Beautiful & Captivating

2011-06-28T16:48:00.005+08:00

Hi Lord,

How ...I dunno... sigh. Lol. What a mixed feeling. Now plugged into music...I guess should be better. I need solace and this place is not... I'm grateful... I hope...it's like I have to...instead of really... why do I have to force myself & push it... follow or not follow how I feel? I don't get it.

Holy Spirit, what do you say? Or should I just be quiet. You want me to be real definitely... who wants a child who grows up pretending...and pretending... I've been trying hard... or so I was told... I guess I am... in ways of no peace... like pressing in as they say... so did I get it wrong...? Rest. I guess I still haven't get rest...how to rest. Help me Lord...

Help me to experience more & more of your love...

Like you promise

Stir the stagnant waters of my soul
Merge me in Your river which brings life
I don't have all the right words to say
That would provoke you to want me
Anymore than you already do...

Won't you come, come like you promise...
Pour out your spirit, pour out your spirit...

You love like a Father,
You love like a Brother,
You love like a Lion,
Fierce like no other...
You violently chase me,
Down to embrace me,
Engulf me in who you are...

Overcome the darkness of my night
Jesus be the strength of my life
Reaching past my hiding
Reach me on my running
O Lord,
Come flood my soul with you love...

Won't you open up the heavens over your people...
Don't hold back, pour it out, pour it out...

Lord, let me rest in the works...your works that I do not see. I don't know how to be...
Come as I am...
Come as you are...
I accept you when you're whining, when you're angry, when you're complaining, when you're tired, when you can't think right, when you are wrong, when you are right, when you have nothing, when you have everything, when you think you are poor, when you think you are righteous, when you think you are filthy, when you are rich, when you have needs, when you need nothing... I embrace, everyday, everything, you in every way, nevertheless, never-the-less but always more, more, more to give am I. More and abundance I am. That is why I am, the Great I Am. I have more than you can imagine...more than your little mind can conceive... it's more than what one can stomach. More, more, more I AM.

You have so much more to give me... and I have not understand nor conceive it yet... You used to be really foreign to me Lord...I mean... the Real you whom I have never come to know before... I saw you as the task master, Mr Perfect who is trying to beat me into perfection...like Israelites under the Egyptian rule... I saw you as the fierce Father, the person who only love me when I am good & perfect... how tiring that was. If had to be perfect all the time to win my salvation, then Jesus...I guess we won't need your death at all.... it has been in vain. Or...not needed. Cos we still need to work for your love & approval. That was what I used to think... boy was I wrong.

And till now, I'm still trying to know you. Understand who you are...who you really really are. For so long I have looked at the wrong picture and called him my father... I'm sorry Papa God. I pray you'll help me see your goodness, love, grace, your glory & all that you are and what they all mean in my heart... cos I don't get it...yet. More of who you are Papa God. More love...more love...more and more and more and more of your perfect love... so everything will come easy... in rest. In great rest...

Help me Lord to get it and get there... now this life here...in this foreign land, it's foreign...strange...repetitive...and still wondering when am I moving on to the next stage in life. I wish I could dance. In contemporary movement that works...for me.

I dunno what else to say cos you know... I'm repeating myself... house, river, travel, gospel, Holy Spirit, You, Him, study, time, dance, create, give, present the works... over & over.

By your grace Oh Lord... by your grace.

2011-05-20T12:01:00.005+08:00

Hi Lord,

Today I feel pretty... I dunno how to describe it. It's a lot of mixed feelings. It is mixed in a lot of ways and complex in a lot of ways.

I don't like how my heart & mind can wonder even right now to the corner of my eye to someone who is no one. Why is this happening. It is frustrating. Lord... I need you and need you...in a secluded place. I wish I am zapped to some jungle or village or island or mountain where it's just me and you and nobody else...

I mean seriously...how many times must I do this.... this test... this kinda torture... Have I heard wrongly.... that I need to believe... trust... to trust again... to believe in love again... esp when it is human love... Lord.. I don't even have faith in the love of my parents... who bore me... how can I have faith in a total stranger whom I have not met and even if after meeting, it is yrs of relationship building before I can let that person in...

And when you do... certain things just sets in... setting in like a statue... it's like the both of us has started building a monument... that is slowly setting into dry clay... can we stay wet & moldable all the time? Can we? Is that even possible... won't that feeling of boredom set in? Complacency... familiarity... boredom...scares me. Makes me want to look around. What will that become of me? Am I cut out to be in a relationship...??? I mean really! Seriously!

Just when I am at peace with being with myself for the possible rest of my life... that idea setting in.. all well and good... this comes.... this prophecy comes... and from a good couple. Lord you will have to be the strength of me heart becos I have none for this subject.

I have met way too many disappointments and I am not keen at all to venture into that valley of sadness & cries anymore than a baby wanting to be hungry. It kills. I don't want my soul to be sorrowful. I want to be free and creative.

I don't want to despise the prophecy... sigh. I guess...it's a help cry. Help me. Cos at this moment, this a mountain. It's like I'm happy at the possibility but at the same time, I don't want to loose myself again to some guy and esp not a marriage. I don't see and don't know how it is done... two coming together working together as one. I guess right at this moment, all I see is strangeness... seeing the unknown, building friendship with a stranger... that I might possibly be attracted to. Human love seems to make a person foolish and blind...

Can I have you Lord and be secure. I believe I can. Human... is human. Lord... help me... faith. I know with you all things are possible... I pray I'll believe again and see it... if it is your good plan & it's necessary... only good plan... help me to believe if that is so. Give me faith. Love. In your courts. Let me set myself straight in your courts first... I need that always... but first...let that be done... that intimacy & closeness...

Can I live by myself.... yes... Can I live with just creating... yes.... what if being happy & alone is the answer. I will be in fellowship but can I not have a relationship... kids... cooking... this kind of promotion...? Feels like torture right now. It's a place that I'm not ready to go. I haven't even tasted the good life of being alone, listening...being quiet...creating with the Holy Spirit.... getting the hang of being at rest with my heart... and not wondering how everything is done...

I am still learning.... they say I'm at the right place right now... if I'm not going anywhere... that's where you want me to be. Does all events propellers from you? None from the effects of what we do?? What abt the faithfulness in our individual giftings? What about that part? You or me?

Do I start a company...? Help me to listen Lord... and listen right.

Conversations

I don't like that I'm keeping silence... it's a friend I don't like to have. What do I say Holy Spirit...? What do I say when my friends talk about religion... I am dumbfounded... I get so nervous and tense up... worse than Moses right... at least Moses... ok you put words into his mouth so... it's just really annoying when I want to say something but I don't know what to say... my mind goes blank.

"It doesn't matter on the right and wrong. Love is what matters cos in the end, love conquers all Wei Ling."

So... it's alright to be silent? But why do I feel so arggghhh?? Like I want to scream at the injustice or whatever that they say is wrong wrong wrong?? "Is that debate necessary? Will it push them to or away from God??" Why do I feel like I'm agreeing with them when I don't say anything... I feel like so... puppy - YUCK! It's like I want to make comment so... I feel like I have a backbone and contributed and sigh... I know my friend has been preached/pushed at too much about you. They resent the ppl who did that. I don't know what to say to help... to bring them closer to you...

Am I too much of a nice person... :( Sorry Lord if I am. Please help me...

I don't want to be in that category. How much say can I have without further ruining what other Christians have already done? Or is it whatever that I say will just garner bad....? Mixture kills. Mixture is still belief that is distorted. How do I come in to make sense... will they listen? Should I give them a chance and test water? Test water... that's what Jeff always do... if they don't want, then leave it... else no point.

Will I have the courage to step in and speak? Why does my brains freeze when I want to make a point... I'm like...what's the point that I want to make... what are they talking about again? All I get is - oh no it's not good... I... *overloaded in argh I need to say something and stop it...but BLANK* And at the same time - I don't want to ruin or do worse to what the other forceful Christians have done... :( Sigh. So I'm left with stuck. What do I say? I saying something...is tt necessary? And my heart goes YES! Why? Cos someone gotta tell them the truth!

Holy Spirit, could you help me on this? To say the truth in a wise loving manner... I do not want to fight. But once I get into the the conversation, I feel like I am in that defensive mode.... or I will want to give in so I don't create stir. *ANOTHER YUCK* I feel like I'm protecting myself or something but it feels bad... Holy Spirit, help... that's all I can say. This part of the tree branch... still really short and unwell...

I know it's gonna be uncomfortable... argh. Help me please... Conversing in a gentle, loving way... I am no Paul... and I hate debates. Seriously. I hate it. Make me feel like I'm armoring with a chopper and fighting... makes me freeze. Peace - I need peace. In my heart & mind. REST. I need to rest. Perhaps then I will know.

Lord, help this perfect imperfect candidate to be your mouth piece when need to. It isn't my strongest suit and I would hate to be in that mode all the time... I hope I won't have to all the time... Can I please start doing what I love instead of what I cannot stand.... i.e teaching...

The three words - business, teaching, relationship.... I am gonna test them... Let me find the truth Lord. Meanwhile, I keep my heart in peace with you. Cos keeping it with these 3 factors, I am struggling... really struggling.

Help me to listening clearly to where you are going and what you are doing...and if there is anything you would want me to say... speak... - teach me Holy Spirit... and give me the courage to move forward...

Help...

Thank you...

20 May

2011-04-23T02:43:00.002+08:00

I'm getting something! :)

Getting there...getting there!

More God! More!!

He is the High Priest of our confession (Heb 4:14)

Jesus is the Word of God (John 1:1-4)

We overcome by the blood of Jesus and word of testimony (Revelation 12:11)

I was wondering why....and what it means Heb 10:14 "for by one offering he hath perfected to the end those sanctified;"

Why "he hath perfected to the END those SANCTIFIED."

Why not perfected those who believes? Why the emphasis on sanctified?

Rev 22:11

"he who is unrighteous -- let him be unrighteous still, and he who is filthy -- let him be filthy still, and he who is righteous -- let him be declared righteous still, and he who is sanctified -- let him be sanctified still:"

There must be a difference between those who are righteous and those who are sanctified.

John 17:17-19

Sanctify them [purify, consecrate, separate them for Yourself, make them holy] by the Truth; Your Word is Truth.

Just as You sent Me into the world, I also have sent them into the world.

And so for their sake and on their behalf I sanctify (dedicate, consecrate) Myself, that they also may be sanctified (dedicated, consecrated, made holy) in the Truth.

John 8:32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

John 14:6 Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

John 1:1-4

IN THE beginning [before all time] was the Word ([a]Christ), and the Word was with God, and the Word was God [b]Himself.(A)

He was present originally with God.

All things were made and came into existence through Him; and without Him was not even one thing made that has come into being.

In Him was Life, and the Life was the Light of men.

John1:14 And the Word (Christ) became flesh (human, incarnate) and tabernacled (fixed His tent of flesh, lived awhile) among us; and we [actually] saw His glory (His honor, His majesty), such glory as an only begotten son receives from his father, full of grace (favor, loving-kindness) and truth.

1 Timothy 4:5 (even food)

for it is sanctified through the word of God and intercession.

(To be continued)

2011-04-22T01:48:00.009+08:00

Questions

Hi Papa,
Help me to figure out this season..........It's like I have so much to say but yet so little comes out.

I have so much to pray about but I dunno where to start.... I pray your grace be upon me.... all I want is to please my King.

Papa....Papa...Papa...........I can't seem to get it out.... you know my heart....The heart to grow, the heart to rest, the heart to achieve, the heart to wait....The heart to trust, the heart that wants not to be in want.

It's like a whole ball of colorful strings all rolled into one and I feel like You might be pulling those strings....cross by cross.... knit by knit.... into a robe fit for me.

So I stand in a corner waiting... in curious anticipation....hearing much silence...

I want to feel Your heart beat... I want to hold You close... I want to please my Papa... but not to earn anything... Papa... please help me to get closer...teach me how to go Home... I want to gaze Your perfections with David and kiss Papa's feet :)

Papa, I see my friends & neighbors blessed, the ones who are not quite in the family... please help me to handle... please help me to hold on... I feel impossible sets in, let them break like glass.

Let me turn out like Joseph's call or Ruth's divine lot, help me see light in the end.... hold me out of this mud crawl...

Help Papa...Help...

2011-04-04T02:08:00.002+08:00

Walking in Rest

The season of rest is still here... Papa God, I'm really happy that it is not over yet cos I need to learn to sit at your feet. And at the same time, I have to learn to let go of my need to control... my need to feel secure by stuff... lol...

The stuff will never be able to secure me. It is you and always you. Everything else I have to hold with a really loose hand and not let it close to my heart.

Recently I learn that again with a project... I almost let it get to me... I had to force myself to trust & rest in you... that if it didn't come back to me, then You will feed me in other ways... a call to rest...putting trust into a boiling pot... will it come out melted or more shiny than before...?

Thank you Holy Spirit for teaching me to rest... to trust and rest... It was so hard to not do anything and just let go... many times I just wanted to call the person and scream my head off...or somewhere close to that... all the WHY did you...how COULD you.... lol... all kinds of dramas playing in my head... and it was all the enemy trying to ruin my rest!!!

Thank you Holy Spirit...and Papa God for teaching me about rest through so many means... Rest is a weapon. I rest, You fight for me... I concur. I shall defeat my unrest, my stirring heart... the thoughts that every now and then entered the dens of lions movie and entertained the worse. I submit them all to you Jesus! You are there always...closing the mouths of these supposedly roaring creatures... hehehe how you silent them :) *Thank You*

I love you Jesus... Without you, I can never.
Thank you for your saving mercy and sacrifice... grace upon grace on my life.
*Thank you*

Holy Spirit please continue to teach me how to rest... how to fight the unrest and the schemes of these pretenders. They are not life to my body nor health to my soul... You are Jesus~~ You are. I submit my all to you...

Holy Spirit... I pray you guard my heart. Guard my heart on doors that are not meant to be. Towards the ones who's hearts falls upon their sleeves. I want only that one who is meant when he ask for me. After Your works, in wait, in smiles I will be :)
Kisses & Hugs for Your surprising gift.

*Thank you Papa*
*I love you*

2011-01-24T00:39:00.003+08:00

The day I wept

"This too shall pass...Gemia , My mother told me long ago , God saves every tear we cry in a special bottle , maybe so that you will water something that needs to grow later on ... a womans tears are never wasted - I usually use a towel hankies wont do - iam familiar with your pain says the lord, and i love you , remember my tenderness for you, stay sweet and wait on me i need you."

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I don't know what to say and how to react. I hate that it happened. I hate it. I don't know why it happened. I have no answers. I can only wait...

It hurt me. I feel horrible. I felt like the world crumbled and didn't make sense anymore. Why did that happened? I was just looking at you and you knew... I just don't know why... I believe in Ps 91... I prayed the Lord's prayer. So... this, did not make sense to me. Please give me the wisdom to understand.

And something else - few days back, something changed, someone changed and it didn't felt right. Today I saw how things changed back. I guess whatever was said, didn't mean anything. Whatever it is, just don't hurt anyone as you go about life. I wanted to tell this person - Don't you know, this good brother of mine is already married? Things always happen for a reason. Short to the end? Only you know Lord.

Back to the incident... only you know Lord...
As overwhelming as it felt, I can't rely on this horrible feeling... I don't want to be finished off by feelings. Reality is but an outcome of the battle in the spiritual realm. The side you are on, will create your reality. I am going to be on Jesus' side. All good things comes from the Lord. This battle is not over. Though the war has been won. These are just clear ups!!! And WE WILL CLEAR EARTH UP TO FILL UP HEAVEN!!!

2 Cor 2:14
"and to God [are] thanks, who at all times is leading us in triumph in the Christ, and the fragrance of His knowledge He is manifesting through us in every place"

This is MY REALITY.
I HAVE VICTORY AT ALL TIMES NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS TO ME!!!!!!!

I will run to you. Not to another person or whoever. Only YOU saves. Nobody else. Though I may yearn for someone close... whom I can see physically... but many times, sad to say, they can be very disappointing. I want to believe that too will CHANGE!

I praise God for fellowship. For prayers. For people who do care, really care and not just beautiful empty words. I praise God for people who prayed and spoke to me though GH. That is such a blessing... Thank you Lord for fellowships... it brings so much reality of you to me. Thank you Lord for sister Patti... bless her Lord... thank you for speaking through her...

And tonight as I lay down my head, I will still praise you. I love you.
I'm waiting to see you and be with you.
I love you Jesus.
Help me...
I give you all my hurts, my pain, my heartaches, conflicts, stress, burdens, bad thoughts, bad feelings... everything that weighs me down. I give them all to you Jesus.
Help me.

24 Jan

2011-01-12T23:57:00.015+08:00

These few days have been a tiring one...

Hello 2011... I started you without any fireworks this year... it was strange... but all "thanks" to my fever, flu and etc... I feel like it's somehow still lingering around. I guess it's the weather... still cold and rainy. And migraine is like this ugly mess in my room that keeps popping up though I have cleaned it like a thousand times.

I spent 3 days spring cleaning my room. 3 days. I felt like a woman on a mission to straighten out another woman's life. Like after all that cleaning, I would feel different... that I would feel free... that I would feel wow... It's a big change... I like it... but... I can't help but still see and feel the mess.

I just stopped typing to clear some of my mess in the room....ok I do feel better when the clutter is out of the way. It's just reminders of unfinished business... the forever unfinished work or issues or stuff that I have to do do & do. I hate that. It's uninspiring & it sucks the life out of people. When was the last time I feel... sat down, be still & relate with the nature breathing around me.

I feel really blessed to have someone watching over me. Someone who can literally give me with the moon... placing it right outside my window. You always know how to make me smile. Thank you Jesus :)

Today I have little energy and some stuff in my heart & mind which I don't know how to figure it out Lord... I pray you'll show me...

I made a friend out of an old acquaintance... a little bit. It felt really uncomfortable & strange. Sigh. And I hate that I am feeling that way. This is so tricky & challenging. I pray you'll teach me Lord. I have longed to learn on this for a long time. It's like a part of me wants to be a good friend and another part of me is screaming. I don't know why. I already have a good friend who is in the same situation and she is precious. And I know you love her. You are love. You love people. Fullstop. It doesn't matter in any way because the hearts are yours to turn. And I am called to love.

Is that my answer?

Everyone knows what is right and wrong. Everyone. But it's the love & grace that is lacking... that will make one carry a thousand load like it's one. Without shame. Everyone (myself included) needs to know that identity in Christ enough...and repeatedly... to not be affected by what blah people say about me. I don't know what is it about people that they feel that the whole world should just get married. Otherwise you're either gay, bi, undecided or weird. In a bad way. And many times, somehow, it will all sum up to cats and old age.
I love cats.

Happiness & joy is mine to define. The shape that He made me to carry in this lifetime. Perhaps I'm just not suited. Perhaps. Perhaps. Right now at this moment, I just want to enjoy... waiting at the wind that you will send from your storehouses... getting hit by your awesomeness & inspirations... and definitely improving on our relationship. Prayers...

:( I hate it when I have hurdles and stuff that is not done yet. I have so many things to do... people whom I haven't talk to a long time... emails yet to be replied... and work. I hate to just rush through all these like it doesn't mean anything. Lord help me... & also heal me Lord. My face. I am waiting and anticipating. And I pray this year will be a good year of writing & expressing~~

All in all...
For now, I can only be satisfied by your presence.
Thank you for everything thus far Lord...
You're amazing.
Very amazing.

13 Jan

2010-12-10T16:20:00.006+08:00

Back from a place of beauty.

Lord I pray you bless those people there... that they will experience your grace, your love, your peace and may this nation be in communion with you and may they all come to your throne praising and worshiping you.

Papa... you're awesome. The works of your hands is just a masterpiece...
Thank you for letting me see your great works. The possibility in the impossible.
Only you. Can.

Praise you Papa~~

10 Dec

2010-11-15T01:43:00.018+08:00

You.

It's been long...
I dunno how next year is gonna be Lord. I guess it's still back to the start. You.

It all goes back to you. Leads back to you. My Lord.

Help me Lord....I still have a lot to overcome. I am tired. Tired of my weaknesses. Tired of my sins. It's a heavy baggage. I give them to you and I long to lodge with you forever & ever. I know I'd never shake you off (may it never happen)... the only thing is... I very often had to step away and leave the room vacant...

I wish I could stay in there and dance with you... just me & you. Without anyone else. Just us. I'm tired of people. And then I'll hear a time and over how fellowship is important. I get that. Now it's that 3am quiet time by the mountain with you that I need. I feel so drain just the thought of people... strangers whom I see everyday...wondering... what stories they carry if I could know... how beautiful it would be to leave your scars with them.

New friends takes a new ride on your back and finds the journey rough. That's the best way I can bring you and this is as far as I've learned to go. Getting short gets everyone nowhere. Go ahead, jump off the wagon. I care but there is only one Lord.
Mark 11:29

Old friends like siblings... it's close to the heart when anything happens. Brings joy & the latter...

I pray Lord for eagles to surround me. I want to learn from them. I need to learn from them. I pray for more courage in my heart to attain the impossible with you. I feel like I have sat back for way too long. The courage to create. The courage to just go for it. The courage to venture. The courage to not look at the what if but to find out the what ifs and make them into what not; history.

I'm tired of getting uninspired. Or inspired but dealing with the lack of. Help me Lord. I need help. I need directions. Should I just go for it until you say stop? Will I be able to stop... I don't want another T.R E.R to happen.

And then there is the marriage thing. The partner thing. I have conflicts. Many. I believe I am not ready for the wrong reasons. Some right ones but there are wrong ones too. I know you don't want me to stay growth-less in this area. I believe when it's the right time, I'll get to learn that part of life. Or perhaps it's better not to. I don't know. Paul said it's better to be single. I agree. I don't know how I'm not gonna get sick & tired of that person after 3 years... maybe I've been with too many wrong guys that bored me to death and who are not meant for me. I hate that feeling of... "...am I seriously gonna spend my life with you." And then that sick feeling in the stomach.

Or that "What if..." Or that finding more guys who are just not supportive of what I do. I don't want to dance my life with a chicken when I can soar with an eagle. If the guy can't be on the same page with me, go be in another story. Fiction don't mix with non-fiction. I don't ever want to be a myth when a legend dwells within me.

And I see so many marriages around that just seem so very sad. To me. I don't ever want to have my mind so occupied with this person that I can't do any other things. Lord, help me to switch my pleasing mode to "God only."

Can I start to see good examples? I'm tired of seeing men getting so short with their wives on little things. Wives becoming insecure because.

I don't know how to deal with that.
So I guess for now, I'd rather deal with my uncharged emotional self, than the possible "crazy" person that I might become when options happen. I want to be able to function. Esp when time runs towards the relationship that marks 3rd year and beyond.

At least with you, I know stability, I know perfection, I feel loved and I'm collecting your faithful marks upon my heart. I have no fear that you will ever leave me... you are always working in my life for my good. I just need to trust & know you. Your voice. My heart. Your heart. You are God. My love and my God. The one I get to love & worship at the same time. My rock. I need you more Lord. More.

Courage.
Love.
Live.

Jesus.
Show me Lord.
You...
Teach me... guide me... dance with me.

I don't know how to trust the care of my life & heart to an imperfect person when I know my perfect God does a good job. The only thing that moves me is the physical reality of a person, the visual & possibly a deceiving front for the first 2 years... physical reality steals one's heart more sometimes...when compare to the spiritual & unseen that lasts forever. It is getting better though.

May I never feel another guy's goodness connection unless he is meant for me. I don't think I can take that ride anymore. It is torturing.

Thank you Lord.
For everything.
Guide me to your will for the next chapter.

15 Nov

2010-09-06T21:33:00.005+08:00

Decided on College Jesus - School of Life

Lord, I'm tired of staying in Singapore really... and I feel tired of hoping, knowing, wishing, waiting... mostly waiting... and not knowing how I'm gonna get there... I don't see it yet physically... but somehow it will happen... it's trying my patience... really trying... I'm tired of facing people's physical treasure... guess I'm like Sarah... seeing other ppl's children growing up... and their children's children...and... I'm still waiting... I see your works and how you can work... and how great you are... Lord...help me to draw strength & stand firm. These few days, I've been tripping... feeling like I just can't breathe... feeling frustrated & angry...why I'm going thru this dark hole again... this waiting again...

I feel so tired looking at your evidence and hands happening in my brothers & sisters... I'm grateful you're blessing them... I'm just wondering... when will it be my turn to sit on your lap and wish away... fly away... and be smiling at those won battles with you... those raw miracles...

I guess I don't want to feel unworthy all the time when they come... like I have to just push it through... without training... it's scary... to just do it... I do want to enjoy... which makes me go back to... when Lord... when can you let me go overseas to train... I don't want to be on stage feeling unequipped... like I don't belong... don't know... I hate that feeling... I feel like I want to hide...

So I guess during this time of waiting, I will "self-train"...from you... everything that comes, will be your project for me to score as high as possible.

No matter in arts, in spiritual encounters or .... whatever it is... I'll try my best to pass and pass it well... otherwise I'm gonna feel stuck... I hate feeling stuck.... I hate stuck. I hate the dessert... I hate that place.... same old place that no matter where you turn or go... it's still sandy...dry...

I get it now... I'm not in a real school but... I'm in your school...

