick feeling in the stomach.
Or that "What if..." Or that finding more guys who are just not supportive of what I do. I don't want to dance my life with a chicken when I can soar with an eagle. If the guy can't be on the same page with me, go be in another story. Fiction don't mix with non-fiction. I don't ever want to be a myth when a legend dwells within me.
And I see so many marriages around that just seem so very sad. To me. I don't ever want to have my mind so occupied with this person that I can't do any other things. Lord, help me to switch my pleasing mode to "God only."
Can I start to see good examples? I'm tired of seeing men getting so short with their wives on little things. Wives becoming insecure because.
I don't know how to deal with that. So I guess for now, I'd rather deal with my uncharged emotional self, than the possible "crazy" person that I might become when options happen. I want to be able to function. Esp when time runs towards the relationship that marks 3rd year and beyond.
At least with you, I know stability, I know perfection, I feel loved and I'm collecting your faithful marks upon my heart. I have no fear that you will ever leave me... you are always working in my life for my good. I just need to trust & know you. Your voice. My heart. Your heart. You are God. My love and my God. The one I get to love & worship at the same time. My rock. I need you more Lord. More.
Courage. Love. Live.
Jesus. Show me Lord. You... Teach me... guide me... dance with me.
I don't know how to trust the care of my life & heart to an imperfect person when I know my perfect God does a good job. The only thing that moves me is the physical reality of a person, the visual & possibly a deceiving front for the first 2 years... physical reality steals one's heart more sometimes...when compare to the spiritual & unseen that lasts forever. It is getting better though.
May I never feel another guy's goodness connection unless he is meant for me. I don't think I can take that ride anymore. It is torturing.
Thank you Lord. For everything. Guide me to your will for the next chapter.
14th Feb
Me.
~I am well kept by Him in the secret place...
~Everyday amongst or beyond, I look up...smiles...He is there.
~He carries me... even before I came to be, He carried me...played with me...spoke to me and cuddled me... whispered sacred treasures into my heart...
~"I love you and I know how you'll be...I see you and I'll keep the heart of my eyes with you. I love you and I'll be with you..." "Your name is."
~I don't shine among a crowd of strangers...but have ears and heart for the thoughts of one
~I like to shine in the world for you...but I want to hide away from it as well...
~The sum of me is lesser than the equation of this world.... But it's more than the life of Your heart...
~You marvel me Lord...your deep love marvels me.
~I love you God, Lord Jesus & Holy Spirit.
~I love you.
I appreciate this love
This world is my playground with you
Of dreams of hope and a journey
Arising and moving
To be in love with you day after day
This layout was done by nette and the Codes from kriss. Finally, I would like to introduce you to a highly talented photographer, Michal Zaleski: pbase.