Lord...I want to apply for school next year.....sigh. I know I keep saying this every year but where should I go Lord? Where do you want me to go? I would love NYC... Chicago is way too cold... but wherever it is... you'll have to be there... and for now, I'll have to figure out one thing... which area (blueprint) should I be using... what design am I? Writing? Acting? Directing? ...

I need to figure this out... so I'm gonna use time to shape my acting.
Guide me teacher...
Guide me...

I pray your patience will be upon me... I'm not there yet...

6 Sept

2010-08-28T20:37:00.013+08:00

Beautiful learnings...

I know you have so much to teach me about... *glad*
I've learned so much this year... it's all coming around... coming around to teach me - the ones that I have not understood since beginning of the year and like before, you showed me why... not immediately... but when I sat down at your feet to learn.

If I haven't rest, I would never know why.... why certain things happened and didn't happen...
*Thank you Lord for preserving me... for helping me to carry on when it was difficult.

I couldn't understand why Dec '09 - Jan I was coughing so badly... I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and my parents weren't around so I was pretty much home alone. Under normal circumstances, I would LOVE that. But this cough made me so weak that I wished someone was around to comfort me.

I remember wailing...yes wailing and crying my eyes & heart out. I've seen the doc and finished the meds, I've even finished my mum's coughing syrup... think I drank a total of 3-4 bottles of coughing syrup...usually less than 1 is more than suffice. I prayed and prayed, listened to sermons, had faith and even applied the anointing oil...

I couldn't sleep...every time I start to go into sleep mode, I started coughing to the point of vomiting and crying...and some nights I started to ran out of breathe & wheeze. I felt like Lord... where are you? Don't you care that I'm hurting this much? My muscles were painful from the cough but they don't compare to the abandon feeling I felt in my heart. I really felt like I was alone... I felt angry the the devil was winning with this stupid disease, I felt angry that Lord, why didn't you do anything after my cries & prayers day after day...

1 month of disturbed sleep... I'm glad You didn't assign me any jobs then... I don't think I could do anything at all... I remember those nights without rest... sitting in the living room, crying & coughing & asking "Why Lord... why... where are you...? Where are you..... :'''''( WHERE ARE YOU???? :''''("

But You were right there... right there with me... but I couldn't see you... I couldn't feel you... I remember hearing you but I couldn't tell that it was you... I thought that was my voice... but it was Yours. I remember you told me to calm down.... don't cry anymore... calm down & be quiet... hush... but I was so upset... upset with you, upset with why prayers, anointing oil... nothing work....! Upset why this disease is winning... Why why why.... I felt so disturbed and upset...

I remember one of those wee mornings, in my cries... You told me again... calm down... calm down & you'll be fine... hush... quiet... don't cry... and I did... I stopped coughing for awhile... but my disturbed troubled heart didn't let that happen for long... and I cough & cried again.

Now I know.
Yesterday I learned.
In fact this week I discovered so so many things I am grateful Lord....
*Thank you*

Talking wif Susi reminded me... I was crying like Mary... and that dipped my faith like Martha... blocking anyone from moving the rock & rising dead Lazarus... making the reality bigger than Jesus... preventing reality from miracle... ... cos my heart was disturbed.

"Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me."
John 14:1

"Be still, and know that I am God!"
Ps 46:10

In the recent stillness teaching, I learn that God speaks when I'm still... Stillness brings me closer to God... In quietness & trust in my strength... Stillness brings me closer into the holy of holies...brings me to God's presence... and fellowship...

Jesus dwells in my heart...

"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, ¹⁵ the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth.
¹⁶ I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.

¹⁷ Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. ¹⁸ And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. ¹⁹ May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God."
Eph 3:14-19

How beautiful is that! He is in my heart and I feel like I am only beginning to know & understand Him these recent times... I am still learning to hear Him and I feel that... in my experience... I can hear Him clearly when I'm still before Him...listening intently... pressing into His presence... I sure didn't succeed the first time cos I couldn't quite stand the silence...lol~~~ so I talked & talked & talked.... But as I learn more & more of His word... The Word is Christ... and "May the Word/Christ dwells richly in me..." I began to see...

Troubled hearts makes mountains out of mole hills...raise not the dead but fearful distrust hearts which will bear confusion & frustration... I was in the land of confusion & frustration so many times...

"Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me."
John 14:1
Help me Lord to remember this always...

Lol~~~ I dunno how to explain but this week it's like I began to see spiritual food everywhere! Food! Food! Food! Main dish, side dish, desserts, snacks, supper, brunch... lol~~~ it's so nice :) Verses kept popping up reminding me & teaching me whenever I feel anxious, scare, fearful, condemnation... *Pops* Spiritual food pack~~ like some game energizer~~ Lol~~~ and I was ok...

Back to the coughing story... if I'm not still, I will miss out what God wants to do in my life... in this season, in this situation, in all circumstance. I will miss out cos I dun understand.... all I did was cry & cry & I drowned out my Savior's voice... I drowned out His comfort & whispers to me... distrust, discouragements, dis-everything builds... I'll begin to drown...

No I want to listen... learn & train myself to listen... and know His voice... so I don't miss out...

^"9 So there is a special rest still waiting for the people of God. ¹⁰ For all who have entered into God’s rest have rested from their labors, just as God did after creating the world. ¹¹ So let us do our best to enter that rest. But if we disobey God, as the people of Israel did, we will fall. ¹² For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires."
Heb 4:9-12

I feel that when I don't enter into His rest & be still... I start to be anxious... "Do not be anxious about anything but in everything...prayers & petition, thanksgiving & the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard hearts & minds in Christ Jesus..."

When I start to be anxious, I can't hear God...I can't hear God I miss out what He has for me... I miss out, I'll start wondering what is wrong with everything including me and I'll start condemning myself....faith dips... trust falls and the cycle goes... I feel stuck...and I stay stuck...

My thoughts and what is in my heart are so impt... Phil 4:8
My thoughts will either set me to condemn myself, focus on myself, focus on the reality of my cough... why am I still coughing...why am I not healed... kept on looking at the facts... and kept on looking at everything but Jesus... I'll set myself up to fail...
Gosh I see so many of happenings in my life relating to this...
Be still... learn I must to be still...

v6-8
"Now the mind of the flesh [which is sense and reason without the Holy Spirit] is death [death that comprises all the miseries arising from sin, both here and hereafter]. But the mind of the [Holy] Spirit is life and [soul] peace [both now and forever].

[That is] because the mind of the flesh [with its carnal thoughts and purposes] is hostile to God, for it does not submit itself to God's Law; indeed it cannot.

So then those who are living the life of the flesh [catering to the appetites and impulses of their carnal nature] cannot please or satisfy God, or be acceptable to Him.

v10
But if Christ lives in you, [then although] your [natural] body is dead by reason of sin and guilt, the spirit is alive because of [the] righteousness [that He imputes to you]."

Rom8:6-8, 10 (AMP)

And I got it... I got it... only now... after learning the truths... I got it and learned why I wasn't healed... I believe God Could very well heal me right there and then... (like Jesus raise Lazarus despite Martha's distrust, Mary's sorrowful heart & cries) but if God did heal me, then He would be teaching me it's ok to have & approving my disquieted, disturbed & troubled heart... that every time I am in trouble, I should be disturb then I will be ok...
No, I believe He wants to teach me how to stand in faith. Stand in trust. Stand still and wait. Wait for God to put that creature underneath my feet.

Stillness brings treasures...
Gosh there're just so many verses/dishes popping up in front of me & helping me learn that I feel like~~ just feeling happy & trying my best to catch up with the Holy Spirit... I need to write them all down so I don't forget...! I have to keep listening & writing & learning & keep listening & reminding & reminding my thoughts to think about SUCH THINGS(truths) that are so beautiful... so true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and worthy of praise~~

And when I begin to know HIM, then I'll begin to know this...

¹⁶ I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. ¹⁷ Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. ¹⁸ And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. ¹⁹ May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

²⁰ Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. ²¹ Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.

Eph 3:16-20

Lord...*thank you*
*HUGS*

29Aug

2010-08-25T21:15:00.012+08:00

Relationship

:) Lord, your whispers... are so precious. I dunno how to put it... Yes lovers whispers~~
I wonder... a lot of times... if possible can I talk to you just in my heart and not say a word? I believe you can hear me... but I know you say there is power in speech...to create and a lot of things...convict...etc... I just have that thought... of just talking to you in my heart and not say a thing.. then nothing will know our conversation :)

Just a thought...

I love the new game that you're playing with me :[p
*Lol* I really really like it~~ makes me laugh~~~ *Lol~~~*
Morrre! :pppp

Lord~~ thanks for placing me here... moving me & my family here from AMK... it's so so beautiful whenever you surprise me with your newest creation :) and beautiful appearance~~ :) I feel like I'm in a palace...donned with big bright stars & your mesmerizing color for the night~~ You're so awesome :)

Lord, thanks for teaching me so far... all those lessons on stillness and your love.
I have so much more to learn... sometimes I feel pretty tired with those stuff I have to overcome... being anxious... trying hard to trust you... why do I have times of great trust and times of trust that tastes like baby food...

Which reminds me of Martha in John 11:20-27 (belief), John 11:39-40 (unbelief).... and it happens so fast... sigh.

I also wonder.. so..Lazarus is the first person to be resurrected in the bible... why 4 days Lord? Cos it takes 4 days for the body to... smell? and be absolutely rotten dead? Well tt's my conclusion... if it's lesser, the harden hearts might say Lazarus is probably not dead to begin with... probably... teach me if I'm wrong...

"Now Jesus, again sighing repeatedly and deeply disquieted, approached the tomb." Lord... is this how you feel when I am not at peace...when I'm crying my heart out...like Mary... I wonder what is it like to dwell in a human heart... I do wonder... when they say receiving you into our hearts...is that where you really dwell? What happen to the verse that says the heart is deceitful above all else... Are our deceitful hearts redeemed at the cross? I believe so... so... what does that mean?

Thanks for bringing teachings into my life through different people... I'm loving them :)

--------------------------------------------------------------------
When He looks at you through the veils of mystery,
With His lights that signs His promises within...
You draw my heart & my soul to a standstill peace
To a wonder and a smile
My love, you bring ease.

May I always be in the palms of your heart & peace.
Teach me Lord.

26Aug

2010-08-22T03:11:00.011+08:00

Casting. Waiting. Falling. Trusting.

Lord, I just rejected 2 job offers... and I need so much faith on... trusting...
I dunno how many times I have to learn this lesson... I need to learn it over & over & over... remembering that you always will catch me over & over & over...

As I look around in the reality, I see a lot of things that makes me feel sad, alone & afraid... I dunno what You're doing for me this season and what You have seen as You go before me... I can't look around and focus on reality.... reality, like the laws - they kill. Reality living needs no faith. And without faith... God will be out of sight/mind... faithless/default living needs no God... :( I feel sad already...

Lord, I pray my journey will always need you... It's already impossible from my angle... I dunno how I'm gonna get there... I dun see it now in the reality... all I can do is to look to you... and trust... Father pls catch me... pls catch my heart & help me to focus on you... I need you... so much...

I don't deserve your grace & mercy... but I got them... I felt stress earlier becos of this... pondering how I am under your grace & mercy... and wondered what happens when they ran out... I wonder why I wonder about that... when your word clearly says your love endures forever...

I have so sooo many questions as I read that I wish I have a place to ask... and discuss... but I don't... Lord I pray you'll show me a place/ppl that I can do bible study with... HS pls help me wif these questions... I have so many and they bug me when I can't find the answers... when I dun understand... they bug me... makes me wanna dive into the water and stay down... too many flies on the surface.

Trust... back to trust...
I began this journey Lord free falling... 3 yrs it has been and you never fail. This yr has been different... it has been a yr that human speaking-ly, less interesting, less exciting than the first two yrs~~ but this yr I learn something different~~ teaching... esp in story telling~~ it's so essential and impt and I love it~~

I pray Lord pls hold me up so I dun fall... your daughter can't hold herself up... sometimes she looks at the floor and forgot to look up... and when she looks up, her near-sightedness sees only blurry image of stuff going on...and couldn't quite make out what...

Father pls help me... I'm only walking wif you and no other. I'm following you and no other. I'm carried by you and no other. I have so many things in my heart that I dun even know where to start... so many ppl I wanna help, things that I wanna say... change that I wanna make... I wish I'm a walking love dispenser like you... and all I can do is look to you...

I believe in everything that you say... everything and I still ask like a silly girl.. Lord I believe... all those things that I know and yet to discover in the bible...

I will continue to ask...
Lord may the world's eyes turn away from worthless symbols & may their souls turn to you and you alone. May all my brothers & sisters discover your love, grace & truth and dispense you like never before.

I believe and look to you Jesus.
My grace, my truth, my love...
my peace...
*hugs*

"I trust in, rely on, and am confident in You, O Lord; I say, You are my God. My times are in Your hands."
Ps 31:14-15

"I trust in God at all times. I pour out my heart before Him; God is a refuge for me."
Ps 62:8

"The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever leans on, trusts in, and puts his confidence in the Lord is safe and set on high."
Prov 29:25

"In repentance and rest is my salvation, in quietness and trust is my strength."
Isa 30:15

22Aug

2010-08-09T00:39:00.011+08:00

Hi God :)

It's been a looong time and I have learned so much this yr... so many lessons and it's already August. Where do I begin??

On the recent events~~ faith. Going back to quietness & trust~~ it's so awesome... It's beyond explanation... I didn't know why at first... and now... it's looking back & smile at those experiences :)

Honestly I was angry at why the production didn't go as perfectly as I would like it to be... and all the expectations that I was expecting... I felt like it was war zones around me... yes... spiritual warfare was on... and I got shot a lot of times... it was no fun... esp kena shot for no reason by ppl and strangers...

I didn't understand why this was happening... I was just frustrated. I "gave up" in my heart... like... you know what, shoot all you want, I dun care anymore... the more I care, the more I get hurt... I was complaining on all the wounds I've got.... and the tiredness... so many things... which I can't quite type out in the open web... dun wanna be caught in one... but God, you know... and I'm glad you did...

There come a point that reasons are just not needed anymore... so I gave up seeking the whys to all that has happened... and just be. Waited. In frustration. And in points where I just forgot everything and smiled with you again... how Lord... to be angry with love? You must have had your reasons... and you sure did. I saw the lesson... and I'm glad things didn't go my way... I'm glad not everything was shown to me... that my eyes were covered... to trust... that in all things, it will work out for me, though I do not see them as yet.

A test. :)
I got it~
*pokes*
Trust... Peace... Faith... Love...
Each quality produces & births out the next quality that forms me. My character. And I needed that pressure to birth out that trust in you. *Thank you Lord* I'm slowly getting there... trusting you more & more... & not get so worked up in the little mole hills... and giving up when I'm standing before mountains... I pray the day will come where I will shout at those mountains to look behind them, cos you're gonna crush them like cockroaches... *haha* I pray the day will come where I will not give up when I'm facing giants... but we will stone them down together like you did wif lil' shepherd David :)

Thank you Lord for helping me develop...helping me grow in seeing more & more of you in my reality... without that, even when miracles/impossible happenings knock at my door, I'm gonna be doubting...justifying...and trying to explain it to make it into a natural...than seeing for what it is - supernatural.

Lord, you're amazing. Thank you~~
*hugs*
*kisses*

I'm happy where I am now~~ I pray growth & promotion will happen... I want to go live in NYC & grow in my skills... I'm looking forward to that trip~~ meanwhile... I think you're not done with me here yet... *sigh* I feel sad but I guess you best know how to grow me... I'm not the gardener... I'll treasure every sunshine & raindrops~~

Thank you for all the experiences thus far...thank you for all the exposures & ppl~~ Thank you for all the opportunities for me to express & learn~~Thank you for helping me discover, learn & grow... You're awesome Lord~~

Thank you for loving me the way you do... Thank you for creating me the way I am... I love me... the way I am... Thank you for loving me & showing me your love... I would never have discover more of you & me without knowing the passion you have for me...

If I dun get it for me, how would I be able to run like the Samaritan woman...telling & showing the world... about you... I'm still have so much to discover & learn Lord... so much.

You are awesome Lord.
So so awesome...
*Thank you Jesus*
*Thank you Father God*

"~There is no one like you... to your name we give all the glory~"

"¹⁷The Lord your God is in the midst of you, a Mighty One, a Savior [Who saves]! He will rejoice over you with joy; He will rest [in silent satisfaction] and in His love He will be silent and make no mention [of past sins, or even recall them]; He will exult over you with singing."
Zep 3:17 (Amp)

"In returning [to Me/Jesus] and resting [in Me/Jesus] you shall be saved; in quietness and in [trusting] confidence shall be your strength." Isa 30:15 (Amp)

"Peace I leave with you; My [own] peace I now give and bequeath to you." John 14:27 (Amp)

"¹⁷And the effect of righteousness (looking to Jesus) will be peace [internal and external], and the result of righteousness (looking to Jesus) will be quietness and confident trust forever." Isa 32:17 (Amp)

*Brown words, emphasis mine*

9 Aug

2010-05-26T02:47:00.004+08:00

Honesty

That is one tricky word that I have been dealing with these few weeks. The people whom I met either have too much of it or too little.... It's a line of red or black...

Too much of it can make people run... make ppl wanna be somebody else just so to hide...I see how it makes people feel... uncomfortable.

Honesty.... it's an action to be paired with love. understanding. exchanging your shoes with mine. using my heart. critic aside. ears and arms open.

Many times, ppl already know the answer... the right way... the solution... and all they need is a honest feeling transaction... a deposit of their broken ---- to be heard... before time & journey follow... to the right place...

Thank you Lord for being quiet so so many times when I go on a crazy monstrous vent...kinda like Job & David... Thank you for your love....that endures... forever... I pray there will be more open ears & hearts... not the draining, tiring, nagging Job's friends type...

That is the beginning of unity - honesty. The beginning of trust. The beginning of a net. Knowing that when I am real, you won't judge me or preach from the alter at me, knowing that I am safe... to be me.

Regardless, I'm gonna be honest on my failings. Because fellowship needs it. I wish everyone (no matter what position) could admit their mistakes and be real. Be as real as Jesus cursing the fig tree when he was hungry.

Facade... we are not of the one who hides, pretend, lie or intend to deceive.
We belong to the One who seeks, became, freeing through truth & testimony, intending to build us for everlasting...

Why do we often hide...
I pray more preachers & pastors will be gifted with the skill to know when to deliver the baby... the message... rather than throwing it. That kills.
More heart, more ears, less talk.

What happens when one gets awed. We stop. Stop talking. Stop. everything.
And just - Awed.
I feel that sometimes the best way is to let the experience flow... God never fails, never shortchange... we need nets for free falling. Not nags when one decides to free fall & share...

Written awhile back before I went into full work-mode... never got to finish it since I was too tired... Thank you Lord for everything~~
More writings soon~

2010-05-07T01:26:00.005+08:00

~Being with you~

Oh Lord it has been such a long time since I wrote... and it has been such a joy to know you and be with you. You brought so much joy and smile and my soul jumps ! I can sense your presence so tangibly it's incredible~~

I'm still learning the precious lesson of righteousness and love. That it is not me but all you. YOU. You you you and a thousand times over. It's you.

King David's Ps 17: 13 - 15 recites over me this week~~

"Arise, O Lord!
Stand against them, (those evil whisperers in my mind disrupting our love conversations and my worship to you) and bring them to their knees!
Rescue me from the wicked with your sword! (Yes Lord, DESTROY THEM!!!)
By the power of your hand, O Lord, destroy those who look to this world for their reward.
But satisfy the hunger of your treasured ones.
May their children have plenty,leaving an inheritance for their descendants.
Because I am righteous, I will see you.
When I awake, I will see you FACE TO FACE and be satisfied."

Lord, how great and wonderful is your mercy that King David could see you face to face!! After the 10 commandments were given, WHO can stand in your presence if not for your mercy & love??? Nobody can! You called our own righteousness nothing but filthy rags~~ I believe King David was NOT referring to his own righteousness here but of your son Jesus Christ. Just as Jesus came to Daniel to rescue him, you came to David's rescue in the desert.

How awesome *Jesus* ~Lord your love endures FOREVER.~

Thank you Lord Jesus for tearing down the blockage & walls so I can go to God freely~~ :)))
U're awesome~!

Ps 138
¹ I give you thanks, O Lord, with all my heart;
I will sing your praises before the gods.
² I bow before your holy Temple as I worship.
I praise your name for your unfailing love and faithfulness;
for your promises are backed
by all the honor of your name.
³ As soon as I pray, you answer me;
you encourage me by giving me strength.

⁴ Every king in all the earth will thank you, Lord,
for all of them will hear your words.
⁵ Yes, they will sing about the Lord’s ways,
for the glory of the Lord is very great.
⁶ Though the Lord is great, he cares for the humble,
but he keeps his distance from the proud.

⁷ Though I am surrounded by troubles,
you will protect me from the anger of my enemies.
You reach out your hand,
and the power of your right hand saves me.
⁸ The Lord will work out his plans for my life—
for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.
Don’t abandon me, for you made me.

I know you won't abandon me like how u didn't abandon David :)
You have promised to be with us forever and ever and ever and ever and your promise STANDS! FOREVER!!

It's so fun~~ I'm so happy to discover where you live :ppp
Ps 132:13-14

I love this verse too~~
Ps 116:1-2

¹ I love the Lord because he hears my voice
and my prayer for mercy.
² Because he bends down to listen,
I will pray as long as I have breath!

I know a lot of things on earth can tired me and worn me out, Lord with you I can fight on forever~~ Thank you for teaching me perseverance and rest... drawing of the arrow. Draw me Lord, teach me more and more in your drawing.....I have so much to learn! And may your grace, mercy & light be piercing through many many hearts to your Kingdom, loving you together with me~! I'm willing to be the arrow~~!

Ps 30:5
"Though sorrows may last through the night but joy comes in the morning."

Luk 18:1
"I always pray , I don't faint, quit or give up."
Lord may you continue to help me to be still and not be stir by any currents around me. May your presence sit me still to persevere, not grow faint or give up until I reach where u want me to be~~

*Thank you*

I hand the rest of the 7 months unto your hands.
*HUGS*
*Tickles*
:P

7 May

2010-04-12T00:23:00.008+08:00

I have a reason ~ in every season ~ you.

Lord, for the many times in my life that I'm sick, I know many times I would be hiding in a hole...blanket over my head & not wanting to talk to you... that is true for many of my challenges in my life as well... focusing on the bad or just trying to sit it out till the storm pass... and then let you in again...

Recent months I've accumulated something new from the harvest :) Since the start of the year, a song was found teaching me to praise you over, above, through the storm and key - persevering. And then many other food came, also filling me to take a different route in my walk with You.

Faith and Endurance

James 1: 2 - 4
² Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. ³ For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. ⁴ So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

The wait... needs patience... patience needs trust... trust needs character... character needs testing in order to grow the endurance/perseverance that is needed to be patience. And patience is developed through looking to the Author of Love. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me~" It is not me who will win, it's never been me, but Christ who has been directing my every step. Lord I praise you for helping me learn all these... I really couldn't have done it without your guidance...

So I have been sick for the past 2 days... and it feels good to praise & wave to you Lord. I don't want to do what I have been doing for many years of my life - wondering why and when you'll heal me though I've prayed a kazillion times... This time, I just wanna praise no matter what... I believe the greatest victory is looking to Jesus, smiling & enjoying God's love & presence despite everything. That is something no one & no - "thing" can take away from us. Which makes me understand why James wrote "for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." I dunno how to describe this but when you feel it...when you know it...really know it... nobody can take away Jesus and that indescribable joy beaming within me towards my Jesus. I have Jesus, what else do I need.

The more I understand His love, why he is training me towards this understanding...the more I feel safe. Safe about my future and everything being in His hands. God loves me & He will not let me go. So I'm gonna continue to delight in You. Delight in the victory that is unseen but that is eternal. The victory that has not happen but that is coming as long as I don't give up or think otherwise. What I meditate on - I become. May I walk towards you more Lord.

And maybe I'll get to see you someday soon...

Rom 5:3-5
³ We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. ⁴ And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. ⁵ And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

I love you.

12 April

2010-03-06T12:15:00.007+08:00

Hitting a saucepan...

Lord, thanks for letting me hit something else and not the wall... I was dumbfounded... and so... I am sorry Lord. I have a lot to learn...

Once again, you won't know the theory until it becomes a reality... then it no longer is a theory but a close to your heart experience... it is still sinking in for me. I have enough spiritual treasures stolen from me these past few months!!! ENOUGH!

The joy that surrounds, the confident trust that anchors you to throw lifesavers around, the amazement of all things that neighbors along with joy, the admiration of all His works...all, the amusement in little things and amazingly faults as well, the wonders of what is to come, the peace that assures comfort, the love that settles me down and most of all the desires to know God more.

Yes they were all robbed from me the past few months after I made a decision following the "safe way" that my eyes could see and my head could plan rather than where He wanted me to be... to go on a holiday with Him. Sigh.

I boarded a pirate bus heading to seemingly the right direction but God knows... I was about to be robbed. It's kinda like watching a little hamster from above going through a maze... it heads the wrong path... u picked lil' hammy up to start again but lil' hammy still heads the same way. Yes...that's me... I sense Him saying nope...don't take up the job...let's go spend time together... but I was thinking about earning more money and experience... sigh. I'm sorry Lord.

The pirate bus took me on a spin shaking my faith and trust when I was sick and when I was about to head out of Singapore.

How true it is that even when I am unfaithful, faithless, doubtful, being tossed around by my waves of drowning thoughts, becoming a screaming banshee and literally feeling the irritating frustration crawling on my skin as I try to do what I hear... God told me to be still, to rest, to not do anything.... yes nothing. (That I'm not suppose to find jobs - nothing. I'm not to send out my resume...not to send out my show reels, not to - in my terms, let others know I exist. I want to be financially independent this year and plan to write scripts and do school shows... but I am told to be still. That jobs will come find me.) How true it is that even when I fail to be, God never fails.

Love never fails.

Oh Lord I am just like the disciples in the boat crying out as the waves toss & turns... I know you're with me...but I don't know better. I don't know you better...that you're with me and you love me and you carry me... I feel comforted that the disciples cried out... I failed and cried so many times... I pray I will know you enough to write what James wrote...

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.
For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.
So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.
If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.
But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.
Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.
Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do."
James 1:2-8

I asked for wisdom, Lord why am I in this situation... God told me during worship, told me through prayers from my bros & sis... but yet I doubted and got tossed around. My body and mind were fighting with my spirit. Arguing day and night. Between the natural and the supernatural.

Natural - How are you going to have any jobs if you don't go out there and find? How are you going to be anything if you don't follow the procedure of what everyone is doing to get there?? Look at where you are now - you're back down lower... still doing school shows and doing swing parts! Teaching... Isn't that what you do not want? Didn't you want to study? How is money gonna come in if you don't do anything? How are you going to get the money you need if you don't start something? Comon go write scripts and do school shows already! What are you waiting for? Send your resumes! Get you show reels out!

Spirit - Stop. Don't do anything. Rest. God is going to provide for you. Yes, you don't have to do anything. Jobs will come to you. Rest.

"There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience."

Heb 4:9-11

My spiritual family members confirmed and told me God wants me to just spend good time with Him and laugh.

I had a hard time accepting this because it didn't make sense at all...and I went back and forth in faith and in doubt... and wondered if what I heard was from God... and this was what it means when "you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind." And indeed I got tossed around and blown by the wind of lies...accusing God for not caring when it was me who has been listening to the wrong team and not having faith in what He said... cos it didn't make sense. The whole tossing thing is such a torture and it made me loose so many things in God.

Ali texted me last week this same verse I got in January -

"This is what the Sovereign Lord,
the Holy One of Israel, says:
“Only in returning to me
and resting in me will you be saved.
In quietness and confidence is your strength."
Isa 30:15

Prayers and ppl telling me this season of where I am is where God wants me to be...verses, confirmation, God speaking to me... and still I struggled this week in having faith to believe that is what I'm suppose to do. Part of me believe and know this Red Sea will part and I will go into the promise land. Just REST! But the other part screams as I saw my peers in the industry prospers ~ doing shows and all...

I didn't get the message until God let me hit a saucepan yesterday... and then I realize... Holy Spirit, I pray may you hold all my thoughts and guide me...may your power be rooted in my mind. Help me Lord Jesus...

On Tuesday, Dean... Lord thank you for his journey... it helped me see. After his business with his partner went south he sent out tons of resume...but it wasn't what you wanted him to do... so there were no replies. Months passed by, many things happened but it was all for the good. It all turned out good! He found his wife, now he owns his own company ~ impacting many lives. His walk with God, trust and the work of the Holy Spirit is evidently in him and his team and I can see God's hand in his life. It's amazing.

He told me how if God wants me not to do anything, then don't or I'll be allowing the enemy to steal, kill and destroy. Yes... since I took up the job that I wasn't suppose to... that direction robbed a lot from me and I'm recovering them slowly as I begin to see and stay with my beardy God. *tickles* Yes Lord I will roll with you~

After Dean prayed for me, I was humbled. In fact the past 3-4 month's experiences has been humbling... Why wouldn't it be? I was going my way thinking I know better... I thought God didn't care and I even thought my plans are way better...just becos it made SENSE. *Big sighs...shakes self* I was so wrong. I knew better than God??? *Big Huge Mistake* I believe what Dean said is true - "Talent can't bring you to where character can sustain and keep you." I have much to learn.

Guess what text I receive after praying with Dean?
Bro Khuen texted me:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take."
Prov 3:5-6

*CONFIRMATION*

So I went "away" bringing my laptop as usual... but not to do work... but to read... and guess what I read... Lol... Moses in the desert (in training and preparation for what is to come), Joseph trusting in God despite the whole down experience...Joseph, I kudos and admire your deep trust in God. After receiving that awesome dream that you are going to be the head and your brothers will all bow to you~ you went from being robed in the best clothing to becoming a slave and then a prisoner... I wonder if you had ever wondered what you dreamt was true... And then I read about David being a man after God's heart, his relationship with God when he was a shepherd must have been so wonderful and deep. "The God who rescued me from the paws and mouth of lions, bears and wolves will rescue me from this defying Goliath." *Applause* I want to have that assurance in my heart like David!

So much confirmation... I guess I didn't pass the test well this time..."For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.
So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." I pray I will do better from here on...

Lord pls help me to not doubt what I hear though it doesn't make sense to my natural dust brain... what does dust know... and so many times you'll make sure it doesn't make sense... Lol... so that you can show yourself powerful & almighty~~

So Rest. Have fun with Jesus. God is carrying me all the days of my life till my hair is white and when I'm old and grey~~ :) Stop worrying. Just stop. I can be so forgetful with what I've learnt and discovered... and repeat the same mistake... -_-''' Just see my past post this year... Oh Lord pls pls help me... knock spiritual sense into me everytime I am lost.

You know what? All the jobs I've had so far this year... they are all NOT found by me. They called me. I didn't call them. God provided. Thank you Lord.

And what was that saucepan yesterday? A phone call for a very important audition which I did not send my resume for at all... I pray I will win the role.

Nothing is impossible with God. He is with me and is carrying me. In all my ways acknowledge Him, trust Him and He will and is guiding me. Amen.

*Thank you Lord*

Visions reminder: Red Sea, promise land, desert, gold pyramid, inscriptions/directions on the gold pyramid.

6 Mar

2010-02-14T00:19:00.012+08:00

~~Happy Valentine's Day & Happy Birthday to me~~

I was looking forward to this day last year...wondering what it would be like to spend the Chinese New Year along with my Birthday... I had a lot of expectations for this year... It's a roller coaster ride... sometimes I feel really hopeful... really really hopeful... and other times I feel like I just got dragged across the road by a car... I hate how sensitive, reflective & understanding are built this way... but yes they are.

What do I write first... what I heard from you yeasterday... or my reflections...

When you truly know someone... deep down, you know when this person's words - be it angry words, hurtful words, why they are the way they are...you will know all the whys... Everything in life is a cause & effect... someone throws a ball at you and your pins might fall... Things or rather spirits of the present and past are exchanged... some experiences caught are great and it builds one up... while others might take excruciating time to become- "All things work for the good..."

Lord thank you for telling me yesterday... how you love me... and all of us. That you are always on our side no matter...

Have you ever seen someone you know...I mean really know... said something... and if it's spoken out from someone you do not know, you would have reacted differently? But because you knew this person...you know what's going on...in your heart you are on his/her side... not saying that what was said/done is right but deep down, your love & care showers over this person and more so from our Lord who does not condemn. Take yourself back to the time you heard your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife said all the negative things, or even your best friend who out of frustration said the F-word, B-word, whatever word...or did something that shocked you beyond... but somehow you are by his/her side not becos what was done/said is right or ok... but you love this person.

The woman who committed adultery... Jesus was on her side not because what she did was right... Jesus did not condemned her but instead set her free to live a new life. To start again. Jesus was on Thomas' side despite his doubts that Jesus was alive... on Peter's side despite his denial, him cutting off the ear of a soldier... Jesus was on Mary & Martha's side though they thought Jesus did not care and let their brother died. Despite their reactions... Jesus know deep down where that comes from... that disbelief...that hurt... those words... He knows why. And still he stands on the side of his children. Not because what we did were right... it's simply becos

He loves us.
He loves us.
He loves us.
Despite of everything.

God's love can move not just mountains...but valleys too.

"God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us." Eph 3:20

Lord despite my frustrations, my anger towards you... and at times it overflowed to strangers / people who are around me... despite my sulky, stubborn, hurt and sadden heart... you continued to encourage me...love me... guiding me & speaking to me like whispers in the breeze... you are still here...nudging me... to come... u're with me though I tried to ignore you... but you still shine gently... outside my window... even on the bracelet that my brother gave me as my birthday present... Speaking to me through so many people... Lol.... I feel happy, glad, angry and frustrated all at the same time. I'm thankful you did not give up... I'm still wondering what journey am I on this year cos it seems so bizarrely quiet in my career... maybe Alli is right... you are trying to get my attention... like "Hello...come I have so many things to tell you... come spend time with me." And I'm like "Lord why am I seeing people in the same industry blessed and I'm down in the dumps? Can you help me up esp financially??"

I feel like I've got a thousand and one things to accomplish and here I am... with time ticking away towards the number 3 as the front digit of my age. How am I going to study, go overseas, save up money for studies (how, how, how), and as the rest that is not within my control... like meeting my future husband... getting to that point in my career... it seems so... like I'm traveling to north pole by foot...

I pray I will get there soon. Where ever that place that God wants me to be at is... in His arms or where ever that is... on His love pillow... Lord, I'm gonna let go... it is SO SO HARD!!! Seriously.... looking at my opponents... IT IS SO HARD!!! Pls help me get there...

Alrighty... time to go fellowship.
Happy Birthday Me.

Lord... I love you.
Happy Valentine's Day~ *hearts&hugs*

2010-02-10T02:47:00.001+08:00

Peter...

Thanks for being you...

*Hearts*

More on you tmr.
*Hugs*

2010-02-10T00:47:00.011+08:00

CLouds Balloon...

As I walk through the usual fave route of mine... that big green patch of fields right beside my flat... looked up as usual... and beautiful u are Lord... as usual... except this time that big scattered white clouds passed above me head and I felt like strings were attached on me... I imagined myself being lifted away... flying freely on this scattered clouds balloon... I think God wants me to come home and play with Him... or He wants me to let Him show me around... : )

Where do you wanna bring me Lord?

Gosh... Lord what and where can contain you? You hold the universe... U muz be HUGE... Beyond HUGE.... O_O Lol.... what beyond greatness of this world & what my mind could contain will I see...? Hehehe.... I would so love to roll with you in that endless field where you love to be~ tending to your sheep... *Baaa~~~s* :P

Thank you Lord for nudging me... reminding me once again... love LOVE hearing you.... and also through everyone... Ali~~ Kel~ God bless them.

Rest... I pondered about rest... what did you do that day when you rested... what were we suppose to do... ? Then it came... fellowship. Having fun. Hanging out. With you. With your people. Rest. Smiling, laughing, loving, giving, touching, having refills upon refills from You. The water that never runs out... never. Lord you said that we who drinks from you, abides in you, depends on you, hold on to you, will never thirst again.

Lord... when humans thirst... for so many things... does that speak of the heart or mind or the whole being... water brings life.... wow... that means the whole being. Every need. Every thirst. When I drink from you, I drink from your being....your heart, your thoughts, your whole being.... I am in you and you are in me... no wonder the Samaritan lady ran to tell her world of you... everyone who had you, didn't thirst for anything else again...

Lord I'm so amazed when I read this today -

Quote:

"Zacchaeus was a tax collector. He was despised because he was a deceitful man, cheating people of their money and resorting to false accusations to get what he wanted.
One day, Jesus visited him. The Bible makes no mention of Jesus rebuking him for his dishonest lifestyle the whole time they were together. Instead, Jesus showed him grace and honor by spending time with him. Before long, Zacchaeus stood up and declared to Jesus that he would restore fourfold to anyone he had taken from illegally, and would even give half of his goods to the poor.

A moment with Jesus completely changed Zacchaeus’ heart. A moment with grace in person — without accusations, condemnation or judgment — caused such an inward transformation that in a short time, Zacchaeus was doing outwardly what was right and in a measure no man would have expected of him!

Many people want to live right. Their concern with right living makes them focus on themselves and the things they struggle with. But it is right believing that produces right living. If you are trying to break free from an addiction that has bound you for many years, believe that Jesus loves you so much that at the cross, He paid the price for you to be completely free from any addiction. Believe that by His stripes you are healed and delivered."

Zacchaeus drank from Jesus... He rested his soul with Him and fellowship... and the outcome... he desired nothing else but becoming like Jesus. *melts* Lord you are so beautiful.... your radiation & hope dissipates dirt & all filth like a refreshing bath... who would want to go back on those dirt after? None!! Dirt do float around... sad to say... and so to bathe I need every day Lord. I want to bathe in your water & not thirst for the what nots... Just you.

Eeeeks on dirts!!! May they dissipate FOREVER!!!

Lord I pray for my brothers & sisters in India. May the angels protect them & keep them safe from harm. May their lives bring more lives into your Kingdom. Lord hug them for me... I know you hug them everyday... just wanna send my hugs to them... Protect them Lord... May your love & blood cover them over & over.

To Remember:

Your love is not measured by blessings,
not measured by feelings,
not measured by circumstances/happenings nor things...

Not measurable in good times,
nor in bad times,
nor sickness or in health...
It's bigger than these and it's bigger than me,
bigger than your life that is found in your sacrifice.

I am loved and it will not be measured.
All will pass away except what you said -
"Nothing can take my love away" ~
Yes this will never pass away.

It cannot be measured.
God cannot be measured.
He loves and I am loved forever.
Period.

(From me, to me)

I love you Lord.
I will float, I will roll, I will swim and fly & hear your mysteries for me...
See you at the waterfall...
*Hugs*

10 Feb

2010-01-27T02:20:00.003+08:00

*sniffs sniffs*

He didn't want me to cry anymore...

so He tickled me...

...

.....

and I couldn't stop laughing...

... I felt like a crying baby who just got distracted by the dazzling dancing keys and laughed...

I will tickle you back one day !!!
*mew!* x P

2010-01-20T16:07:00.005+08:00

~Feeling the color of His break~

Lord, I wondered... have you ever rested since that day... That day after the first 6 days that earth was created... you rested on the 7th day... and since then, from the 8th day on.... have you ever rested since? We are such a handful isn't it... just one child's cry would break your heart... I love your mighty hand for us Lord.

When you lied down on that boat, how do you feel Jesus... were you dreaming? How did your body feel amidst the raging seas and storms... I definitely feel like I'm on that boat right now... feeling afraid... watching the waves tossing around and the little boat that I'm in... My whole being feels cold... thoughts shouted so much negativity that I just want to take a thousand yard tape, wrap up those neg-vity and shut it up. My heart feels challenged... when I have a moment of calmness, when somehow this made a little sense... water poured in and drowned me.

I hate to feel sad and confused... I really don't want to...
You are right here...right HERE... but yet, all this is happening. Everything that are not suppose to happen, happened.

I'm so sure the disciples felt the same. Mary & Martha when Lazarus died... And everyone who stood at the edge of the Red Sea felt the same... the impossibility... and all one can do is cry. How do I rest Lord? How do you rest Lord?

Time and again I laughed in my heart when I read those stories... "you guys should have known better... comon He's God! He's gonna come thru!" And now I can feel the stares of heaven looking down at me...perhaps if allowed, they're sniggering... "yupp...look who's talking.... not so funny anymore when it happens to you isn't it... right back at you sister... *winks*" Lol....

I wonder how will the story go if the disciples kept silence and laid down with Jesus in the boat... I wonder what did Adam do when God said "It's the 7th day, let's take a break :)" Did they hang out, had a good meal, floated in the air horizontally, or a lake... or laid down on their favorite spot and chilled... Or...did God went back to heaven and sleep? I wonder what did rest look like on that day...

But it seems like a really really relaxed day.... nothing like a storm or a death or a challenge happened... I might be wrong...
"God blessed the seventh day and declared it holy, because it was the day when he rested from all his work of creation." (Gen 2:3)
I imagined He kinda sprinkled some really powerful blessing dust into the air and the 7th day was like a day of miracle... A day where blessings would fall and there will be no lack because He has already blessed and provided. No other day did He declared it holy... but this 7th day, it was. I believe it was an awesome day. I wish I was there...
What was it like Adam, Eve?

Upon reading Genesis again I see that Gen 2:4 - 25 was like a summary or a repeat of what chapter 1 just said... I wondered why... And verse 23 - 25 was when Eve was created... and that was Day 6... and the next chapter Gen 3, the story went on to the Man & Woman sin... Lord, does it mean that Adam & Eve sinned on the holy day that you rested...?? It wasn't stated that it was the 7th day... The story went on to "One day the serpent asked the woman..." IF it happened on the 7th day...that would explain a lot of things... Adam & Eve only knew each other for less than 24hours...

I wondered if the scene happened like so... Adam sat under a tree, chilling out with Eve... they're both getting to know each other... well, Adam came to earth first so I'm sure where conversations starts, he would have more to tell and share about with Eve~~~ Everything that God had done when he came about early on the 6th day... what God had showed him - all the animals & trees in the garden...where he had been to... and oh yes...something very important that God said - "He told me specifically that we cannot eat the tree of good and evil that is in the middle of the garden... you must not or we will die" And the serpent cut into the conversation... "Really?? You can't be serious... Eve, have you seen the tree yourself? Why don't you ask Adam to show you that tree? I'm sure God wouldn't mind you looking at it..."

Now seriously I have no idea why at that time, humans can understand animal language...but I guess anything is really possible with God... Makes me wonder...anyone on earth right now knows animal language? Ok back to the story.... Eve stared at the tree... serpent continues to talk...persuade... and sowed doubts to them... that must be the first spiritual battle... If it was the 7th day... they were supposed to rest... but they end up gathering food...and that's work! God blessed the 7th day and they lacked nothing, food was provided for them... but they went to work and gathered evil... I believed Adam (just for half a day naming animals??) & especially Eve did not work... not for 6 days like God did... but they worked on the one day that God rested... and work they had to since then...

I don't believe God wasn't there and didn't know. No. I believe He was there... and choice he gave to all... and man/woman are created to the likeness/image/authority... but they are far from being perfect like God. Yes good they are... but they're not replacements. And if all these really happened on the 7th day... how much wisdom can a man/woman gather from >48hours but only God's word that said do not eat... I wonder... was there a strong relationship between them & God? I got to know God when I was 14... and I am only starting to deepen my r/s with Him... what can a day build...

There must be something really powerful about rest that the devil didn't want us to get. Comon, God rested! What will rest bring? Restoration...Strength... More goodness... Abundance... Jesus... God's grace... God declared it holy... Who rested in the bible and what was the results? Lord... Holy Spirit... for now it only seems like you have all the answers to my questions...

Lord which day am I at right now? Why does it feel like I have to fight for my rest... was there a time like that for anyone in the bible Lord? ... Moses & the Israelites... it was the 6th day out of the 14, 600 days that they're gonna spend in the desert....

"They must realize that the Sabbath is the Lord’s gift to you. That is why he gives you a two-day supply on the sixth day, so there will be enough for two days. On the Sabbath day you must each stay in your place. Do not go out to pick up food on the seventh day."
Exo 16:29

It was like - you MUST rest! You must! It's a gift! Done and you don't need anymore. Just stay in your place and rest! Are you saying the same to me Lord? Desert had nothing... but everything still happened because you were there...

Are you saying - If I don't rest, the devil will manage to steal my rights like it did to Adam & Eve???

Sighs. With all honesty Lord I'm really tired. Tired of all the impossibility happening to my face. I just receive news - there goes my performances in April & July with the company I wanna work with. The irony is so thick I dunno how to handle it Lord. I didn't prepare much and last year I got it. This year it's like everything I do is just slammed back hard into my face. I have no more strength & heart. I feel really sad. It's like everything just went spiraling down since last December and everything didn't recover since... I did all I could.... I dun understand and it's really discouraging... I'm left with a figure that's going towards 2 digits... I feel like I'm getting closer to the Red Sea... why do I feel like I'm facing it alone?

Lord I dunno how to rest. I feel sad...really sad. Do I still hope...? I'm trying to find it... I hate facing these impossibilities... I dun see a way out naturally... will there be a supernatural way out ? Father, where are you? Did Adam called for you in his heart that day when Eve picked that apple? I feel really confused Lord... By all logic conclusions, I have done all the right things... "Test you in giving..." I'm still waiting for you to save me... Where are you Lord? : ( I pray my heart and my whole being will be able to get through this... 2 weeks to CNY... Please provide for me Lord... This is all I ask... I dun even know how will I be able to get to school... I really wanna study... though I dunno if I wanna do acting, directing or writing... which one? But the more pressing question is ... how do I even get there...

I dunno....

I wish I have a wooden cloak... knock myself out to rest.... why do I feel like rest = unfeeling... I feel numb... where have my hopes gone to? I can't seems to find it anymore... I dunno... this storm is getting too much for me to handle.
Hopefully I'll see this Red Sea part soon. Please let me see dry land in front of me. Dun let me drown God... if you dun catch me, who will?????

26 Jan

2010-01-16T02:22:00.007+08:00

What silence can bring... or rather... give.

I have been at odds with you for a long while now... esp after hearing and reading all the stories & testimonies from other brothers & sisters how you have been so astoundingly real in their lives... walking on water, time traveling, teleporting, going through solid walls as written in the bible... raising the dead, healing, miraculous healing... I believed Lord and I still do. Which was why the past few weeks was absolute torturous for me...

I had nothing.

After hearing sermons on giving, I gave. I heard about anointing oil... I practiced. On holy communion, I practiced. I know nothing in this world that you have held in your mighty hand is too hard for you. Yet, I'm still coughing. Badly. After everything I tried, stood on your word... everything. Sometimes I get relief. I wouldn't say nothing happen. I receive healing, I believed...and then when I turn off the lights and go to bed, I cough to the point of weeping. Why... I couldn't understand why... I felt so discouraged and down. I questioned - is something wrong with you or something wrong with me that you don't wanna help me? Even to the point of - God why have you forsaken me? I know you said you wouldn't leave me.... but why can't I even feel you and why can't I even receive your blessing/healing??

I even questioned your existence... I refuse to believe that you don't exist. You cannot lie. Your word cannot lie... so what is happening??? I couldn't understand.

So I battled. I tried. I continue to try. Whatever it is. I felt so alone. I had no one to share this to deeply, those question of why God haven't you heal me... how in the world am I gonna pray for others and believe it'll happen when I believe it will - it didn't. How is that gonna work? Why can others receive and do beyond the natural and not me?

Then the battle of me loving the gift/blessing/miraculous whatever more than you came... but it wasn't true. It was all accusations from the noisy ugly. I gave up. I felt so hurt and sad. I felt depressed. My world doesn't make sense anymore. What I hoped for and believe in what I do not see didn't happen at all.... I didn't even feel like going Tues grp... and church felt like... am I gonna go there to get my hopes up to be crashed again? I felt terrible.

My world didn't make sense anymore.

And to top it off, after the faith giving, nothing much happened. MCD season 3 was not gonna happen, I dun have any good paying performing gigs.. only one small one... a couple of school shows and that's it. How am I gonna go thru Feb till March when I receive my teaching pay... This is/was (over & over) a daily faith vs fear thing. God didn't heal me, He doesn't seem to be showing up huge in my finances and I'm left to wonder will I get thru as my $ goes to a 3digits sum now... How could this happen... even after I gave this biggest ever sum I've ever given in my entire life and had faith & hopes that He's gonna show up... what if He didn't? I'm still waiting... as same for my healing & rest at night... I'm still waiting.

I didn't do anything wrong.... I didn't hold back in my giving nor believing... I continued to recited verses every time I cough till I gagged. Sometimes it stopped the cough... but...

After meeting with RJ for next wk's class, I was suddenly left with time in my hands and me. I didn't know what to say to you cos I was hurt, mad, tired of worrying about money, and jus really beat up...since I haven't had a good sleep from dec when the cough began...it was sleep after 5/6am...3-6hrs of sleep and it was and still is disruptive even after prayers from tues grp...

I kept wondering... how am I gonna go thru my life like that... nothing means anything right now. How is my life gonna matter? Why am I here if I'm gonna go thru it like that... my life doesn't make sense without You cos I have experienced you so much before when I was down in the dumps... deep depressing dumps of life...

I watched Blindside and wished I could help others who needed that hand... I need a hand myself now... I wish I was more enabled to enable. Then down the road I go, I couldn't take it anymore... Lord if you have watched over Michael Oters who got picked up from the streets by your great grace... and You set him on the path to success, isn't the path I'm on now where you want me to be? And when you open the door, nothing/no one's ever able to stop you isn't it...

And you reminded me... how everything that has happened for the past 2 years happened... and it was a path you set out for me to walk...how amazing it was and it was all you... forgetful I have been... I was sorry.... Although I don't see anything now, I am still on that path set out by you... wherever that you want to bring me, I will end up there... I just have to be calm amidst the storm while you rest & sleep. I need to rest & sleep too... I have been rowing the boat and being silly trying to fight the waves & the storms. I feel so silly... what am I trying to accomplish??? It's like trying to dry my hair while walking in the pouring rain... sigh and lol... my silliness... Lord forgive me.

As I take my best supper of the night, with silence, you & me....you talked. I love hearing you talk... it's like hearing a beautiful orchestra...floating, light...and most of all, everything began to make sense. I guess I have been playing my instrument in a terrible way. I was offbeat and I couldn't see/hear much though I am following your notes on scores but I was offbeat. And yes, that feels so alone. It was a mess. And that mess came out of one main ingredient. Fear.

It was fear. That ingredient made my silliness appear amidst the storm... I had fear and had more try-outs moments with the prayers/holy communion/anointing oil/giving... it was a standing of....let me try and see... and when it didn't happen, fear came in and shook my ground, blinded me and filled me with doubts & accusations. Before Joshua entered the land, God reminded Joshua "Fear not !" Like Joshua, I had experienced God's great power and like Joshua, I feared although I had seen before. "Meditate on the Word day and night..." "Your enemy is like the prowling lion" I lost my standing because of that fear... and it was meditate day & night... not try out once, fail and wail... and let fear take over. God did not give me a spirit of fear, He gave me a Spirit of Power and He gave me a sound mind.

I believe you are telling me to feed the Spirit of Power and not fear... if Joshua needed to meditate day & night on your word, I do too. I gave up immediately when the war between the supernatural were fighting and I fed the wrong spirit. Gosh...I fed the wrong team!

Over & over again, you're telling me to get back to your word. I must I must and I must. I will. Must. Weiling, go back to His Word. Go. Feed the right team. Know where I stand. When I stand at the impossible, I became miserable, silly, frantic & not knowing who I am, how you are always here... and all I have to do is STAND FIRM with YOUR WORD. When I stand at the possible and continue to stand at the possible firmly, meditating and renewing my forgetful human mind - I declare I will be prosperous and successful in every area of my life. Although I have not seen it yet, God will fulfill.

I must not fail to know that you will not fail at all.
You have won it all.

Silence. It says a lot.

Thank you Jesus~~
I love you.

16 Jan

2010-01-07T20:30:00.002+08:00

God~~~~~~~

THANK YOU!

*Kisses & Hugs*

7 Jan

Hillsong - still

2010-01-06T06:51:00.004+08:00

Rest. Rest. Rest.

God has reminded me time & again to rest in Him. To not worry nor fear. And the message last night was prompt to tell me yet again. Stop WL, stop and take a breather with God. Take hold of His word & walk. Stop running bare feet on glass shattered ground! Wear them shoes!! Stop and walk in those great shoes He has for me to fit into, walk into...and to the place where He has set for me. It has been set for me, over the parted red sea over the 2 mountains... my promised land has been prepared and He will do as purposed and nothing is gonna stop Him. Just....stop running.

I am going to see the Him parting my Red Sea. Have I lay down my staff for Him? Lord I pray that I will hold the "staff" loosely in my hands that when you say drop, I will drop. When you lie down to sleep in the storm, I will lie down with you and let the storm pass. May my faith & peace in you surpass all understanding and outer circumstances. I pray that I will lie in the storms with you...boy am I gonna hold your hand tight. I dun like storms at all....

Heb 4:9-11 (NLT)
"So there is a special rest still waiting for the people of God.¹⁰ For all who have entered into God’s rest have rested from their labors, just as God did after creating the world. ¹¹ So let us do our best to enter that rest. But if we disobey God, as the people of Israel did, we will fall."

(NIV)
"There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; ¹⁰for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. ¹¹Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience."

I have failed miserably to enter into that rest last week...these few days too... it has been a worried filled-accusations-terrible/terror filled thoughts and anger and actions towards God which base down to my little understanding and knowing of God's love for me and grasping too much on the world (labouring hard there instead) and grabbing too little of God's promises & truth. I am of the supernatural & not the natural. As Mike said, it is & should be more normal for the supernatural to happen in my life than the natural. Lord, help me get there...understand & hold tightly on to your rest and little to the world.

You love me, you care and you hold my world/story & my life. Be at peace & in trust WL.

Isa 45:1-3
¹ This is what the Lord says to Cyrus, his anointed one,
whose right hand he will empower.
Before him, mighty kings will be paralyzed with fear.
Their fortress gates will be opened, never to shut again.
² This is what the Lord says: “I will go before you, Cyrus,
and level the mountains. I will smash down gates of bronze
and cut through bars of iron.
³ And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness—
secret riches.
I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord,
the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name."

There it is... God knows my name and He calls me by name! He has gone before me and all I have to do is to hold on to His mighty hand in the boat and lie beside Him...

Isa 30:15,18-26

"This is what the Sovereign Lord,
the Holy One of Israel, says:
“Only in returning to me
and resting in me will you be saved.
In quietness and confidence is your strength.

¹⁸ So the Lord must wait for you to come to him
so he can show you his love and compassion.
For the Lord is a faithful God.
Blessed are those who wait for his help. ¹⁹ O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem,
you will weep no more.
He will be gracious if you ask for help.
He will surely respond to the sound of your cries.
²⁰ Though the Lord gave you adversity for food
and suffering for drink,
he will still be with you to teach you.
You will see your teacher with your own eyes.
²¹ Your own ears will hear him.
Right behind you a voice will say,
“This is the way you should go,”
whether to the right or to the left.

There it is... in quietness and confidence shall be my strength... You are ever gracious to me and my family and you will respond to the sound of my cries. Thank you Lord. Who will be the teacher that I can see Lord?

I praise you for these Lord. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Isa 46:3-4, 9-10

³ “Listen to me, descendants of Jacob,
all you who remain in Israel.
I have cared for you since you were born.
Yes, I carried you before you were born.
⁴ I will be your God throughout your lifetime—
until your hair is white with age.
I made you, and I will care for you.
I will carry you along and save you.

⁹ Remember the things I have done in the past.
For I alone am God!
I am God, and there is none like me.
¹⁰ Only I can tell you the future
before it even happens.
Everything I plan will come to pass,
for I do whatever I wish.

Yes Lord. May your will and plans be done on earth as it is in your books. I PRAISE YOU FOR YOUR GOOD PLANS THAT SHALL COME TO PASS. And all I have to do is be in quietness & trust. Help me do that Lord. May I understand your love for me as I labor into your rest. May I not be rebellious nor be like the late Israelites who has gone down to Egypt for help and put their trust in Pharaoh. Isa 30:2-3

Amen.

2010-01-01T22:58:00.014+08:00

Happy New Year! May it be a great 2010 for everyone! :)

I had a great time writing down my goals & dreams for this year~~ and had a really good time wif all my friends at the bay~~ It's so beautiful to share the moment wif friends... a new beginning, and a brand new chapter for everything good that is to come :) This year is gonna be great~~! It's gonna be filled wif great experiences & things between me & God~~ A year of restoration of what has been lost and a year of discovery of The Great I Am. May your love reign supreme in me, overflowing to everyone around me and may your purpose & will be done in my life. I come to 2010 wif open arms to everything that you are gonna give me and I declared that I am favored in your sight. May my understanding of you grow deeply each day and may trust be my root in your word. My cup shall be filled and running over to your flocks around me and may my heart be found in the hands of your story.

Wif smiles and praises ~~
I praise you Lord, I praise you Lord, I praise you Lord despite of everything. Your love & mercy endures forever and ever~~may it engulf my world & understanding.

1 Cor 2:6 - 10
"God's wisdom is something mysterious that goes deep into the interior of his purposes. You don't find it lying around on the surface. It's not the latest message, but more like the oldest—what God determined as the way to bring out his best in us, long before we ever arrived on the scene. The experts of our day haven't a clue about what this eternal plan is. If they had, they wouldn't have killed the Master of the God-designed life on a cross. That's why we have this Scripture text:

No one's ever seen or heard anything like this,
Never so much as imagined anything quite like it—
What God has arranged for those who love him.
But you've seen and heard it because God by his Spirit has brought it all out into the open before you. "

Although I can't quite see now, I shall not walk by my poor sight. Although I feel anxious & worried, it is time to walk in the light & truth.

Heb. 13:5
"Don’t love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said,
“I will never fail you. I will never abandon you."

Mal 3:10
"Bring all the tithes into the storehouse so there will be enough food in my Temple. If you do,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, “I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won’t have enough room to take it in! Try it! Put me to the test!"

Jos 1:8 - 9
"Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

I love you but you love me even more~ May I understand the truth in that~~
Downcast no more my soul, put your hope in God.
Happy New Year Lord~~
*jumps into your arms~*
*smiles*
:)

01 Jan

2009-12-28T01:02:00.005+08:00

The Fight

Many times in order to fight for yourself,
You have to fight yourself.

I have been dreaming about fights. Fighting the person and people who have been and are trying to take things away from me, taking what belongs to me. I fought so hard that I literally couldn't breathe and my heart felt weird... I woke. Breathed.

I wanted to kill the person who has been bullying me and taking what was mine.

And then I found out... subconsciously, I was fighting myself...in so many ways.

Quote:
"To dream that you are in a fight, indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life.

To dream that you are fighting to the death, indicates that you are unwilling to acknowledge a waking conflict or your own inner turmoil. You are unwilling and refusing to change your old attitudes and habits."

I will fight to win. I must win. And make change. Away with my old attitudes and habits!!! It starts NOW.

1Cor 9:27
^"27No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."

DO it, don't just say it or know it. DO IT.

Holy Spirit~~~help me.
Thank you...

28th Dec

2009-12-26T03:11:00.006+08:00

Ringing in my head after a book...

Don't just say it. Do it.

Don't just claim it. Live it.

26th Dec

2009-12-23T02:53:00.003+08:00

Distractions, Focus, Beginning & Endings

I feel like I have just been captured for a crime and thrown into a dungeon... seeing things coming to an end and it's really testing. Lord, overall I have so many overwhelming feelings that I dunno where to start. It's really testing and I need to go back to your word. Whenever I opened your word, I feel like I have stepped into an island...literally an island of buffet...jungles of food that I don't know where to start... and there's another catch.... I feel like I have to know how to "chop, dice, mix and cook" these food so I could digest them and not get chocked with the food going nowhere... Sighs. Lord, I know and feel like I don't have much time left... the year is coming to an end and it's scary. I will pray & pray & pray as Tracy said...and go back to that island of food...

I wish I'm in an island... another island... with just you and not a few other millions of ppl... and just... chill with you Lord. An island... reading & meditating on your word... not worrying about next year and work... the work that is not here yet...

It is a challenge of trust... Lord pls help me... I don't wanna put my security in ppl, money and situations... it is such a challenge... a struggle... I'm sorry Lord... pls help me... A lot of things are being taken away and I'm wondering if it is an uprooting of weeds in my life?? There will be no more filming of MCD for next year... so far no news on stage work, nor teaching, nor directing... nothing. I feel like the last time I stepped out, I was falling from a plane...and this time I'm falling from a space shuttle... it's getting higher... Lord pls catch me.

The endings of no beginnings, the annoyance of a few whom I wish can be "cut off & burned"... and now I feel like I'm floating... slowly.. dropping... silently..

All I can say is... Lord I'm calling out to you... Please help me. I dun wanna be drowned by my fears and I pray my faith & "cooking skills" will be built up... May everything needed to be the next best version of me be built up... Holy Spirit... Lord Jesus... my hands & feet are tied, lead me to where you want to free me...

This journey is not always easy...
But I know something is cooking and as much as I hate feeling this way, I have to hold on. Lord please help me to hold on. Faith, Trust, Your Word, Prayers, Remember your goodness, Remember the testimonies of my brothers & sisters around... if you have called me out, you will not leave me to "die". You're my leader and my Lord.

....anxious.... ... ..... .... ... ..
I will pray.

My life & my heart is in your hands.
Thank you for giving and taking away.
Thank you for still loving me the way I am now.
Thank you for comforting me though I forget them very often.
Thank you for guiding me and watching over me.
Thank you for sending people to talk to me.
Thank you for showing me the doors that are closed.
Thank you for building me up.
Thank you for what is coming.
Thank you for the greater that you have in stored for me.
Thank you for writing my story.
Thank you for all the beautiful _____ & _____ that you have shown me.
Thank you for loving me the way I am...the battling mind that I have.
Thank you for challenging me and preparing me for greater victory.
Thank you for reminding me. Again & again & again & again.
Thank you for nagging.
Thank you Holy Spirit ~ You are awesome.
I pray I'll experience u more & more tangibly.
I missed laughing with you...
Thank you Jesus ~ I can't live without you. *hugs*
Thank you Father ~ Remind me again... *BT hugs*
Thank you angels for doing what you do.
Thank you Lord, I pray and know soon I will abandon my heart & mind to you...
Help me get there... I need "pain killers" but I have a feeling it won't work that way.

May everything work out according to your plans. May your will be done on my life.
Amen.

Help O Lord... this thing that wraps around my spirit is giving me a hard time. Free me Holy Spirit.
Thank you...

23rd Dec

2009-12-22T15:26:00.001+08:00

Meditation of the day

Prov 1: 7

Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

2009-12-15T23:02:00.005+08:00

Favorite quotes from an unknown guy called
Kenneth Hildebrand

Quote 1

"Freedom is the opportunity to make decisions..."

Quote 2

"Someone receives a promotion, gets an important assignment, makes a major discovery, or moves into the president's office. He's lucky, an envious person remarks. He gets the breaks; they're always in his favor. In reality, luck or the breaks of life had little or nothing to do with it. So-called luck usually is found at the exact point where preparation meets opportunity. For a time, an individual may get ahead by pull, but eventually someone with push will displace him. Success is not due to a fortuitous concourse of stars at our birth, but to a steady trail of sparks from the grindstone of hard work each day."

Quote 3

"Strong lives are motivated by dynamic purposes; lesser ones exist on wishes and inclinations."

Quote 4

"Multitudes of people, drifting aimlessly to and fro without a set purpose, deny themselves such fulfillment of their capacities, and the satisfying happiness which attends it. They are not wicked, they are only shallow. They are not mean or vicious; they simply are empty -- shake them and they would rattle like gourds. They lack range, depth, and conviction. Without purpose their lives ultimately wander into the morass of dissatisfaction. As we harness our abilities to a steady purpose and undertake the long pull toward its accomplishment, rich compensations reward us. A sense of purpose simplifies life and therefore concentrates our abilities; and concentration adds power."

Quote 5

"The easiest thing to do, whenever you fail, is to put yourself down by blaming your lack of ability for your misfortunes."

I'm beginning to understand the messages that have been thrown at me all this while. It's like reading the bible for the 10 thousandth times and then finally... you got it. That one part that was in your face... now finally made not just good sense but it has a certain ring to it. Time to wake up.

15 Dec

2009-12-10T02:48:00.016+08:00

I have been challenged

This is my Sabbath~~~ in the Lord.

I have wished to go overseas but alas... like the ship that was re-directed for Peter, God re-directed mine to stay here... and as he was, I am feeling really uncomfortable and reluctant to stay... the unsatisfied self... argh-ing within... to go...get away....why am I still here... things have not changed and I had plans to use my money for a nice and well deserved break... but.

I have been challenged. To give it away. To give the security blanket away. Like how it was and has been when I first started back into theatre/tv....back to this land... it seems easier than.... and now I have been challenged to give it... it is SUCH a struggle I won't lie. I am STILL STRUGGLING and it feels awful! I can't sleep...

A part of me just wanna dive and just give that money away. Another part of me screams of - I want my holiday! I want to save it up cos I haven't been doing that! I want to use it to do other things! I need to buy presents! I need them for next year cos I don't know when is the next job! Lord............ T_T

Yes this is such a struggle of faith... I feel like I've been pulled in 2 directions and ... I just screamed... softly.... it's 2.55am...

Another part of me draws as the other part withdraws.... sighs. The Lord gives.... He is watching over me..... so give! Trust! Just do it! FAITH! Lol~~~~ maybe that word was meant for me.... gosh. -_-''' Sorry David if I gave u what God meant to tell me.... >_<

Lord............................................ help me to overcome my unbelief to belief and faithless to faithful and faith abundant so I can give abundantly. I do not wanna rob you of offerings. Spirit help me out............... this is like a faith offering. Lord, I pray I can overcome and be a steward so I know nothing holds me but you. Nothing but you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

4.12am

Lord you knew at 4.04am today on 10th Dec 2009, I will give that amount up to you. *Relief* ...... and much Joy. Though I have little now, I have everything because I have you. That nothing holds me now but you... my eyes are set on you Lord... Faith. Faith. Faith. Fill my heart continuously with Faith and not fear of the unknown Lord. I will not lie... I feel like I'm standing before the red sea, before my lions, before the giants, before the mountains, before the unknown. May your hosts of angels be with me...may my eyes be opened to see them (if u allow). Catch me Lord. More than catch me, Lord I want to see how You will part my sea, kill the lions, slay the giants, push down the mountains and shine pass the unknown.

Lord I lie await for you and place me, my life, my cares & concerns before you. Save me Lord.

My life as an artist, though no longer a rich one in human terms, I am rich as your child.

Lord thank you.

~ As I listen ~

This is our God

Freely you gave it all for us
Surrender your life upon that cross
Great is the love
Pour out for all

This is my God

Lifted on high from death to life
Forever our God is glorified
Servant and King
Rescued the world
This is my God.

What miracles will come?
I need one Lord.
I need you.
Help me to trust you more & more.
Save me Lord.
Open my eyes to see.

10 Dec

2009-12-01T03:17:00.006+08:00

Where do I start to tell of a tale~

A tale untold that grew louder with time
It beats, it screams sometimes it seems
I wish it can be done away
Exchange the pole that 'tracts to stray

Boxes stacked crashed over head
It's time to clear and give away
A new mail comes every now and then
A ghost persuading to live again

Never been crossed the path of two
How possible it is to match up to
It's one to dream up in the space
I feel this chase will never pace.

It's time to throw, the old, the new
And those invisible in one's pro-fuse
I learn I shall stay by my Christ
In Him, let me be all suffice.

1st Dec

2009-11-27T02:22:00.005+08:00

~~A lot to give thanks about~~

Thank you God for this year... 2009.

I still remember sitting down at Suntec's starbucks a few hours before the new year's bell... feeling so anxious of the coming year in 2009.....what is going to come...what will I be doing... will I be able to make it through and continue leaping & jumping through hoops as you catch me and toss me around in an amazing and surprising manner. I love it :) Thank you God!

Thank you for catching me every step of the way..... thank you for loving me and bringing me to places I can't even imagine :) Thank you for your favor. I am really blessed and I thank you thank you thank you for all that you have placed in my life. I pray you 'll help me through to be faithful to them continuously and help me Lord. I need you.

Thank you for opening doors for me in theatre~~ first it was TV then this year it was theatre :) And it seems like when the door opens, I go in with a BANG! Lord you are AMAZING. How will I ever... can I ever do that???? I CAN'T!!! It's ALL YOU!!!! I PRAISE YOU PRAISE YOU PRAISE YOU!!! *BIG HUGE CLAPSSSSS~~~~~~~WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!*

When "-MCD-" (gonna acronym everything~~blog muz stay out of reach....esp to 11 yr old boys who might go do a search & print of my pics and passed around in class...muz not happen again...) started in Season 1 it was the highest rating in that channel~~~the kids loved the show~~~ I heard feedbacks from one boy when he recognized me ~~ *which I still dunno how to respond to that...I'm jus not used to tt....* He told me how him & his classmates discussed about the show and out of all the characters, they like my character a lot cos Molly was the only smart one~~~ *Lol~~~~* This is so out of this world for me. I used to discussed about other people in the show I watched when I was a kid....and now it's the other way and it's surreal~~~ in a good way~~ I'm happy :)

And when You opened the door for me to step back into theatre, I was playing the lead character in "-LGF-" and every show received awesome feedbacks from the audience. Seats were always filled that it became a sell out performance ~ not just to schools but days when it's jus public audience~~~ Thank you Lord - I would never have survived & finish 51 shows without you. It was my first time doing so many shows at one time... I was wondering if I would be able to do it...cos when the show premiered in Esplanade Studio Theatre, I was so exhausted after just 6 shows! I had to run around, jump, hop, sing, dance, throw things around...well pretty much everything a naughty & playful 8 yr old boy frog would do.... but you assured me, that I don't need those protein shake - that I will be well taken cared of by Holy Spirit... that You will help me and see me through every single show... that You are with me every day~~ that You will bless the audience watching the show :) Thank you Lord~~~ Thank you Lord~~~

I was...well we were all sick in fact, for the first week of show (almost losing our voices, nose running...) and by mid 2nd week, we were all fine~~ Thank you Lord~~~ U R Awesome~~~

Then comes "-D&D-" which I am so privileged to be working with the master who is awesome with his skills. Experienced in his field, been in movies for his works and etc~~ I am so glad to be learning from him and I thank you Lord for the favor found.
Thank you Jesus~~~

Puppetry is definitely not easy and it's something different and new which I have never learned before. I am so glad to have gained a new skill! :D And learned from the best! :) And all the puppets which he made... wow... I dunno how he did them...but every single one of them, hand made, including the head pieces on every actors' head... Lord bless him. I pray he'll come to know you soon... May he be found & healed by you. In Jesus name, amen.

The encouragements and lessons I learned from "-D&D-" has been mind altering... in a good way :) Esp about pleasing people... not to take everyone's opinions to heart... esp the ones who are constantly trying to beat you down... If one befriends an enemy (who constantly beats you down) to be approved & liked by them, then that is worrying... for you would have become like one against your very own soul... I have learned that it is SO normal NOT to be liked by all and the opinions of those who doesn't matter (build me up) to me, should never stick. Never. For what is the use of one who throws you a tear down card. There is no other way that card can played but to be thrown away. Keeping it is jus futile. Even if it's thrown by a big shot. It's futile. Which is why God never does that...cos He knows it will never work. I must learn to flick away comments that are not helpful, tt are hurtful and learn to distill what I hear. It doesn't mean things put out in a bad manner but are helpful will be distilled - it's taking out the bad manners trash and taking in the main contents. I must stop trying to hear bad things. Hear good things !!!

I thank you Lord that throughout this -D&D- journey I have learned more about dealing with people, drawing my boundaries and most of all it has made me want to learn more about You.

We went for supper a few times and one of this time we talked about religion and beliefs. It was a conversation that triggered me a lot. I was sitting there listening to an Atheist telling me about his journey to why he has a problem with Christianity and the bible...about evolution... questions on contradictions which he found in the bible... the links he made between the bible and Buddhism.... and ended with - go read Darwin's book....

I was trying to hold myself together so I don't burst into a thousand flames and become a human torch.... yupp...I was that uncomfortable... I felt helpless, angry at myself, I felt sad for him and myself and really trying to share my point of view but nothing came out. The conversation was taken...and I was taken aback...

I wanted to stop him and shine light into his eyes.... but I know that will just make the person run for cover and hide in the darkness...offended by the surprise "attack".... I felt angry at myself for having all these mixed feelings... I want to say something but there are many things I do not know or have forgotten the answers myself! All the intellectual conversations on evolution, questions on - Did God create evil, Why God killed the firstborn of the Egyptians (which he pointed out the innocent children...but there're firstborns who are adults as well in Egypt), Why kill the innocents? Why did God reject and chase his own creation out of the garden? Why did he put that tree there and the serpent there....

The questions came over like a Tsunami... and all I could do was to sit there and listen... I want to and tried to intervene... but when someone is telling you his version of convictions, his questions... it just seems like a passing train... all you can hear is the echo after... and I am left to ponder... to search and... yupp...I did beat myself up for not knowing, not able to answer... and I carried the burden for a long 2 weeks... that I am not equipped enough to answer...

But I thank you for that God, cos I know through that, I will learn better and next time, may I have the courage to reply and the heart to sit through the conversation without the flames within...

All these triggers have led me to an awesome website which I am stilll reading on. I have learned a lot from it and I will share the link on my next post :) Gonna read through and make sure~~~

Thank you Lord for fulfilling my dreams of performing in Esplanade this year and Drama Center too!!! You are awesome!!!

Eph 3:20
"God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us."

I can't THANK YOU ENOUGH!!!

You are my wildest dreams~~~ You are....
You are next~~~ :p *Kekeke~~~*

Lord I dunno what is next for me but I will continue on and give my best~~ help me and may Holy Spirit work within me towards what you have for me Lord. I await~~~

Thank you thank you thank you Lord~~~~
With you I have everything. You are my everything, my all, my love~~~
*Hugs*

Lord, I really want to be away from here... can you bring me to the country which I dreamed of?

I pray and give you my future~~ 2010~~ may I walk your plans in the coming year~~
Bring me there Lord.
*Love*

26th Nov

2009-11-06T01:50:00.005+08:00

. . .

I feel so SO bloody angry... I want to just hit the wall, scream into the pillow and throw my bed over...! Seriously. Have you ever got your idea stolen and the person is parading around, smiling in your face, doing what was originally yours and prancing around like a winner... I regretted telling her. Gawd.................. I hate that steal and smile face. I feel like the bricks under my feet had just been knocked off & stolen so she can stand to the original place where she fell a few days ago cos she pissed off the director. She wants to redeem herself and there it is...being proud again... which was what got her into trouble in the first place... but blames the trouble on us and takes revenge by missing the show and we had to do last min frantic covers in the show for her due to "the pain" in her neck.

And she goes on being so friendly and nice and most of all sincere... sincere!!! What good acting~~but fail acting physically~~ I know how it looks when one has terrible neck strains. Argh...but the way she reacts... it's just confusing...maybe I'm wrong... I dunno. Makes me wonder... perhaps some percentage of siociopath is present. Gawd the fake-ness disgust me to the core!!!! I feel so so disgusted and so yucky. I hate when devious is being played. I hate games. I hate feeling that !

And what disappoints me most was the puppet master... I respect him a lot, I just dunno why he lets this person ran all over him like dust on the road. He doesn't speak up much or confronts her but let her go on disrespecting him, over riding him by going straight to the director without checking. And today, though he knew that was my idea and I did said I was gonna be trying it out today, he asked her to do it. I felt so offended and like I could have exploded right there and then. I did not know what else to say and how to say how I feel right there and then. I should have and I missed my chance. I gotta do better next time and not let junk scums color my world!!!

As Signa would put it - I WON'T STAND FOR THIS!!!!
>: ( *burnssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss*
*ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGHARGH ARGH ARGH*
God help me................ I need to cool down and at the same time I want to throw bricks into deep waters!!!!!!!!! :((((((((

*ARGH!!!!*
: (

2009-11-05T01:14:00.004+08:00

I feel so tired Lord~~
But I want to write to you...

What I come to learn on Tues is mind boggling and eye opening which I pray without a doubt that one day I will experience that. I pray that I will walk closer & closer to you. I wish that I can finish this D & D production and move on to you... I feel so tired... sigh. Thank you for blessing me still... I'm sorry this is getting in the way... :( I should not be taking it up. Thank you for blessing though I make mistakes. I am glad to learn from this journey. I pray we will walk closer & closer Lord. I wish I can just getaway with you now...to the mountain... I pray I can afford to go to the mountain.... can you take me there Lord?

I want to be like Sparta... trust. And playful :p *hee hee hee*
I will get there~~ where ever that you want me to go.
Boldness & courage is mine & me.
I can do all things, everything through Christ who strengthens me, who is in me & who can do more than what I can imagine!!! More than! I will be imagining some crazy impossible stuff!! Watch out God~~!! I believe them & I believe you are that powerful!!! I dun know how will it be like for - exceedingly more than what I can imagine~~~!!! I imagined that I can fly!! What will more than what I can imagine be??? I know I can never beat you... who am I...but your lil' dusty playful daughter~~~ :)

I miss you Lord... very much... I'm sorry I haven't been spending time with you as much as I want... all these works and people around me are pretty draining... :(

Holy Spirit pls help me to make the most out of this next 16 days... may they speed by like 1 secs of your mini minute Lord~~ *kisses*
I love you.

I will see you soon.
Please help me to understand that you are more than enough. not books, skills, people... but you. I am so glad Lord you make me the way that I am. I am not a genius, not really a miss logical, not a scientist, not a brainiac person or too smart for my own good... all I have is I believe you. All that you say in the bible. Now I just have to be closer to you & trust you. Trust. Knowing & trusting. Help me Lord.

May I walk like Enoch did.
:)
*hugs*

2009-10-10T22:28:00.015+08:00

A little quiet... to a different place~

It's been awhile since the last time I came here to write down my thoughts... finally just some peace from this busy city. I wish there is a place that I can go every now and then...a place of my own where I can just be. Regain silence...breathe.... and look up at you. Write ~ Dance freely ~ Sing and fall freely into what you have created in me~~~ in you.

I love it when I can just melt in your presence... with no cares... no cares of the rest around... cos there are none. I dunno how to explain but the joy is unexplainable Lord. I'm a little kid again. Like that girl on the train who hugged her daddy's right leg tightly as the train moves... *smiles*

Today I learned so much from the Pastor... thank you Lord for speaking to me. Thank you for teaching me. I am so grateful for all the trials & lessons you have put in my life. All the testings & tough times. It's like your books have come alive in my life. Everything makes more sense now. What every hero have gone through in the bible, they made so much sense to me now.

The time when everything died. The things which held my heart ~ arts, drama, directing, the vision, the dream, the gift... the people who mattered more ~ the boyfriends... my dad... the cycles, the comfortable routines that took me away... I was lost in the routine of... engulfed and swallowed. They also took what you put in my heart away... gosh...so so many things Lord...I was missing you and yet I felt like I couldn't move towards you... I only needed you when I needed you and I had no idea of your heart for me.

The things and happenings that robbed me away from you...were robbed from me so I can see again. Those access luggage and cares became my identity and tags... and when I thought I knew you jus becos I had walked with you since my youth... I was so wrong. I had no idea. Until everything was removed and all I had was you.

I became angry... I questioned and asked all the whys... why did it happen...what was wrong with me...why do I have to go through certain trials over and over... the moments of feeling angry, sad, disappointments, loneliness, in pain, in shame, ignoring you and eventually needing you more than ever.

Today's learning:
Job.
He got robbed too. By Satan becos God allowed. His everything. His business empire, his children, his house, his health... and later on he was experiencing going blind, lung infection, skin disease, depression and etc...

Lord I'm so amazed at how he is Lord. Who am I Lord... Thank you Lord for your grace for me. I am grateful and touched. Oh Lord, I am truly amazed by his heart...

Job 1:20, 21b
"Everything gone, his children died... and yet at the end of the day... he stood up and tore his robe in grief. Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground to worship." In 21b "The Lord gave me what I had and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!”

He praised you even after losing his precious children...went bankrupt... I can't imagine a parent losing a child... I had dealt with losing a friend...I don't know how and I don't want to imagine how it's like losing a child...

Yet he praised you Lord... How amazing and precious that must have meant for you. Your heart must have melted to a million pieces. Thank you Lord for creating Job. You are amazing. How does one so righteous exist?

And through these testings and trials... you kept silence with Job... I remembered your silence a few years back... it was torturing. I couldn't understand what was happening. I believed and knew what you can do, what your powerful hand can do...but yet all I heard was the devil laughing... that you were angry at me, that I was not good enough, that I did something wrong, that I was not perfect enough, that since I believed God is Almighty and can indeed help me... then there is nothing wrong with God but everything wrong with me.

There was no sign of rescue... no sign of miracle... no words of encouragement... but just plain dry land of nothingness... bare. I was walking with disappointment and disbelief...why did you put that vision and relationships/friendships in my life but yet at the end of the day, everything did not work out... they were all gone... people that were similar to Job's friends popped all around me... time passed and I couldn't do a single thing. I floated around like a ghost... wishing I was human again if only God will find me worthy. I tried so many times with my own strength...even when I did well, nothing happened. I felt angry - like what do you want from me God? What is good enough???

I didn't understand the covenant of God's love & grace for me... I was going through life following the old covenant of the law... doing everything I can, trying the hardest to be a certain way - perfect... which results to nothing. And I praise God that it resulted to nothing. The old covenant belief only leads to death. It led me to confusion, frustration and a lot of anger at myself and convinced that God did not love me...

Job thought the same thing too...

Job 16:9
"God hates me and angrily tears me apart. He snaps his teeth at me and pierces me with his eyes."

Devil also came back again and again trying to convince me that God is not able. I remembered being so angry and refusing to believe that you are not.

I didn't know why I was going through that... I believe the devil wanted me to give up, to stop loving you... so as to Job...

Yet throughout all that he was going through, physically tortured, emotionally beaten... Job had such confidence in God...that everything happened for a reason... he held on...

Job 23:10
"But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold." (NIV)
"But he knows where I am going. (How I'm going to be) And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold." (NLT) (Italics mine)

Without these trials & testings, I would never have known you... the bible would never have made sense... I would never have become the person that I am... and I am thankful Lord... I prayed that I have praised you during these periods... I pray that for the days of testing to come, may I be like Job. He is awesome Lord...

James 5:11
"We give great honor to those who endure under suffering. For instance, you know about Job, a man of great endurance. You can see how the Lord was kind to him at the end, for the Lord is full of tenderness and mercy."

Rom 5:3-5
"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."

Job passed the test and he was qualified for the double portion. God restored unto him a double portion of everything. Everything! Praise God!

2 Tim 2:12
"If we endure hardship, we will reign with him. If we disown him, he will also disown us"

Lord I love how at the end, Job said this...
Job 42:5-6
"I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance."

Now I truly see who you really are Lord and I am amazed. I feel so loved and honored by you. Lord how have I deserved your love and attention that you wrote this of me. Of how I would be and become... Thank you Lord for your grace and mercy. Thank you Holy Spirit. Thank you Lord Jesus. I am deeply moved and grateful.

The restoration message. This is the 2nd time I have receive this message from you Lord. I pray that if it pleases you, may a double portion be restored unto me as it has to Job.

Job 42:12-15
"So the Lord blessed Job in the second half of his life even more than in the beginning. For now he had 14,000 sheep, 6,000 camels, 1,000 teams of oxen, and 1,000 female donkeys. (All double of what he previously owned in business) He also gave Job seven more sons and three more daughters. He named his first daughter Jemimah, the second Keziah, and the third Keren-happuch. In all the land no women were as lovely as the daughters of Job. And their father put them into his will along with their brothers."

The Lord has even restored unto Job children who blessed his heart, whereas previously, he had to worry if they have cursed God in their hearts and Job had to make offerings for them constantly.

I have also learned that I have to trust and be in your word more. I have become like Job... that at the back of my mind, bad news hovers around telling me not to be too happy when I'm blessed...

Job 3:25
"What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true."

Even in his former blessings (Job 29 - they are seriously awesome), he had not known you enough to be at peace. He had that - What if one day... fear.

Lord, I am the same... I pray that those bad news which I have heard happened to fellow brothers/sisters will become dissipating shadows before you. May nothing grip me in fear. That to live is Christ, to die is gain.

Job 19:25-27
"But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and he will stand upon the earth at last. And after my body has decayed, yet in my body I will see God! I will see him for myself. Yes, I will see him with my own eyes. I am overwhelmed at the thought!"

May my heart, mind & being trust you more and be at peace. That no matter what happen, may I come forth as gold.

No matter what happens, I will be fine. You hold me and my world. You created and wrote me in your books. No one can ever take away your love nor your hand that writes destiny. In you I will live~~~ Thank you for restoring me thus far Lord ~ Thank you thank you thank you Lord!! May I continue to know you more and more and more~~~! Amen.

*Hugs* - your infinite leg
:p

Guide me Lord in this and the coming seasons... the year is ending soon and I have so much to discover... Everything are nothing but you. I love it. May they continue to be nothing compared to you.

*Loves*

10th Oct

2009-09-30T02:30:00.004+08:00

~~I love you~~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-f2zbPVJcY&feature=related

I pray Lord, that day will come... where I will see you... see you so close... and touch you... May I be like dove, your dove... I want to have eyes like that for you Lord. Help me Lord to get there.

I'm really glad to learn more about me... I pray I'll know... may your wisdom be upon me... to know... how Lord to love me and be me.

I'm glad to be where I am. Thank you for helping me see through that experience Lord. I want to get there step by step...

I'm glad to have gone through that and speaking my honest feelings. I know that you will deliver me when I call and when you don't means I have something to learn from it and I'm glad to see the part of me that I need to accept, love and learn. I pray Lord you'll help me. I dunno why subconsciously I'm this way... I pray you'll help me love me and vocalize me.

I need a break from everything.
Work is good...but for now, I wish I can run away with you and learn a better me...and most imptly ~ you.

See you soon Father. Lord. Jesus. Counselor. My Love. My Everything.

30 Sept

2009-09-16T23:00:00.007+08:00

Today :)

It was an oddly pleasant experience to have hundreds of children coming up to you and asking for an autograph~~ the beaming smile and look that they have when you give them something... a smile, a hi five, an autograph and a thank you for coming... it's precious. I dunno how to explain... It's genuine. It's precious.

The way things are nowadays... speed... instant everything. From noodles to love, technology to studies... and sadly from a child to a childult being "overcooked" & painfully distorted in a microwave world... It's painful to know, when I see children growing up too fast... being exposed and sponging up wrong information seen on TV, magazines, movies, people about sex and the mindset on values... on what is cool and what is not. Often trends are more important than values and personal identity. Being the human stamp approved "livestock" is more important than being organic and original... taking time to be and grow.

What is the hurry???? What is really the hurry to grow up??? Robbing rubies. The devil is robbing rubies of this world and perhaps the stamp of the infamous triple 6 may not be much visible to the physical eye but rather that of what is in the heart... towards the latest "coolness" and a generation of "it's fine - I don't care - I want to be like that"... accepting everything popular or rather peer-pular. I pray Lord that all parents of the world will know where to draw the line to protect these precious children Lord. May the future generation of Abraham and Jesus be revived and may these rubies be protected to grow into the strong diamond you so want them to be.

Freedom can be lethal with no boundaries. Medication and weapons, words and values, everything has a boundary. I wish on every heart to know you Lord... where they can dwell and finally found the boundlessness freedom in your heart and in your words. May more hearts be a foreigner in this land awaiting for the day when you'll arrive to bring us back to your intentions.

The beginning is so beautiful Lord. I can't imagine how your story would end. It's not just a story about us... it's a story about You. You. YOU. Love. LOVE. The greatest and longest story ever told... ever unfold and still unfolding until You say The End. I want Lord to read to me all over again when I get to heaven. I want to hear everything!! We'll have all the time in the world and I want to hear them all! You must be an awesome story teller~~ *hehe* I shall not imagine~~ :) I look forward to that Lord :) I pray I'll be able to see you Lord. Help me understand how to get there and be closer to you Father. Lord. Love. Friend. Jesus.

Thank you for carrying me~ thank you for bringing me on an adventure~ I wonder where next and what will I see next? :) *Hugs* I'm so glad and happy that I make you smile Lord. That no matter what I do or not do, it doesn't matter. Help me to understand that more and more Lord. May it be embedded within me. Thank you Lord for loving me. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you. I am so so grateful and I feel like I'm still trying to understand... how Lord, how have I deserve your unfailing love and favor, you carrying me, being with me every single second... Thank you for not leaving me and for nagging your love to me :) THANK YOU! I need that! Your servant is slow to understand and needs much guidance... I must stop judging myself and be so harsh on myself...

Thank you Lord for what you have done so I can be with God. Thank you Lord. I love you. I pray I'll be able to go somewhere and just learn and soak you up... I dunno where... guide me Lord. Where can I go to learn from you? Guide me Lord...

I pray you'll guide me to the right place of fellowship as well... Holy Spirit please hold my heart and may your wisdom fall upon me to make the right choice... where God wants me to be. I need you and just you Lord. Help me get there Lord... where ever it may be.

4 more days to the end of performance... I'm amazed how you have brought me through this...Thank you Lord for protecting me and helping me through. I love you~~~~ You are amazing!

Help me listen...
May my ears and heart be open...
Focused on my most important audience.
You.

I love you Lord.
Goodnight.

p.s: Thank you for Pastor Freeky (I hope I get his name right...) Thank you Lord for saving him and that I was able to see him and hear him preach... Thank you Lord for his story and what you have done in his life. That is so so amazing and I can't wait for more. Thank you Lord.
*hugs&love*

17Sept

2009-09-07T00:54:00.011+08:00

A pleasant surprise :)

Thank you Lord~~~ *Big Smiles*
I can't believe I jus sat in a service who had Hillsong to P&W leading~~~~ and it's Darlene ! Thank you Lord for this surprise! I love it! I didn't even manage to catch her when I was in Sydney.
This just made that trip complete :)

I'll see her again, I know it :)

Lord thank you for all these people who are blessing your church as a whole in the world. Bless them back big time Lord~~~ may their song shine light into many hearts & mind. May these songs be as comforting as an embrace & empowering as your glory. May you help me to shine my light to the world too.

Caught The Time Traveler's Wife with Susi :) *mixed sigh* Good show, sad ending but I love the journey of the story. If I could time travel, I would go warn myself from getting into that horrible ordeal last year. I wish I could do that. But now I can only give my ashes to the Lord and let them be blown away... to fertilize a beauty untold..and that is to come.

Lord help me to move into another realm and not let my cells remember the similar atmosphere while I'm here in a different continent... I want to forget and move on. I dun want to look back and wonder why... I guess I want and miss the place... but not the nightmarish person and happenings.

Help me Lord to get to that dream place... I dunno how to get there but I will try. I guess you have seen where I'm gonna be... help me get there Lord... when will I be able to leave this place for a long long time? When can I go around giving? I want to be financially strong Lord. Help me get there.

Inspire me~~lead my heart Father...

:)It's amazing how You dun need to time travel. You are already there. The past, present and future. You were, You are and is waiting for me to get to my future :) What's in the books Lord? I wish I could see my story book... what did you write? Hehehehe~~~ surprise me? :)

Watched Cory's wedding live... it's interesting :) I'm glad for this great guy~~ God bless them~~

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear someone... I wonder... how will it be like? How are you like? Maybe I'll see you soon...or 2 years later... Lol~~~ who knows... I just know that God, You are faithful and one day that will happen~~ whatever and whoever that is~~

*Smiles* Thank you for everything so far Lord~~

7 Sept

2009-09-05T22:10:00.004+08:00

Hi God,

Thank you for blessing me so far~~ giving me strength for the past week... and also healing for my cold. I'm so thankful~! Thank you for being by my side all this time & teaching me stuff~~ I have so much to learn~~

Working closely with an atheist is not easy... at the same time, it's intriguing...I felt angry at one point because of something she said about you... and then it made me think... a lot.

I wondered what happened that she is at the point where she is... I shouldn't be angry with her. I should be angry at the devil who lied to her! Told her that there are many other gods who are named Yahweh before you were called Yahweh and all the other facts that she found while she was studying and that put her Catholic faith at zero. I feel sad about her... I pray God may you let her find the real facts and not be disheartened by bad examples of priest and those lies... May her eyes be opened...

I wish I have all the facts about you... I wish I knew more... I wish I know where to learn them... I have been an experimental and experience person my whole life... I learn through trial and error and believe by faith. Just believing because I have experienced you... and not because I have facts about whether or not you existed... You existed to me... my heart feels You, sensed You... You held my hand many times and held me to sleep many nights... how do I explain these personal facts?

Lord I pray I'll be able to learn more facts about you... and may I be wise like Solomon, knowing when to answer what... I so need that. I feel that pressure boiling and I don't want to be Miss Agreeable... nor do I want to be Miss Pain in the A**...

I'll get there...

Lord, what should I do? I feel like I have a thousand and one thing on my mind to accomplish... where do I start? Direct my paths Lord. I pray the past will not come back to haunt me. You have said it is over and so let it die completely in me and outside of me. Let it completely disintegrate. The old has gone and the new has come. And more new to come my way~~ amen :)

Thank you for I-Theatre's Little Green Frog~~ I'm glad to be doing this... it's a great experience and I'm amazed by how you work God :) Thank you for sustaining me everyday~ keeping me safe and looking forward to what is to come~~

I will try for next year's scholarship~~ I know it's a far fetch but if it is what you have for me, I'll get it. I know that. I pray I'll be able to catch more good work Lord~~ I really want to stand alone soon~~ I dunno how to get there but I know with you I can~~ Help me to help others too...

I pray for Susi to understand & know u deeper, Fen the same~~ Both Eves to get her new job and breakthrough in their lives for the plans you have~~ I pray EC will come ~ pray and know you soon Lord... please soften her more and may your presence be so clear to her Lord~~

Father I need you so much for what I'm going through right now... keep me physically strong, mentally word, spiritually in your mighty hand. I pray one day, I'll be close like Moses... More than a friend, closer than a leader... I wish I could see your back too... Can I begin with the foot I always hug?? :P

I love you God...
Lord I pray I will feel better tomorrow...or later...please help me.
May the pieces of my heart come together in your hands...
I don't like this mixed feelings at all... happy that I am in a good place right now... but I feel sad of a treatment undeserved and uncalled for from the past. I feel pain and glad at the same time...
Such complicated happiness and pain.
Perhaps you feel more of that daily... much more than me from every one of your child... I'm just a fraction of you...

5 Sept

2009-08-26T01:50:00.012+08:00

~From the inside out~

Oh Lord... where do I begin? I am starting to sound more and more like psalms~! Lol~~~~

Lord THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU so so much!!! Pastor Nathan is so right when he said - the knowledge of you is worth losing everything else in the world. Even if I were to have the best role to play on TV or the movies here or in another part of the world, even Hollywood, it would mean nothing. How awesome that David knew & touched your BIG BIG heart & his son Solomon has your infinite wisdom. Lord I do not want to gain what this world has to offer and lose you. Thank you for showing us through Solomon that everything, IS nothing. God is not there. God is not there.

Lord, thank you for touching me with your holy spirit. THANK YOU HOLY SPIRIT!!! You are so awesome!!! Thank you for answering my prayer Lord...thank you for hearing me... thank you for showing me about the Holy Spirit. I have always been wondering... who are you Holy Spirit? Do you just guide me? And...is there more? Thank you for teaching me & letting me experience more of you God and your Holy Spirit. I am so so grateful. *goodsigh*

I felt so embarrassed when I got loss for words just now... Meeting new people always get me this way... I feel like there are potatoes in my mouth and head and I suddenly just do not know what to talk about.... And...words got blocked as I was trying to say something and I dunno how to put it so it doesn't sound like I'm trying to get something.... I wanted to give, use my talents and give back to God and I really dun mind doing it for free but I dunno how to say it....and that left me with my hands dancing in the air like some charade.... When the potatoes block me thoughts for phrasing, it's gonna be "... ... ... ..." You'll see the tracks but there ain't no trains coming... And that led me to do the embarrassed dance later as I walk home...
* -_-''' *

I can hear you laugh... *_* God no laugh at me~~ *meows*

~~~smiles smiles smiles~~~
I'm so glad to have blessed a few. I pray for those who are skeptical about what you are showing them, I pray Lord for their hearts to open... to understand & let themselves go. To let their guards & skepticism down. To just let You love them. Let them understand & see it is not what they are doing, have done or going to do that is gonna change anything. It is YOU. Your power and love, your measure of love for us, to us is not according to what we have/have not done/do. No, never.

It is You. You. You. The prostitute in the bible... the sick, the broken-hearted, the demon possessed, the ppl who can't see, hear, talk, walk and the DEAD... Did the prostitute quit her prostitution so Jesus can COME NEAR? How will the dead be able to DO ANYTHING since they are dead to deserve a reserrection?? Does the dead have faith??

It doesn't matter what we do, can do or not do - I used to think that I have to become this perfect person... be this way or that way, or to do this and that so that God will love me more, so that God will work in my life, so that God will grant me this or that, so that things will be good again in my life, so that I can be like (whoever that is that I admire be it a leader or - )

I got it all wrong.

It is unto God's glory, delight, pleasure, His love, His big big heart for us that He restored Peter who denied him. After all his passion for Christ...he cut off one of the guards' ear... (imagine you doing that) He's the one who walked on water... the one who is so eager for Jesus...the one whom he from his heart knew Jesus was the Son of God. After all these, he said "I DO NOT KNOW JESUS. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT" and he #$*&#)^%@)_(*#&#**#@! Yes he did.
Yet Jesus looked at him with love after the rooster calls, and loves him still. It is not what we do or not do to deserve God's love. God just loves us.

Paul, who was Saul prosecuted Christians... he was trying to destroy the early church... he dragged off Christian men & women and put them into prison. Imagine someone doing that to your friends and loved ones who are believers. Yet Paul was loved and chosen by God... what did he do before that to deserve being loved & chosen???? Did Matthew the tax collector did something? Did John? Did James? And the rest??
http://www.worldsundayschool.com/handouts/disciples.htm

Have they no sin? I believe they do and have done many like all of us. And if we believe all sin are the same no matter big or small... God's love for you and I are there for us to embrace... if we just let Him in and stop thinking of what we did yesterday, today and last year.

I find Jesus is most powerful when we are most weak. Jesus can show us how much He love us when we just let him... just let him... not when we think we accomplished something. Not when we think we got it... got it right... have everything in place... Mary, let everything go and just hung out with Jesus :) How do you hang out with a friend?

I pray Lord may you open more people's eyes & their hearts... let them not believe in the devil's lies ~ thinking they're not enough or good enough. Break those chains Lord and help them soar freely in your love & let them minister powerfully. It's because of your love, that I can. And the faith in your promises will come so freely.

Father, thank you for showing me thus far... I pray that more and more will come to know of your goodness and your deep, wide and great love that you have for them. May they be consumed & drown in it. Indeed it has been - that you danced over me, you sing all around me for all these years but I never realize until now. Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord.

Lord I pray you bless Ps Nathan Shaw, may he minister to everyone he come in contact with and may you refresh him greatly :) Bless him Lord, may your love & joy fill him Lord~~~ may his cup always overflow~~~ Thank you Lord for speaking through him!

26Aug

2009-08-21T14:25:00.003+08:00

Question:

Lord... why isn't there any female prophet or warrior or your child who gets picked up to heaven.... rapture without death I mean...

Perhaps it happened and it wasn't recorded...esp in our time...? Makes me wonder...why not? Why doesn't the story continue to our generation... recordings of our time... for the people to come... yes people will be judgmental & skeptical... but aren't humans always this way...

Lol....okay got it. Yes they are recorded...life experiences through different Christian literatures... Thanks Holy Spirit!

I wonder...when the last chapter of Revelation said no one is to add or subtract to the Word being said...does John mean just Revelation?

Back to rapture...perhaps there are still rapture cases but just being reported missing in our time... How does the author of Genesis know that Enoch wasn't missing but rapture? Again...how come no woman rapture in the bible... *wonders*

Maybe one day I'll get to know...
hmmms...

21Aug

2009-08-21T02:14:00.013+08:00

~My love song to you~

God thank you so much for showing me & telling me... I feel so melted by you and there are jus 2 songs that came to my mind to sing to you... *deep goodsigh* I dunno how else to describe but you truly make me breathless...

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuA0yo32T0o

Breathing Underwater

There's a light in the dark
Where the sky splits apart
Where the stars find a way
To shine through all the spaces in between
Here we are face to face
All alone in this place
And the night is finally coming down to you and me

Tell me where you've been hiding?
OOooh I want to know
You're my silver lining covered in gold
Tell me what am I feeling?
Well it's hard to explain
Like underwater breathing
Swimming in rain

All I really want to do
Is fall even deeper with you,
And never come up, breathing breathing underwater
Weightless with every little kiss you steal, boy (God :)
You are making me feel,
Like I'm breathing, breathing breathing underwater
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Remembering what you told me on Tuesday is a treasure I hold in my heart. If I get that everyday, Lord... how will I breathe? Your love & compassion is infinite ~ where can I store them Lord? Even the full room of my heart will never be able to contain them... where can I store them Lord? I pray they'll overflow to everyone around me and may they feel your compassion, healing, loving & covering them. Feeling a portion of your heart is changing my innate eyes... souls light up... they are who you love and wants to encompass. Even models on posters reminds a saving needed. A human wick yet to be burned within for you.

Thank you Lord for telling me... I feel speechless & so... indescribable. The song is just perfect... Hard to explain ~ like underwater breathing ~ swimming in rain ~ weightless ~ free ~~~
This is the 3rd time I get to hear and able to choose feeling differently... when I first knew, I felt really bad... can you believe it? That why am I ______ in your eyes... I felt scared and unworthy to be... there was a lot of mixed feelings but mostly not good ones... like... I dunno... a pressure? Perhaps a high expectation from me to perform and do for God's kingdom? I dunno why I felt so undeserved... like no... please dun... I dun want it... and I rejected it... it was terrible... God why did I behave that way?? I dun understand... ... I'm sorry :( I pray I'll get to know this...help me understand HS...

The 2nd time when I heard, it was a comfort... lol...I tink God knew I might bail if He tells me again sooner...for a long time (years~) I didn't get anything from any leaders or pastors~~ it was just a quiet assurance in my heart... it's constantly there... a blanket... a covering... Yes Lord I'll always be your _ _ _ _ and _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ . Thank you Lord Jesus for your everlasting compassion for me & my family... I am grateful grateful grateful. Thank you Lord for reaching out to all of us ~ To my dad since he is a kid. To my mum in a dream. To my brother through a friend. To me since I was 4 or 5. I pray your story for us will instill faith seeds in others that will grow into a big tree prospering & harvesting for you...

Talking about trees... the tree by the playground... gosh... how it has grown! Just few months, I can still touch its leaves and thinking... you dun seem to be growing any taller aren't you... every year since primary school my hair will still be touching your leaves when I walk under... and then suddenly... *poof* I saw you yesterday and you are thrice my height now! God~~~ :) It is you :) You made it grew so strong & tall now... I can see more roughness on its bark. It looks proud & glad to be shooting upwards~~

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I met a woman yesterday and when I heard her story... I felt so stirred in my heart. I can feel God's compassion towards her and I wanted to pray for her and I believe the disease will leave her. When I offered she said "But I know when I go home, it will still be there. Things will still be the same." Lord.... it has been 6 years since the disease plaque her. I believe there are moments of faith and belief... years of waiting with prayers upon prayers on her has discouraged her spirit. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Lord I pray that you will grant her prayers of healing this year. I pray Lord for her heart to give in to you once more. May she dream of her healing. May she see visions of her healing. May she walk in expectancy in her healing once again & the next person to pray for her, shall she be healed. Jesus may u heal her Lord.

Thank you Lord for Noah on Tuesday... note to self: memo word, speak word, speak existence.

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Lord I pray you'll help me decide on which "tribe". Finding another "home" is like... lol... you know what I mean. It's crucial for my life... I wish the other group that I visited is a church but it's not...but it feel so much like a church and a home. Nevertheless, it's awesome. Only thing is...how do I give back...

Last night's visit should be a good thing... but why do I feel unsettled within me Lord... The people I met are great... influential... but yet... I dunno. I dun like that feeling of a stepping stone. Either ways. It is not a club. This is your house. I want to WANT to give and not because. Maybe I'm just feeling the first time uncomfies... sigh. I dunno. I pray things will get clearer.

And weirdly I'm starting to like the most unlikely "tribe"... I have learned a lot from there... about you and how you are... it amazes me. I wish people can go sit & listen before they judge. Seriously. So so many have judged and they cannot be more wrong. Seeing and listening to a piece of puzzle doesn't dictate the whole picture. It will never be painted whole by any describtion until one sees it for themsleves. I pray more people will see. And I will see if I am wrong in any way about this "tribe".

Guide me Lord... I need to know. I pray I will land in the right place. The right home... not fall in love from afar but settle in for the next phase in life. I will fly soon~ Thank you Lord...

p.s: It was nice having someone taking care of my dinner. It wasn't anything biggy and he didn't make me feel like I owe him something or that I haVe to say something for his nice gesture. Feels good :)

p.p.s: Felt a lil' embarrassed being recognized by a boy :p I knew it when he saw me earlier... I can tell he was saying in his head... "MOLLY!!" Lol~~~~

21Aug

2009-08-14T00:12:00.004+08:00

Stacked boxes~~

Messed up room of my ancestor... things that didn't exist 20 years ago... filled the room where I once lay my little heart to sleep... Heavy lids and blurry red sky... that was what I remembered...

But not yesterday.

I know it was difficult... probably close to impossible but... God you know :)
I'm in the southeast aisa... after some answers, Taiwan/China/HK would be best to see them. But. Lord I wanna see them... just one... please... :))) One...one will do...

I dunno if it'll be possible cos I couldn't feel it from my spirit. There're moments that I know within me, yes it will happen and then there are moments where all you can feel is pure expectancy & hope. So I waited...

1230am~ Searching for keys to open the window rails~ contemplating on which room would be best to wait on...
120am~ Decided. Tried to comfortably position myself among all stacked boxes and...many MANY other stuff...
130am~ Soothing wind rushed through~ love the feeling of hair freely dancing...face getting touched...like I'm cruising towards the moon... towards east & the northeast sky... it was cloudy... beautiful... but... "Lord please blow them to the west... *big smile*
150am~ Any time now....
154am~ *Excited* .... just one... one... or more... :p wait, is that a shooting star?? oh. A plane. *hmms*
2am~ This is the reproted time that they will be out... *Searches*
202am~ Anytime now~~ God I know I will see them... I know it's close to impossible but. You are God :) *pleeeeeeasssssse* -Lol-
205am~ Another plane. And another.
210am~ *searches* ... neckache... wind... more clouds...
215am~ I'll understand if I can't see them... :( due to reasons that I do not know or understand...
221am~ long day...I really should be sleeping since I have get up 7ish later... but... I really believed I will see... *sad*
222am~ okays... :''( I guess maybe it's too bright and it's right before me but I don't see them... I'll just imagined that I did... :'''( time to lock up and go to bed... *sad* :(((
223am~ All locked up... "Look up" ... what? "Trust me just look up!" okay...one last time...
223am~ Behind the rain beaten stained glass window... a comet making it's way across the sky... *ahhh!!! scrambles to open the old window*

Slow... huge... beautiful... with traces behind the falling star...
*Awed* Simply in awe...

My first comet...
There is nothing like the first... but something this beautiful... even a millionth and one will never get old.

Thank you for casting it right before me Lord. *Thank you* It's precious & it'll be in my memory always~the impossible possible... thank you for hearing me... thank you for answering my heart... *Hugs*

I will see it again someday. I know it. :)

You are beautiful...

p.s: Thank you for the 2nd one... fast falling comet *232am*
*goodsigh*

2009-08-12T16:05:00.004+08:00

SO SO SO HAPPY last night!!!! :)))

Thank you thank you THANK YOU GOD~~~!!!!! *BIG BIG BIG HUGS* Which I always picture I can only cover your big right toe~~~ Lol~~~ :p

Thank you for last night~! I had the most awesome time & I'm so touched... Thank you for leading me out... Thank you for holding me... thank you for holding my hand.... *smiles smiles smiles*

Thank you.

Thank you for your words for me....

Thank you for speaking to me....

Thank you for talking to me...

Thank you for the people I got to know...

Thank you for the trigger and reminder of Tuesday group again :)

Thank you for bringing me there.... Thank you for this awesome present ~ I love it! Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you for the millionth time! *goodsigh* I can't stop smiling and~~~ it's like overflowing water :))) Lol~~~ my cheeks are getting tired~~~

I'm so grateful God. I will and must north myself to you... yes & amen. I want to hold your hand forever. I want to be where you are forever. I want to love you forever. I want to dance with you from burning star to burning star and even on the sun till we cover the whole universe :) Please bring me to explore it when I see you Lord~~~ or perhaps a small part of it when I dream? :p I miss you... I miss hearing you...

Thank you for coming to me Lord through ...oh gosh...I forgot the brother's name... mmm... Francis?? Bless him Lord~~ Thank you for finding me... **Thank you**

Thank you for hearing me God....THANK YOU. *Grateful* Thank you for hearing my frustrations and cries... my weaknesses, my struggles, my anger, my tiredness... my heart. Thank you for loving me. Yes, amen -I will be as you said I will be. As you have spoken, so be it done. Be it unto me according to your words. You are and so I can be. Blossom. Yes Lord, amen and thank you. Direct my steps Lord & guide my paths... and most of all... my heart & mind. Thank you Jesus... *Hugs* Hold my hand forever Lord. Forever.

I will believe in what is to come... I dunno where I will end up, I dunno where I will be going, how will I get there but Lord wherever that you want me to give~~ I will go. Help me see and let me get there Lord~~

Thank you for Tuesday group~~ it's been a long time... too long.... bless them all Lord... bless them all~~ may your good will be done unto all of them.

I wish my introvert can switch sometimes... I so wanted to get close and ask Bob Fitts something...learn from him and perhaps discover something... but I dunno what to ask and how! But I thank you Lord for him...his life and how you brought him from glory to glory~~ from garage to recording studio to continents and countries to glorify your name. You have a destiny for all of us and you will bring us there. Lord let me follow you close. Help me.

I pray for the people around me... may you bless them, inspire them, give them strength & encouragement, surprises & joy as you have showered upon me. Rain on them Father... let it rain~~ May they enter into a deeper relationship with you and put nothing but You on the alter of our hearts.

Into your hands & your heart...
*Hugs*
I love you.
Protect me Lord.

2009-08-11T01:06:00.005+08:00

Hi God,

Thanks for the wonderful movie... I loved it. *smiles* 3D is great...though not glasses friendly... Adventure. Everybody needs one~ Have our adventure started Lord? I guess I'm in it but I haven't realize... you and me and the world. I believe a bigger picture will come. I believe it will happen. Despite. I feel sad... I wish I wasn't... but I feel beaten... Lord I pray those voices be buried in the name of Jesus. Help me through this valley of sadness Lord. Help me not look to the now...not look to things and people around... Help me to see exactly what is going on. I need you Lord...

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Thanks for teaching me thus far.. I pray I will know how to overcome totally. It is a process I know... I dunno how did I get here... how Lord? What happened in the past that I'm here right now... does it matter that I know?

I think I do know... as in, in my childhood... I know I was silenced... at home and in school. I wondered why I reacted the way I do... I guess it is a survival instinct? Or a coping instinct... I think so... but whatever it is, I got through it with many good memories despite the "status" I was in. It's kinda like the story of the dog who can get to eat the marvelous crumbs on the floor. I know you didn't make me a dog...I'm not suppose to be but I've become one out of fear. In many situations, it has become an auto-mechanism...programmed within me for protection.

After discovering on the pages of Meyer, this "programme" will come against me... I'm still trying to understand how you work God... that I alone cannot make anything happen...only with you. You allow things to happen...not me. I can only prepare for it. Opportunities come from you and how I prepare to "seal the deal", my discipline, what I have sowed in what you have given and etc will make the difference. Many times, my thoughts would be - I have to be a "good girl" so I will be rewarded. Which is back to the dog programme. Where would your grace go...where would your sacrifice at the cross go...your favor and blessings to whoever/whenever as-you-please go if I am feel/think that way...? It has become a I-have-to-work-for-it or become (______) so ____________ will happen... instead of seeing and looking to you. Or looking to you and then trying so so hard... Where is my trust and peace... there is just a lot of I-am-not-doing-enough...or well-enough...or good-enough for you to bless me... and then condemnation. That is not from you. Lord I pray you'll help me know...truly know...I want to please you because I want to. Because I love you.

And let the rest be your business, not mine. And let things fall into places... and on the flip side... not to take grace for granted... it is not that whatever I do doesn't matter at all cos I know you will discipline me when I do wrong... you dun want me to get hurt, you want the best for me and not walk the ways of those under my feet.

Help me to know your heart Lord... I wish I'm at where David is...was... when he walked here thousands ago. How was it like... It's so awesome to have a prophet able to communicate what you say... ... makes me wonder... wouldn't Nathan be closer to you Lord? Since he can hear from you directly... What would Nathan's story be... what kind of man was he to you Lord? What makes David a man after your heart Lord? Is it worship? Entering into your presence and his respect for authority? (Authority...I think that is another lesson I have yet to learn and soon... I know...)

I know I have to face whatever it is right on... withstanding approval or none.And looking so much into pleasing people and not wanting to step into the land mine of possibly displeasing someone is no way to live. I am glad that what I couldn't do a year back has been done and many light bulbs have gone off and I have learned many things Lord... thoughts that don't make sense have been re-wired... "slavery" of any kind put one in danger. Thank you Lord for that wall I've hit. For that ultimate wake up "bonng~"... if not, I will still be a fatal casualty to molestation, bullying and opinions.

Everyone has their tough times and lessons... I guess this is mine.For people who think "others always have it better"... that "they dun struggle at all/like I do"... That couldn't be more wrong. Everyone has it, they just dun tell it... (you dun tell too do you...) and this will cause a lot of hidden pain... a hidden state of... and a suicide case which I've come to witness...a sister many years ago... no one has a perfect life. It is impossible.

I wish I know better, someone to talk to who have gone through the same thing. We all need someone... fellowship... we can't sail a ship alone. We all need someone to weather the storm... one who know better... and we'll learn the ropes...without the burns. To protect... to teach...when we're on the next ship to the next journey. And I know you'll be there God... I pray I'll not sail solo for long... I have come to know... I know past holes that I've gotten into when I open up has made me wear layers and layers of space suit... hoping to defy gravity... sigh. I hope I'll overcome that... Help me see where to go and who Lord. And may my past be diminished. Meyer is right....hurts are inevitable... like the dirt that comes with the air... I can't just stop breathing.

I'm praying... Lord help me through... help me understand and guide me on where to go. I pray I'll feel your wind and know it. I believe all these all boils down to me. My thoughts of all these. I have to overcome me...and my thinking. My thoughts. It is the renewal of the mind that made the impossible, possible. Lord, what made Caleb & Joshua see? What made Abraham trust you that much... I wonder what scriptures have they hidden in their hearts... what have they been meditating on. Joshua was the person you told... to not fear... and to meditate... but before he led Israel, what did he meditate on Lord? I wondered... If only I can just talk to all of you one by one :) All you awesome children of God. And the woman warrior-prophetess Deborah... how was she like to you Lord?

May my mind see as you see Lord. Grace me with your power & strength...
Thank you Jesus~ *Hugs*

2009-07-28T03:08:00.017+08:00

Talents & Mindset

It is not who you are with but what you decides to do.
Yes, one can be with Jesus but yet becomes a betrayer... one can be with a King but yet do not understand what is going on.

It is the heart.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength. - (We've heard this for the one millionth time...) But it is the heart where you will be the confidant of Jesus like John... or the one who gets cared by the Lord even after the denial...3 times. One betrayal, thrice denial. If one who is calculative... we know who won the contest of being the sinner. But what made the difference... the heart.

Where our heart lies, that is where it will take its sources. What is your heart taking lately? Is there peace?

The one who holds the fire stirs... fire burns. It burns and gives life, gives light, gives warmth, gives out, gives sense, gives direction... it holds peace, holds truth. (Our very own guider/counselor; the Holy Spirit does that~ giving u directions/hints/convictions~~)

I know what Jeremiah was talking about when he says the heart is deceitful above all things. He was known as the broken-hearted prophet... for those who have gone through a broken heart, you will know what it is like to be deceived by the heart, its pain and its wants... all it wanted was not to feel painful again, to be happy again... what happens when the thing/person that makes your heart "happy" (very likely only for a short moment before the vicious cycle of unhappiness comes back again), is the exact thing that is killing you??

*There will be no peace in your heart*

There will be a CONSTANT battle between your head and you heart. It hurts. It is not peaceful and it is certainly not restful. God does not want us to live this way definitely.

So question is, what does it mean to follow your heart??? What does it mean when your heart yearns for more than where you are right now??

*Pain aside, depression aside, heart-ache aside* Throw, swing and flick them off.

As your heart loves the Lord, (putting down the past, the pain, the happenings then or even the now) where lies your heart... in the arms of God... that is where you will find peace. You will find the fire fanning you towards His calling.

Where lies the heart in money, guilt and death be found.
Where lies the heart in human cares & love, disappointments and hurt be found.
Where lies the heart in self, fears & insecurities be found.

My heart had lied in some of these places before... and I know what I found... I wish I can say my heart always lies in the green pastures... but sometimes, perhaps many times, it has lied on soil that is dry and without or filled with thorns and robbing birds stealing away my joy and His calling.

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You are called... we are all called and provided with talents.

A calling which requires faith... it will require free falling... it will require fears to step aside. Not by my own do, it's by His engulfing, burning, passionate love consuming within you... yes you will feel it as you step closer to Him. And what is faith without love? Everything without Him, is dead. Even if I have faith and achieved the BEST things in life...became the world's best actress/leader/evangelist... but without love... without God... I am nothing. Just a dust who knows how to perform... and for what?

Wherever you are, have a moment...

~Story-time~

3 servants... all 3 are with the same master...
One sowed with faith and had reaped a great deal.
And the next one...

Matt 25:22-23

"The one with the two talents also came and said, ‘Sir, you entrusted two talents to me. See, I have gained two more."
"Well done, good and faithful slave! ....Enter into the joy of your master."

The next one....

Matt 25:25

"...so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground."

In the journey of your life, which path would require more faith and the love "sacrifice" at the alter of your heart? (this does NOT mean going against what is knocking/burning within your heart. Read 2 Chron 31:5-10. What is given sacrificially, is given with cheer! Your heart will cheer you on TO GIVE!! Not a forced cheer after giving!!! It is NOT out of forced pretense.)

Where your heart lies... it will cheer you to give/invest/sow in that direction.

Which that you choose, will require more faith to drive this journey with rest/peace in your heart? What brush will the heart be holding to paint the biggest portrait of life? A big one... or a tiny one... with a lifespan of 100 minus ___.

When your heart is at rest with God, it will not deceive you. It will guide you. The Holy Spirit is burning within for a readiness to soar. Fly your message from God for the whole world to see.

Everyone is given one or even a few talents...
Love : self-less / Fear : selfish
Throw those heavy luggage (pain, hurts, disappointments, past, present)... yes throw. Walking forward with head looking back will crash/halt to a wall. The answer is always ahead... one will find all the why-did-that-happen ahead. Never behind... burnt out time & ashes cannot give reasons... Your story, like a royal carpet..can only unfold as you walk ahead...

Joyce Myers' teachings - (In my own words as how I remember) Jesus didn't say give me your cares for I care for you. He said CAST. How do you CAST a fishing rod? You throw it forward, far far away into the ocean. It something that requires more than just passing it to him. THROW IT. Perhaps it requires you to THROW it constantly and SO SO FAR that those burdens will be lost in the deep sea of God's love and care.

As you enter into God's love and cares, you lay your heart with His... your heart will burn with faith to walk that line to sow... and God's joy will find you.

3 Talents, 2 Disciples, 1 Maker
It is not who you're with. It is what you decides to do.

Where art thou heart lies?

Do read this awesome article as well :)

- http://www.cbn.com/spirituallife/BibleStudyAndTheology/Discipleship/vonBuseck_SevenKeys_Desire.aspx

2009-07-10T01:38:00.034+08:00

A few thoughts~~ (Gotta be patient to read this~~)

Argh.. still feeling angry at people who needs new perspective and glasses to see about their rudeness and attitudes towards other people. And the "other people" is Me. Are they that blind?? I dunno to laugh at them or cry. Walking towards me like they wanna go through my body as if I'm a ghost... and so many other things... I am seriously puzzled. Have they become so busy and self contained that they do not know how to function as a basic human being?

Why do I feel like the society has become "anything goes" ....
Men's wisdom has indeed become foolishness. Anything that can argue its way to change... argue and make sense its way to the mind... renewed by the best of human wisdom...and touching the heart...

Who/what is pulling my heart strings in a strong way...will very well be pulling my head and senses along with it.

Note: Strong way.

For many Christians, *I hope it's many*, will still have their head intact... and not be easily swayed by winning arguments. HS will be there to stir and redirect...lol...kinda like an anti-virus... that's if we do enough "live updates"... so many issues... but only the HS will tell and guide us towards that peace. Yes... peace.

During simpler days, simpler times, everyone crucified Jesus... they have their arguments and wise counsels... people who followed our Lord and made a different stand were seen as strange... perhaps we are facing the same.... or soon enough becoming an outcast~

I pray that our close relationships to the lost hearts will appeal to their senses...the human touch... which Jesus did when He walked on earth. I pray that generations of now and to come, will still get the human touch and spiritual senses... and not be numbed out or washed by the unreal reality TV. Sorry to break the news but they are ALL FAKE. And all the trade off for one who follow the stars' culture...disappointments and regrets. Life cannot duplicate nor imitate another... There will Never be Another YOU... you're an original. One and only... 2 similar lines can be drawn at the same time...same paper...yet different thoughts, intentions, motives, heart, physics, chemistry, atmosphere, density, intensity....and the list goes on.... there will never be another you. Who are you and why are you here?

The human touch is slowly disappearing.... disappearing behind work, projects, insensitivity, the lifestyle, the race, the money, prestige...and you can add on more to the list. The mentioned (except insensitivity) are fine if you do not leave your loved ones behind and what you are doing is for a bigger picture towards salvation for many. Because selfish ambition will lead to a rise & fall (the "kingdom & it's splendor" issue), fear & pride (the trust issue), love-less sad life (the hungry issue)....

The Trust Issue

The devil knew the human nature and its wants... tricked Eve at the garden and she wanted the apple more... I wondered if she did a "live update" with HS that time... didn't she walk side by side with God? But still, humans are humans...we are not God. If not, we won't need God... we have flaws.

The devil knew what cards to play to trick the Eve. How? Men and women are built differently. I read an article that men wish their mates would trust them more. But it's not women's fault when she doesn't trust. That is her defence and God-given instinct to protect herself and her young ones (if any). So if there is anything said by a man or whoever, that does not match with their actions, the women will not give their trust towards that person. Which is why many times, you gotta earn your trust from a woman, not asking or demanding for it. That won't work. That is their defense to protect themselves. Men on the other hand, God made them physically stronger, to fight and protect when they're met with danger, they can take out the enemy, which Adam probably would do if that 4 legged snake approached him first. They would probably be having some 4-legged snake soup for dinner.

Eve, being a women, has distrust as her defense and Adam had his physical strength as his defense.... so after some time of observation, who would be surprised that the devil picked Eve to use her defense as an offense. Adam will never be able to use his strength to overpower God. That will never happen. So target is left with one...

Familiarity breeds contempt...(I remember Ravi Zach said that in one of his christian conference I attended many years back...) Has Eve's familiarity with God made her think that it's ok and God will let it pass if having this apple was a mistake? Since she has walked so close with God... why would she trust this stranger more? Or has the devil been around for awhile? I with sin but made right with Jesus can definitely say that I have my moments... many times in fact, when I didn't trust God, though we walked together... Jesus' disciples had their moments of distrust... but I'm thinking...this temptation was before the fall of men... before the fall... they were suppose to be perfect isn't it?

Nope. They had their weaknesses. If they were perfect, there wouldn't be an Eve. We know Jesus said, when we go heaven, nobody is anybody's wife/husband, father/mother. There is no need for that there... we are the Lord's and need no status nor anyone anymore... we will no longer be human beings who physically becomes weaker and more like dust.

So, back to familiarity breeds contempt...perhaps Adam's weaknesses has rose Eve's distrust... and from there, like how many of us see God through another human being.... has rose her distrust in God..... perhaps so...

And what gotten us saved? Where did it begin?
It all began with Abraham. His TRUST in God...to the point of almost killing his son. Abraham, a man, (kudos to men who would struggle less with trust) walked closely with God and is a friend of God, trusted Him and God made him righteous. It was his trust that began the promise of generations numerous as the stars... and where many great heroes/heroines rose... and also the line where Jesus came from.

So where am I going with this? All descendants of Eve, do not despise your defense of distrust as many of this generation has shut off their feelings and just gave themselves blindly for the sake of "love"... the fake one that is. Distrust is there to protect you. It is there to defend you. Use it wisely for defense, not offense... Defend, for the enemy roams around like a lion and many people can come into your life as wolf in sheep skin to steal, kill and destroy your house. Your house is your heart, defend it. May the wise counsel of the Holy Spirit be with you, peace will dwell with you and not chaotic feelings that steals your joy from your Saviour. May the offense of distrust against God be far away from your heart. How does The One who loves you defend you when you have given your house keys to the enemy... With faith (your house keys/your heart/your trust) the possibilities are endless. For who dares to rob your house when The One stands there?? Can God still help when your house keys has been given away? Sure He can....but will you be able to SEE and KNOW God is helping with all those chaos happening in your house/heart? Will your trust be restored? Tough when it's a vicious cycle of - keys still with the enemy - saw a bit of hope from God - unsure if it's God becos of all the chaos - and then hope got dashed and stolen by these chaos - then more distrust enters. I have been there...not a strange place to be... but a darn horrible place to be!

How do I put my trust in God?

Give thanks. (1 Thess 5:18)

"Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." A will. Sounds important. Yes it is. And testimony of salvation... if and when you have a blessing or something worth thanksgiving... share it. You are saving a life when you do.

Revelation 12

⁹The great dragon was hurled down—that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him. ¹⁰Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
"Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God,
and the authority of his Christ.
For the accuser of our brothers,
who accuses them before our God day and night,
has been hurled down.
¹¹They overcame him
by the blood of the Lamb
and by the word of their testimony;
they did not love their lives so much
as to shrink from death.

Testify people~! Tell the discouraged around when you are blessed. Tell the downcast hearts out there (be it you can tell or not cos u'll never know) when you received something...even a little... pass the flame on~ You'll never know what God's faithfulness and your faithfulness brings to the barn. Don't leave the bag of reaped goods out there, bring it in and share. It will multiply becos of your faithfulness. 5 loaves and 2 fishes, u'll never know how many God will feed through you~~

You are the living proof of God, the modern walking disciples with the promised Holy Spirit. Trust me, He talks to you... cos He is talking to me right now. You think this whole thing is written by me? No way... I had so many questions while I was writing this! I typed them out and He answered them. It's not me definitely and I'm glad to say it's not. I still have so so much to learn... SO MUCH.

I started with just talking about the generations who are robbed with less and less human touch. Less and less human understanding. With reality TV, everyone wants to become famous and live the life... The devil used Eve's strength as her weakness against them during the first generations....and when Jesus came, he thought he could do the same... use humanity's weaknesses against Jesus.

The Hungry Issue

He knew Jesus was hungry (Esau sold his birthright to Jacob...what a weakness, perhaps Jesus would do the same??), devil tried to use that against Him - it failed. Then he tried the old method... the "Eve's method"... asking Jesus to throw himself down to test God. Jesus trusted God, so that failed too.

The Kingdom and its splendor issue

Then he used the last resort... the one that perhaps is tempting many now... the devil showed Jesus the kingdoms of the WORLD and their splendor... well basically fame and fortune and everything else that comes along with it... on the condition of bowing down to Satan. I'm glad to say that Jesus asked Satan to leave so that failed too.

I wonder why having all that kingdom and splendor = to bowing down to Satan. Too busy enjoying it's benefits? This has led many Christians to think that they should be poor. I think HS wants me to sleep soon so I shall ask him this question again next time...

So...what are you hungry for in life? That would become your birthright. Be it good or bad.

Who do you entrust you "house" keys to?

Lastly... are you still human? Lol...
This world is just a temp... those kingdoms and splendor will come and go... as the richest and wisest men would put it... it's a chasing after the wind...

becos~~

The Message Bible (Ecc 2:24-26)

"Whether we feast or fast, it's up to God. God may give wisdom and knowledge and joy to his favorites, but sinners are assigned a life of hard labor, and end up turning their wages over to God's favorites."

We are God's favorites, He will decide if we feast or fast~~~

So what if we win the whole world...but lose our soul......
Which is why... are we still human.... or slowly becoming numbed with work and numbed from the neighbour whom we are to love....one of the most important commandment given to us...

Thank You Lord for sharing this...
May you bless those who are reading...

2009-06-21T00:28:00.003+08:00

Hi Father,

Happy Father's Day :)

You are the greatest Father I will ever have and get. Nobody and nothing in this whole entire universe and beyond can compare with you. Thank you for your love for me. I'm sorry I have not been a good daughter in many ways and I have not expand your kingdom to the fullest. Help me to get there Lord. Nothing else matters more than your people. Nothing. I dunno what else to do and I pray you will give me directions to be a blessing and impact for people around who needs you.

Thank you for inspiring my dad and helping him see the bigger picture. Many times I am missing this aspect - the bigger picture. Lord, help me to see again. Reveal to me Lord, how can I help to expand your kingdom more.

I know you beat the drums of my heart and may it always be that way. I see so many things and wish to give Lord. How do I do it? Where do you want me to go? Please take my hand and lead me Father. May my heart's content be in you and nothing/nobody else. Lord give me faith. I have been dropping in that area ... I pray you'll put faith in me once again.

Thank you for not letting me go Father... thank you for inspiring me through my dad~~~
You are the best!
I love you.
Help me to impact more people... string my heart and mind to You into an unbreakable knot.
Bring me to where you want me to be.
Amen.

Love & hugs,

Me.

2009-06-21T00:24:00.000+08:00

This is toooo cute !!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFqIJ34wpIg

:D

2009-06-19T02:49:00.005+08:00

Tomorrow

My parents will be back... the days of being by myself in late nights without a nag will be halting for awhile till further notice.

I'm glad they really enjoyed the trip. I wish I enjoyed home solitude as much as they did their trip. Guess I'm afraid to love and get used to it...cos soon it'll end...and then.

Lord you know how my heart still breaks and cries every now and then. You know how I struggle with many things untold...things that only you know. Things that sometimes I hide from you too... but who am I kidding... you of all human beings will know me. Yes the honest thing is, I'm still very much hurting. In a weird way. Hurting in a nonchalant way. Waiting for answers and waiting for the break to mend and the hurt to heal. I dunno what to do Lord.

I'm back to one.

As I saw Jenny sat on that swing in the quiet night with the snow falling around her, flashbacks came like camera snapping...rolling... unrolling...

Like E. I wondered what I did wrong. Analyzing, detaching. Analyzing, avoiding.

And conclusion came after much clearance.

Love indeed is patient. Love is kind.
When the chase race has received it's price, like cheers gone cold as everyone starts dismissing back home... vanish. No matter how one is to run down and work on that track, there will be nothing but emptiness. A kind of trying that will find no audience... what one seek, it will never find... except knowing how hard and painful it is to walk through the whole place alone. Searching. And all one can find will be recollections of how it was. The cheers, the most amazing "love" showered upon the athlete.

A loving touch on the hands, a stroke of the hair, to give your all to an empty stadium... an athlete cannot have a relationship with the audience. For what they seek, is perhaps as simple as the game, fast, exciting, makes you forget whatever that you need forgetting... And at the end of the day, who and what they go back to, is still gonna matter more than a fiction.

A hope for difference has crushed me for I fell in love with the audience who will care more for the old scab on their knee than an impairing injury for the athlete.

Love is patient, something to be discovered... something that waits on you, grows on you....and not a fast track.

God, you are patience. You are love.

Love is kind.
It does not push you to be someone else or make you feel small... or picking on one's reactions...

A love from a lover... does not duplicates and become a parent... no...

It does not envy... it does not boast...

Help me to find my way out of this empty stadium and back to your team Lord.
I need your compass.
I need saving.

2009-06-11T03:10:00.011+08:00

Happy

For my parents who have gone on an adventure... hehe I know my dad is so keen on going and like how God made men - wild at heart~~~ to explore and venture... discover and conquer unknown places ... but this time, it has more to it than just a location. It's to the heart of Jesus... where he lived, walked and died for us all - Jeruselum.

I can see the sparkle in their eyes... excitement and anticipation. Wonders and waiting to be awed. Lord I pray you bless them abundantly~~overflowing~~ and may their hearts meet yours. I wish I could go... see where you have walked thousand of years ago for me... who is here now... writing this about you... Thank you Lord for thinking about me and creating me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for teaching me.... I am still learning and loving...

As I walk through T1 - T3, I see my life journey of joy - sadness. A place where I stayed overnight several times for several reasons. The place where I did my "camp out" with a bunch of friends in my teens. A place where I slog it out with Fen & Xia for all kinds of exams just to stay awake. A place where hands are first held. A strange numb goodbye. A good, exciting farewell towards a personal adventure. An anticipation met with disaster and anger. A good meal with my parents at the Thai restaurant. My dad smiled. A place where I ran forever and the world seems too big for me to comprehend.... still is. Just that now Singapore got smaller as I got bigger.

I wondered when will my next adventure be? I'm not sure if I'm ready for the next adventure. I feel like I'm still searching for me and a place where I am suppose to be. Trying to get work done has numb me out and nothing interest me as much as before. I feel like I'm drifting on a piece of plank out in the open seas. Unclear destination freezes navigation... trying to get somewhere but the currents seems to take over. I do feel a lil' lost. I'm wondering if acting is still my passion? Have I given myself enough chance & opportunity to say "Ok move on to the next category..." I seriously regret not doing my writing course last year when I was in US. I regret not moving out to explore everything and pursue to see how I fair in writing and what I can learn.

*Always follow my instinct and heart. Stop pleasing people.*

I recently learned something precious through my ex coach's picture.

May I always be in the outer and middle rim in life. Recently, it has just been too much for me to bear. I feel easily triggered, angry, resentful and tired. And Lord I tried and still trying. I pray you teach me how to give up the battle and let them be yours as I forgive 70 times 7 times everyday. I need you. Not any one else. And I need to get me into a group.

May my anger and resentment against me and the past pass me by like a passover. May you bind my anger, resentment and possibly bitterness and throw them into the fire and burn. I surrender and forgive. Forgive those who have hurt me and wrong me. I must accept that I cannot change any situation and person. Only to improve myself with God through it. And I will do better next time. I deserve better. No fear and pleasing. NO. I will be better. Mend & restore to a better me Lord.

What's in store for me Lord? Please stir my heart again... I'm sorry I have been far...
I miss you. Let's go for a walk.

Thank you for my best friend's acceptance and open door towards her dream. May you use her mightily and strengthen her faith. Let her heart and passion burn strongly and brightly for you. May she be closer and closer to you... same for me. May we burn for you solely and the rest, secondary.

Help me Lord...

Love,

Your longing daughter

'There is a longing, only you can fill... "

2009-06-08T20:36:00.005+08:00

The first song that touched me at His house.

My God Reigns
- Matt Hooper & Jock James (Abundant Life Church)

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nECLnxldVXo)

I have a hope so sure
An anchor for my soul
My peace in the worst of times
I trust in God alone

Let every voice declare it now

My God reigns
His love will never fail me
My God reigns – He’s ruling over all
In all my Life
In every situation I know
My God is greater
My God is over all

By faith I have believed
And on this truth I stand
No power in life or death
Can take me from His hand

Let every voice declare it now

My God reigns
His love will never fail me
My God reigns – He’s ruling over all
In all my Life
In every situation I know
My God is greater

My God is greater, my God is greater
My God is greater, my God is greater
(My God is greater, my God is over all)

Above all sickness, above all fear
Above every heartache here
In earth and heav’n – My God reigns!
Above all power, above all thrones
The greatest love I’ve ever known
Today, forever, my God reigns!

Psalm 62
"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, he is my fortress and I will never be shaken"

2009-06-01T00:50:00.002+08:00

For the orange moon...

For sustaining the old bag... witnessing the new... Thanks for the inspiration.

For the story of little beth... waiting by the grave.

For reminding me the journey ahead...

For not giving me up....

For showing me my wounds....

For being patient with me...

For your everlasting love...

For the opportunity to worship...

For the release...

For the provision...

For the visions & prayers...

For the brush of fellowship...

For wisdom...

For strength...

For me.

Thank you Lord...

2009-05-29T10:35:00.001+08:00

Learnings & wonders....

Gosh I have so much to say about today & yesterday and it's like an up and down roller coaster ride.... lol~~~ I have learned much and still gladly learning. I need more strength and I need more faith Lord. Please help me go through this tough period. I want to soar again....

I shall put in details more prob tomorrow or so but for now~~~

Love this song to bits~! :)

Heard it on the radio & roy+shuz wedding and it's just awesome~~~
Love it love it love it~~~
The vid's funny~~~ lol~~~ this band sings studio betta than live sadly~~~
Oh well~~ enjoy this version ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvPE60mMYF8&feature=related

2009-05-22T22:57:00.003+08:00

I'm Already There

Choice 1:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNSFceUYQGA

Choice 2:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldZFGrBOCyM&NR=1

He called her on the road
From a lonely cold hotel room
Just to hear her say I love you one more time
And when he heard the sound
Of the kids laughing in the background
He had to wipe away a tear from his eye
A little voice came on the phone
Said "Daddy when you coming home"
He said the first thing that came to his mind

Chorus
I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
I'm your imaginary friend
And I know I'm in your prayers
Oh I'm already there

Verse 2
She got back on the phone
Said I really miss ya darling
Don't worry about the kids they'll be alright
Wish I was in your arms
Lying right bare beside you
But I know that I'll be in your dreams tonight
And I'll gently kiss your lips
Touch you with my fingertips
So turn out the light and close your eyes

Chorus
I'm already there
Don't make a sound
I'm the beat in your heart
I'm the moonlight shining down
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there 'till the end
Can you feel the love that we share
Oh I'm already there

Bridge
We may be a thousand miles apart
But I'll be with you wherever you are

Chorus
I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there 'till the end
Can you feel the love that we share
Oh I'm already there
I'm already there

2009-05-20T03:56:00.002+08:00

Love letter for my Savior

Thank you Lord for today :) I really enjoyed the day and I have learned much from books, auditions and my friends!

Thank you for showing me around the city..all the funny stuff, beautiful clouds and the lovely songs :) Thank you for providing for me. I can never live without you, your guidance and your love for me. I can only be the best to what I know and let you handle all my weaknesses and my sins. I am no super sheep and will never be super sheep. I'm only a silly sheep who is pretty often hoping around the edge, not knowing the danger. Thank for catching me, for hooking my legs, neck, body back with your big big rod.... :) You're awesome. Thank you for living in me and showing me my weaknesses.... my fears... I know you will shine through this cracked pot and I am gladly cracked for your glory. For your loveliness and for your mighty miracles in my life.

Thank you for surprising me this year and helping me up towards another step. Help me see more and understand more and stand up more Lord. I am learning. Help me be wise and do wise, not just know wise. Thank you for creating me. Thank you for setting a light in me. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for dying on the cross for me. It will never be enough and all I can do is to discover you more and love you.

Lord you know my heart and what cries it has... what needs... what vision... what fulfillment... as the song rings "nothing compares, nothing compares to you..." I pray you'll help me. On all these levels of needs and draw towards you...understanding and the power of you. Lord shine in me, through to everyone around me.

Thank you Lord... You are awesome and beautiful and strong and mighty beyond words.

*Hugs*
I love you.

2009-05-08T01:20:00.008+08:00

On recent events~

Lord I dunno... I feel uncomfortable... very uncomfortable and unsettled. I dunno where I stand cos I want to know the truth before I make my stand.

Yes I will love and respect them.... but on their choices to love the same sex... Lord my fear of you and what you have said in the bible overcomes. Yes everyone has the right or I shall put it as - have the CHOICE to love, to choose. To make that choice.

The recent saga of aware ( which I seriously am sick and tired of it actually) has been flooding my FB cos of the industry I'm in - Arts. We as artist have the tendency or the DNA in us to fight for the rights of minority and give voice / stand up for people who are oppressed... sometimes I do wonder if it's just for the sake of. But I can't judge cos we wear different shoes and are from different walks of life. We're all influenced by nature, people, our origins. Our thought patterns, if compared to another culture perhaps far from our world, reality and culture... the kind of influence they have growing up in their family, clique, village, circle... that is so tremendously different from ours... shall we impose upon them to be like us? So are we to prosecute and change everyone's opinions and perceptions just cos they're different from ours?

I guess what I'm saying is... if one/many can't accept other people's choices cos they don't agree with it... don't push other people to cross over just cos. Liberal or not. And whatever the reason is.

I feel like 2 things are happening. christians and non-liberals cautioning the public on pro-gay education to students. Liberals pushing for gay rights - to accept them, to let them have the choice to love.

I'm all for - yes love everyone and accept them for who they are and the choice they make...

But my personal line stops at - don't try to influence your choice upon my choice. Pushing your world and thoughts and lines... I know liberals' argument is that the majority are pushing, judging and seeing them as wrong.... but if everyone does the same thing back and forth, it'll just cause more rift isn't it. People and relationships will become more divided... extremes of hatrate may happen cos of all the pushing, stepping, shoving....

Both sides screams acceptance... yes both sides. Not just the gays. BOTH sides.

I would rather fight on the 3rd side. Fighting for love & acceptance. Not divisions.

Sidetrack -
On public education -

I would want my children to know the differences in sexuality. Inform and educate them. To love and accept everyone. Race, culture, sexuality. And from where I am, a believer of God, I cannot deny myself, who I am, who I belong to... and what I have learn... So, with much courage I say this... I cannot approve and agree on same sex relationship. (I suspect many are picking up stones ready to cast them at me) Don't try to change my thinking cos this is my world, my reality and my truth which I hold. You have your truth and I have mine. And if you come against me, what difference are you to the majority out there? Same discrimination. Same suppression. So stop. Let's ALL STOP.

Muz we all do this to each other...? To try and change each other's world and reality?

I know we can be the best of friends and still keep our beliefs, our own reality and respect each other's world. We can still share lives closely and agree to disagree. To listen and not judge. Standing by with love and not differences.

My parents, being a hard-working blue collar, in their world, values and reality, they cannot approve and agree on me being an artist.

I have my share of being an outcast among the majority around me... A feeling I wish upon no one... Just to name some - being disapproved by family members and some friends on my choice of career and past relationships.

Yes, one can say it's a choice thing... Why can't you just choose other jobs? It's not like you can't... For the sake of money, for the sake of...(majority?)

I believe we all have our own experience of disapproval, little/no acceptance or discrimination from people or strangers in our world... in whatever form, it is what it is. It is there.

One thing I must say, despite being an artist, my parents love and accept me.

We may stand in different dotted lines, yes dotted cos we do have so many other things that are in common. We can cross between those dots and discover. Why wouldn't we focus on that?? We may like the same color, movies, music, taste on things, friendships, compassion... have the same pet, heart broken experiences, childhood experiences, same pet peeves, passion for sports, admiration of each other's creativity, strengths, qualities, character, heart, etc. Yes, we may have so much in common!

Although today I may have to do something following my heart and beliefs, don't kill me over it. Don't kill me just cos we stand on a different ground in some things. We may not agree or be on the same page, but that doesn't mean we gotta push and shove until everyone gets hurt.

Will you still be my friend if I decide to love someone, in your perspective wrong, destructive and terrible for me? Will I still be your friend if you decide to love someone of the same sex? For me, I'd say yes... I want to respect.

And please let's not argue on those words - "choice" & "decide". Cos I know when it comes to loving someone... sometimes, you can't choose. Whether you decide or born being gay (whatever the theory is), that is not what this is all about.

In my world, I'm taught not to judge, lest I'd be judge... there's only one who can do that and that is God... to be done in the last day. I pray and hope christians, liberals, non-liberals will accept everyone. Yes, not cos you agree with everything on where they stand, but you see MORE to them than just their sexuality, their beliefs and etc... I know we all want acceptance. We want people to see us more than just the clothes we wear, more than the friends we hang out with, more than our jobs, our education, more than our past, more than our beliefs, more than our sexuality, more than just ONE side of us.

We all have friends who are gays and comon... gays or not, we are all human. See not the difference! We all bleed, all go through the floods of good and bad days/emotions... There are only humans... Humans who are our good friends, shoulder to cry on, laughs to share with, hugs, love, grieve...etc. We all have a heart.

So Stop pushin. Stop discriminatin. Let's not laugh at each other or make jokes of each other as if it doesn't hurt... we end up cutting our own hearts and our hearts for the world.

I stand not at the side of my individuality and beliefs. But becos of that, I stand at the side of love and acceptance. Like my parents.

What is yours and where do you stand?

*Without love, nothing will turn. Wars and protests for change? ~ Detest and woes follows.*

2009-05-04T02:55:00.003+08:00

Today.

He pulled me out of scandalore, hugged me and set me free above to the road towards the hill. Or mountain... I had a white horse waiting for me to tame, to saddle on...

Now I need to tame it and put my saddle in force... I will conquer you mountain!
I speak to the sycamore tree to be uprooted and be thrown into the sea!

I thank you Lord for your words. Thank you for rescuing me. Thank you.
Thank you for letting me know...
Faith - Forgiveness - Same size - Leprous story... the one and only who came back to thank you... and was set free... and many ppl whom Ps Stephan knows has huge amounts/size in the 2 Fs.

My guess: not that it doesn't hurt or matter.... but what lies ahead in the story and journey written is waiting for me to fulfill... I can't move if what has past matters more now... the future will not happen.

I will ride that horse towards what you have for me Lord.

Thank you.

Please give me strength and wisdom... teach me wif your knowledge Lord... I need you.

Love,
Your daughter

2009-05-03T00:19:00.007+08:00

Watched a shot scene

And that reminded me.

The first snow...winter I saw... where things are yet to be stained. Yet to be. The night....looking a lot like stageplay and I was looking out trying to feel the warmth instead of. Fear, trying, what nots.

Little memento treasures, in the eye of the storm. Sitting there... listening - ticks, watching things fall.... Little tiny surreal creation falling and gathering.... the beauty of the first unstained before white becomes black. Calmness. And then after, it's just the fact of dealing... after adam & eve's first mistake, it was time to deal. The storm, being in the dark, going through and learning new ropes to deal with the new journey.

I can only keep the mementos and close my eyes, forgetting the rest. Rest.

I have been resting and got myself lil burned at the beach ~ am loving that tone of redness.

Lord please give me courage to head towards the rough roads to get to the mountain. I wish I'm not reluctant. I feel like I have a lot to think about and I dunno where to start. What to bring, what to measure. Yes Lord I gotta measure before I build a house. Even if I fail, I will start again doing better.

That is what I've learn....to not give up. I pray Lord help me say the same on other subjects.

Sometimes, many times, all these freq storms just stretches the length of being in a season... like moving on from living in a hut and dealing with it to moving on to live in a cave and dealing with it. And still dealing with it. Many times I can't help but wonder, when will spring/summer come for me... and sadly, I've seen examples of that passed so fast in others...who are way too familiar that the journey got stale. It is sad. That might be worse than wondering. I'm wandering... and perhaps... just perhaps, that might be better. Though I don't feel it now.

A new thought of perhaps I have been sowing in bad soil. Though love was poured, sunshine and all possibility of chances, yet, it refuses to grow. Nothing bud. When will one reap what is sowed. God knows.

I await as I travel on... courage and strength is much needed.
Lord help me. I dun wanna feel sad anymore. I pray I find good soil soon for EVERYTHING in my life. Lead on.

Amen.

2009-04-18T01:53:00.007+08:00

It's so nice to chill out in a far far away place at the hours of my choice~~

Quiet with a few strangers around me as I float on my sea of thoughts and imagine the impossible while listening to the possible and has-done people on the radio. This is awesome.

It has been a long time since I have this quiet time by myself and my thoughts and just think. Think and plan and review my goals. This year I have been doing a lot of that. It seems like I keep being at lost as the course of life steer me in the field of acting. I wanted to set up my company but I am grateful. I tink I need a major revamp or re-look at where I am and how I am going to get to where I am going and why I am going there. Cos eventually when I reach there, I dun wanna ask what next like how I felt that time after the aussie trip - and wished to go right back. I have to soar higher till exceedingly abundantly enough to do the impossible for God. And doing all that along the way. I have so so much to learn.

Recently after a movie wif a fren, I find myself not knowing (no pun intended...and ironically, the movie is call Knowing), forgetting and dunno how to put my thoughts into sharing my faith and making it clear to my fren ~ a non-believer. That is one tricky thing. How do I put it out without sounding crazy and yet simple to understand? She had so much questions. Like why didn't God just destroy the devil and why He allow devil to exist still? Why do we go heaven? Why not heaven here and now? Why just our souls go heaven and not body? Why must there be end-times? Why can't God just destroy the devil and let us go heaven? And we don't have choice isn't it since anything and everything we choose, He knows how it's gonna end... and He's controlling the end and future isn't it... God indeed is in control of everything, but our choice does affect the outcome and I believe God knows whichever choice we choose, He'll know the outcome but...does He really control our future?

Parts of me thinks yes and parts of me thinks no.... gosh. Scriptures says yes I believe. I had so much to explain and I feel like I am trying to explain a whole reservoir which I've learned and accepted for years in a 2 hours talk... it is so hard... and after all the talk, I felt like I've concise the reservoir into a rain drop... which might be too little and that made me feel confused and unsure.... it wasn't an all-sure answer... Lord how do I help her to accept the scripture and believe like I do? I guess it's up to her to believe and I just have to do my best in what I know how... Sorry Lord I so needa write them down and know how to answer people on my faith.

John 13:35
"Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”

On the note of God controlling our future... it makes me ponder... God has chosen us way before time and some He did not choose... does that mean He chose our future too or He just knows it all no matter what we choose? I know I read some where that God will guide our paths and set in our hearts where He would want us to go so my desire is the same as His desire. And thus, follow my heart. I have got to write them down!!! Yes I must continue on in my verses book. And meditate on them. Lord help me do that this few weeks. I need to focus and move.

Where do you want me to go? I would like to set up the company so I can move on in my monetary status and then on towards studying and towards expansion overseas in this path and career. I pray Lord help me to make the right friends and help me to continue on learning.

Now I'm so so happy that you would help me and path out and favor on who you would want me to befriend :) Thank you Lord! I feel so safe and secure and I do not have to try and please the whole world. :) This is awesome. I'm still learning on that and I'm getting good on it. You're awesome with your lessons Lord. Thank you for helping me to learn! I'm grateful for everything that you're giving me and have given me. You're awesome!

I really appreciate those lessons that have come my way. Standing for me and speaking out. Not letting others take me for granted and be true to my feelings and thoughts. I still have things to learn definitely. I will grow in this~!

Lord I pray I can travel alone again this year. I want to be financially stable as well. I want to put up shows and teaching to inspire and help students. I want to direct a good play soon. I want to train one more disciple. I want to inspire and train myself as well. I want to break new grounds in my life... learn more...

I dunno if I wanna go deeper into theatre... I dunno... but I do pray I can land in a good role where I can stretch and freely express and be. Like how I was in Australia. Nothing to lose and everything to gain. Letting go and understanding. It became so easy like the button just went off and I got it. Regardless the role. I love that God. Help me to go there again. Where shall I be this time? I wanted to train myself in writing last yr... this yr... should I do that... or should I go tv? Should I go for a change....

I need to write plays.... write...write...

I think I need to learn dance and improve on my skills. Seriously. I have a lot in me that I have not explore and give. And that is not good. I need to polish this gem and shape it into something that I can give. I gotta put aside a lot of things and not be lazy. I gotta reflect more and FOCUS. I haven't reach the fullest yet.

All in all I gotta ask myself. hat do I want to do and why? It seems like I wanna do a lot of stuff and I gotta settle in one I guess. Is it musical? Stage plays? Film? Writing? Which my dear? I guess I'm still exploring. What is my niche? What do I enjoy?

Did I enjoy when I was the little green frog? ..... not quite... I was tired and scared for the most parts. I haven't really enjoyed it. Which is sad. I gotta re-access myself and my C-factor. It is hiding. The tiger is sleeping like a kitty. Comon, wake up and roar!!! It will...

Lord I dun want this yr to past just like that.... like... just gone... and yet another kinda yr.... no.... pls not that kind.... not the repetitive or haven't achieve and learn anything kinda yr. Nope I dun wanna waste precious time. I need to improve. How Lord...

I shall be clear and draw my map~~~ and put in vitamin Effort.

Being in this place brings back some bad memories too... Lord may you clean up my system and help me to move to a better place. Amen. May my dreams be your dreams and may they all come true. May you give me all that I need~~ Thank you awesome God :)

*hugs & love & kisses*

2009-02-16T20:43:00.004+08:00

Yesssss I have privatized again~~~~ hahahaha~~~~

I like it better~~~~ :p
gosh been lying in bed these few days....nice nice rest for me~~~hahaha~~~~

I saw a post on Shirl's blog and I love it ~~~ so I'm gonna copy and paste!

It's a post by Perry Noble and this is an excerpt :)

"This past Sunday I did a message to Charisse, my soon to be born daughter, during all four services at NewSpring. I am planning on letting her see it in 2019 when she is 12! Here are the seven things I communicated to her:

#2 - Many Boys Are Jerks–Do Not Settle!
Some key points here were…
I had a staff member tell me he would change it to “all boys are jerks…and God happens to redeem a few.” I agree!!!

The problem with many single Christian ladies is the temptation to settle. In a recent survey I saw where 60% of the Christians in America are female…so…many of them feel like that have to take what they can get.

I told Charisse, “Honey–it is the year 2019 right now…and many of the single ladies here are more in love with the idea of being in a relationship and being married MORE than they are in love with Jesus, and so, they settled…and during the past 12 years many of them are now divorced and have experienced some serious pain in their lives…all because they didn’t have high standards.”

The Bible says in Ephesians 3:20 that God is able to so much more than we could ever ask or imagine…so single ladies should set incredibly high standards…and then watch God blow them out of the water.

Lucretia, my wife, said the following question should be asked before entering ANY serious relationship! “Is this the kind of love God meant when He created Adam and Eve, the kind between two people that truly reflects His love for us (the I Corinthians 13 kind), or are you settling for less than God’s immeasurably more than anything you can ask or imagine?”
What should a man be? What am I looking for in a man who will win the heart of my daughter? (Yes, I will make that call…I am her father!)

A Priest - he needs to be in love with Jesus and know God’s Word. I tell single guys all the time that the best thing they can do to prepare themselves for marriage is to read the Bible over and over again…to memorize it…AND to apply it!!! If a guy doesn’t know Scripture–he cannot spiritually lead my daughter, and I will show him the door. I said in one service, “If he isn’t willing to go through the book of Leviticus for you then he isn’t worthy of you!”

A Protector - if a guy EVER puts a lady into a situation where she feels compromised emotionally, physically or spiritually…then he is NOT a godly man, he is actually acting more like satan–seeking to manipulate her to fulfill his own selfish desires. A true man of God protects a woman AND her reputation. It was also here that I said if a boy ever puts her into a situation like I just described…then I will put him into a “situation” that will allow me to begin a prison ministry.

A Provider - I told my little girl, “Don’t bring home some broke boy that I am going to have to support and who wants to live in my basement!” I want my little girl to marry a man who has dreams AND A JOB!!! Single guys–WORK!!! And do not e-mail me telling me that a job isn’t important–that is why you are single, you moron!!! Fall in love with Jesus–treat women like women should be treated in the eyes of God–and WORK to provide for her!!!
I told Charisse that I want great grandkids one day…and that we can’t get racehorses breeding with mules…so marry a godly man!!!"

AMEN AMEN AMEN!
Shall I say more?
;)

2009-02-05T00:08:00.003+08:00

I am human and I don't have to be happy every single ticking time.

Lord there're so many things in my heart...so many things to do... I wish I have it to book a quiet place...rest and indulge in the work you have set out for me to do this year. Gosh..... I'm really grateful, really really really for all your visions and ideas Father. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm feeling just a little overwhelm and also excited. I know I need financial blessings but at the same time, I need time.... to prepare for that financial blessing. How Lord... Thank you for setting everything out before me Lord. Thank you for your light and footsteps that I can follow in the safe path.... that might be or will be faith filled but rewarding.

*Htu* I love leaning on you Lord... Take me away from the noises of earth... and spend a thousand days in your presence smiling, KH and walking to your favourite places... I know they will be mine :) I love you Lord. Help me not to be astray.... I need you.

*Kisses*

Lord if miracles happen, may it be unto your will... but if it doesn't, may it rest in the graves. May the miracles for me, for Susi, for Cass, EveC, gd-dad & gd-bro come to pass Lord. According to your will.

"Bless the Lord always, bless your holy name~ amen" Love this song... Lord are u smiling? :) What is it like to be serenaded? :) Heee.... I feel like snugging my face into ur big heart...or belly ~ if u have one.... ;p

I give this moment to u....may u fill my heart wif joy and gladness for what is to come. Help me through Lord. May my heart not be downcast... help me be brave God...

2009-02-01T01:54:00.008+08:00

Hey God~~

Thanks for helping me through the rehearsal... gosh it's a lot of running and dancing!! Lol~~~ kinda dizz wif those turns...I hope I'll do good at that early morning.. O_O I pray Lord help me not to forget anything.... *Thank you*

I'm really glad for getting into the audition... just...the schedule is really tight.... I pray Lord help me out. And the company is so evil...Lord...help me to get my wages back. I need them.

Lord thank you for teaching me all those lessons lately... I'm listening... *Htu* :) I'm so glad I'm able to help EveC and Cass... Lord I pray that EveC will come to know u soon. She has many many questions abt u and I don't really know how to answer them... I pray HS give me wisdom to help her understand and help me understand... I want to know too...

*Hee* muacks~~

Lord I pray for Cass... help her in her situation Lord... I pray u'll open a way for her to be out of that "Egypt" and into the promise land that u have for her. May your strength and favor be upon her and may u open ways for her to get out and provide a job for her Lord. Please take care of her and I pray blessings to be upon her... hug her tight Lord and protect her from harm of any kind. May this be a great adventure for her wif you and may u keep her strength and help her to go to another level of faith Lord. May her lips have songs and may her songs be her healing and may her praises be her strength and joy :) Lord may u protect her, send angels n ur army of chariots to her Lord. May the battle be yours to win and I know U will no matter.

I have come to know and realize what are the complains about on going back to "Eygpt"... the comfort... now I get it... it's like a way of life and habit... kinda like putting the blindfolds ourselves so the light will not be glaring... the discomfort of adjusting to new light will go away... but then... one will be lost wif that blindfold. The enermy doesn't disappear jus cos I choose not to see...it'll jus be there till I'm ready to face them n say Go away!!! Meanwhile they clang and make noises with their threats to scatter fears around. Lord, if Peter walk on water, I wanna walk on air. I want to believe that what Jesus said that we can do much more than the last generation and glory to glory. I pray you'll equip me for what is to come. Help me be discipline Lord....

Today I see story, pictures and TV of people who needs you. It makes me think of what I'm doing now to get there... to get there one day... with what you have set out for me with drama. What should I do? I know this year I gotta do something about education and writing them out. I feel clueless... but I know you'll help me. I hate that I'm busy... *ahhh* I need to sit down and write them down!!

Lord help S... may you give her strength, courage and clarity for what is in her heart. May she live out whatever that is burning within her. I can pass the fire but she'll have to keep it burning... may she own her journey and be close to you Lord... may you help her out Lord...

Another audition is coming... should I go.... I pray I'll be able to remember... *Thank you Lord for all these opportunities!!

Thank you Lord for the table my dad gave me.... mmmmmuacks~! Heeee~~~~ I can tell he enjoys giving :) May you bless him Lord and bless me to bless him Lord.... and my mum too...

Heeee.... Lord I shall shamelessly ask you for the following :P
Me want this for birthday!!

- A watch! :P

I have been wearing the one my brother gave me for... I can't remeber how long... I wanted to buy one for a loooong time... I did but they are not expensive lasting and they broke down after a year.... so I pray that I will get one from you this year :)

-And..... a holiday to New Zealand or Australia!! :pppp For a bit~~~~ :) I so missed my trip with you Lord. I missed that so much. Help me finacially this yr~~~ I'm thinking of moving out too. I see how rental prices are falling... May you bless me financially Lord.

- And lastly~~ give me anointing to use drama as a tool to evangelise and reach out to people of all nationality Lord.

Thank you for helping me through... please equip me Father. I need you. May all dust settle and spring of life rises in me.

2009-01-29T04:46:00.002+08:00

Is sad.

2009-01-27T03:57:00.009+08:00

~~So many things at hand~~

Lord thank you for this year :) Thank you for letting me begin with so much that you have poured out for me. My hands are full and overflowing and I am grateful... *HtU* I learned so much for the past 2 weeks. *Hugs* You're my love and my best. I love you.

It's a new beginning. I'm once again back into your arms and I pray you'll help me listen intently to you... all these noises are just crowding everything out. I hate it. I need you back close and me near you... playing by your side and know where u're going. Thanks for sending me directions and people Lord. I pray you'll help me to grasp what you want me to do and help. I need FOCUS on the things you're planning to do. Lord I feel like I need to do a million tons of things and I dunno where and how to start.

I pray distractions will be away from me... I also pray you'll find a sanctuary for me to dwell... to do work.... the latest one has been... well... complicated. *covers face* I dunno how to handle it Lord. I'm flattered.... I want that place back without complications... so I can do all my work there... a little noisy but... it's still good. I'm so not ready for another roller coaster. I much prefer the ground and do some planting and sowing...

Next week is gonna be a challenge Lord... I dunno how...and if I should continue. :( It's just.... really challenging. I dunno if I can do it. Please help me to try tmr... *sigh* I need your help Lord! Memorizing...............

On the brighter side... thank YOU for the audition and the role :) Yays~~~ I'm gonna learn puppetry~! I pray Lord please help me to cope...the schedule looks crazy and.... I pray it will not clash. You always set perfect timings :) So I'm gonna trust my Lord :) *muacks* You're amazing~~~~~~~~ :)

Wish I'm at Sentosa Resort now.... silence. Water falls... White bed... Me. Wish time could go back.... I wanna make a different choice. Perhaps things might turn out different for the future. I wonder what this route I'm in gonna bring. I know You'll always be there to cover me with your love and protection. I need you. I'm not well and I need you. I need your teachings...hope...healing...I need you near. I dun wanna try anymore...

May your wind carry me to the next destination where it is fruitful and good. Where I can meet you and Lord you know my heart and where I want to belong. May your arrow be shot and sent.

Thank you. And thank you for Mark. For that window of light :)

I will listen to my heart if the 3rd wind is coming. I will be authentic and I will stand my ground. I will be me and I will learn how. Lie back and learn... lean.... Help me and show me how Lord. I pray the next one will be success. I'll wait as you help me.... to regain myself again. I need your Word. I'll dun wanna feel like I've been deceived.

Lord help me to forgive. Have victory and success... for all that is to come. I don't wanna be in that zone anymore.

I dun wanna to think of those anymore... onto new grounds! No more popping similarities coming or coming to my mind anymore Lord. No more going back and forth feeling all that!! I give them all to you. No more! No more of those at different levels and degrees. I can't Lord... I can't. I hand them all to you Lord. I want all that erased. May fear be far from me and love be close to me. Thank you Lord. Help me through Father. Only you know... and you see.

I need you and I need your help Father. Help me through... I've had enough of this. I need to figure everything out Lord. Help me. May your goodness and love follow after me all the days of my life. May your blessings be unto me in all aspects of my life Lord. Thank you. Help me through Lord. I'm waiting...
Thank you...

2009-01-08T01:47:00.004+08:00

Mixed feelings~~

Tired and feeling kinda sad... and angry.

I heard a voice but on price negotiation but I followed my voice instead and now I possibly could be taking lower or none for a project... God I'm sorry... I should have... :( the faith to ask for more. But.... I didn't.

I need to see my value and keep it. See it. Be it. I'm afraid to ask when I know I deserve so much more!!! God help me see my value and who I am and who I can be and stop settling for crap! For the millionth time, I do not deserve to be touch on the streets!!!!!!!!! God, why does it always happen to me????!?!?!??!?!!!!!!!!! Everytime when I experience that, girls around me will say - "Weird, it doesn't happen to me." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'VE HAD IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May their dirty hands rot with their dirty minds!!!

I need to practice screaming and going after them esp those that happen very fast!!! AND not care who I am with!!!!

God why do I feel like... you can't protect me... that makes me think of terrible victims of physical violence who are your children too...

I guess my only answer is everyone go through something for a reason.... for a growth and for many other things... it hurts :( I wish I have a bat with me wherever I go... or perhaps a cane....
Will I get in trouble for going after them and caning them.... that sight would be interesting to see. A disgusting grown man caned in public. I hope I can do that... bring something to protect myself in this overly crowded city.

I feel sick everytime I think about this. Makes me hate the streets, hate this crowded place, hate that I did not go after those disgusting bast***s and hate that I dun have someone to look out for me, protect me... And guy-friends or acquaintances who walked beside me when this happen, they do not defend me! They defend them!!! Like - "they dun mean it... forget about it... it already happened... maybe he had a bad day...." - and that justify their disgusting acts???!!??!!!!!! That makes it ok for them to molest females on the streets????!???!!!!!

I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling this sad and angry.

What are the men here thinking???!!!??? They do not protect the females anymore...they just give a bunch of excuses, fade away and not stand up for them. Lord may you help the men in this era to be who you created them to be. I know Adam has made the same mistake for doing nothing and not protecting Eve when the serpant enermy picked a battle with her to sin. But Jesus has erased that and has reversed that! "I can do all things through Christ..." Help them Lord.... not to hide in comfort or fear anymore.

And I'm so pissed with a bunch of aunties who just... gosh I dun even know where to start. Forget it. Terrible ppl. I will not let them in my life anymore.

God~~ help me... whatever that I need to learn...

I hope and pray this year will be good... for whatever that is you want me to start... I feel like it is going that way... I pray Lord direct me... *thank you*

Whatever it is ... Lord guide me... help me to get back and find my directions again....
Help me...

2009-01-01T23:56:00.003+08:00

Looking back too much...

Lord I feel difficult beginning wif this yr... I want to have a breakthrough in this feeling that I have... last yr was awesome yes but I want to believe for more ! I want to learn more ! Maybe that is what it is...I have to be inspired. I need to venture new grounds... I want to take up workshops again... and living wif me. And maybe a fren...

I shall not look back at my past victories. What do I do God? So I stay in the land to nurture and grow or do I spy on new grounds to conqueor... or both?

May you give me directions.

Most of all....

Lord... I pray the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

I know Lord that someone will come. I know God that something will come. I am anticipating, smiling and delighting while I hold your hand to where you wanna bring me. Or have them brought to me.

Thank you for 2009 :)

2008-12-16T22:23:00.010+08:00

My meditation of him shall be sweet: I will be glad in the Lord.

Psalms 104:34

In process: Cleaning out my wardrobe
Background: Christmas music that Dad found... lol~~ (could have save me a lot of trouble that day during his Christmas party) On the 7th day of Christmas~and it goes...

And this came to mind as I wipe my wardrobe... how magical it seems to me when I was young. Lol~~ I imagined that I could teleport to another place~~ away from everything... away from my life... and be somebody else... I didn't quite like me when I was a kid and I am still learning :) To love myself more each day. Sometimes I would go there behind those doors into my comfy layers of clothes~~ sit there... dark... wif jus a lil creak of light... and just...breathe. Sometimes I still do that...after a long day..or stressed out... (no I dun climb in anymore~lol) but I'll jus bury my head into those huge piles of clothes and listen to something that sounds like vacumn...space...peace...comfort. Calm. Just for awhile. It's nice :) Then I'll go... "God......" I guess He'll go... "I know..."

I'll go behind those doors when I was hiding from my brother, or my mum & granny's loud squabble... ya they used to fight a lot... funny thing is now my mum find her funny~~ lol~~

Makes me think... what legacy did my grandma leave behind...?
What do I wanna leave behind?

I have heard stories that my grandma is a strong woman and no one bullies her. She stands for herself and real stubborn too. In her last few years... she was still fierce. To the point of traumatising me... I wonder who have I told this to... hmmm... But thank God I dun really think about it anymore... jus hate violence stuff...

Story goes one night she was going crazy that she couldn't find something. And as usual, she thinks someone stole it. She always suspect me or my mum...and always accuse us of taking her things... it has become her routine to recount her money, jewelries and other "precious" every night. Though she is saved by the Lord but I think that is a stronghold on her...

And since, I seriously hate being accused. I hate it when people do not trust me... They don't know who I am.

Everyone has gone to sleep...except her. In the middle of the night, she came to my room and banged on my door. (I have moved to another room and sleep on my own since 13.) She was screaming and accusing me of stealing her things and demand that I open my wardrobe for her to check. I was tired and seriously furious... I was really sick and tired of the accusations...every week I will have a few dose of that...it was just draining. I yelled and said I didn't take it and I will not open my wardrobe. I closed my door and tried going back to sleep.

Here comes the drama...

My grandma went to the kitchen, took the chopper (which by the way is huge like the size of my 2 palms) went to my wardrobe and started chopping down the door. I heard the sound and I couldn't made up what it was, so I went to see. Seeing her chopping my wardrobe door was seriously a traumatising sight. Where did the grandma whom I know gone to... Where did the grandma who used to tell me her life stories, war stories, tales of what is what and the whys in everything gone to... She seem like a mad woman now... and God knows if she might be furious enough to possibly kill me. Yes that thought came across my mind.

Seeing what I saw... I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I went to my parents' room mad, crying and scare at the same time... yelling for them to go see what grandma is doing. Then I went to my room, close the door and locked it... The thought of her coming for me was still there. I think my mum tried to see if I'm ok after my dad convinced her to put the chopper down. I told her yes and I was going to sleep so go rest~

I was traumatised.

My wardrobe still bares the marks of the chopper~

Looking back... I wouldn't want to remember my grandma that way. She wasn't like that all the time. I heard stories from my mum how smart she was with people and everyone would give her some respect cos well...she was fierce~~lol~~ She must have done something right. My dad, uncles and aunties are all great people and they are all closely knitted though they were all separated when they were young. My dad is a honest guy and he always did the right thing. I have never caught him lying~cheating or anything close... I would say he's a man of integrity and no one would say otherwise :)

My dad has gone through many hardships... carrying tires that are twice his size when he was 12 or was it 11... the tires were so heavy and everyday he needs to move about 20..or was it more... His boss would always scold him stupid, good for nothing and a waste of rice. If this still exist now...that boss would have been in prison for child labour~ Though tough, my dad never gave up~~ he continued on everyday...doing his best. I can see he is still doing his best now for the Lord though he's "advance" :p That reminded me of what I used to learn in church camp. Spirit of excellence. Wanna give, give our best to the Lord. He deserve nothing but. Wanna do, do the best, if not - dun do.

Anyways back to my grandma~ she is beautiful~ and funny~ some of the things she made up to say... lol~~ I can't quite remember them but they are funny when my mum tells me stories~ :) My grandma used to tell me a lot of stories till I fall asleep. And sometimes I would be sooo annoying to her *Lol* I would keep asking her~ "Are you asleep?" 5 mins later... "Are you asleep??" And so on... And sometimes I would ask her stupid stuff... all kids do that... Why do people say turtles live a long life? Why does turtle have a long life? *Lol~~* I wonder if I'll be able to answer my grand daughter that question when I grow old... *Lol~~*

Every passing day is a history... what am I marking down? Where am I going? où?
What is in the plans for next year God? Put them in my heart... and may I not waste any of the time given to me before I see you... I shall take the baton and just run...whatever & where ever it is... direct my steps~

Prov 16:9
A man's heart plans his course, but Yahweh directs his steps.

Prov 16:3
Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

Lord thank you for this year~ It has been a great adventure with you :)
So it has began!!! :D

*Armor time*

More next~! !

2008-12-10T00:01:00.006+08:00

The Cockroach Slayer

11.38pm... halfway typing to susi... *flaps flaps* *lands*
A bloody flying cockroach has landed in my room~~~!!!!

*the horror*

I screamed...and ran like any...ok fine... ran like MOST lady would...screaming... for my dad.

And if he's not around... I would just be screaming for my life.

He came in and ever so casually went - what?
I was like.. COCKROACH !!! yikessssss~~~!!!!!!

Again, very casually wif a little frown due to my distress... he asked - where?
That THING was inking inches away from his elbow at the door.... my door was half closed.
I pointed and again screamed since it started FLYING !!! *Grrrrr~~~~*

My dad went out... took 2 folds of newspaper and rolled it..
Came in with a mission.... cockroach-must-die-for-making-precious-daughter-scream-at-almost-12-midnight.

*Searches*
*SMack*
*Flies~~*

*YIKes* ~ me

*Chases*
*Searches again*
*SMAck~!*
*Flies~~~*

*yikessss!!!* - me

*Chases*
*SMACK SMACK*
*Struggles*

Me at the the side cheering..... die cockroach DIE!!!!
I wanted to say smack more!! But I shall let the hero do his slaying without interruptions....

*Struggles and tries to run*

*yikes yikes~!!* ~ me

*Smack sMAck SMacK*

*how-come-it's-still-alive look* ~dad

*smacks lightly*
*Cockcroach dies*

*Relieve~~!!!!!!* ~ me
*Smiles* ~ dad

He carried his slayed trophy on the folded newspaper and flushed it down the water hole~~~~

*CHEERS~~~~~*

I was smiling and felt saved~! Hehehehe~~~ It's good to have a man around to kill your dragons! And my dad has slayed the dragon...cockroach~~ for me!
He is my hero tonight~~~ :)

Down wif cockroaches!!!
I love my dad~~~~
:)

2008-12-09T14:31:00.005+08:00

From a friend~~

Psalm 23

The Lord is my Shepherd = That’s Relationship!
I shall not want = That’s Supply!
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures = That’s Rest!
He leadeth me beside the still waters = That’s Refreshment!
He restoreth my soul = That’s Healing!
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness = That’s Guidance
For His name sake = That’s Purpose!
Yea, though I walk through the valley of t he shadow of death = That’s Testing!
I will fear no evil = That’s Protection!
For Thou art with me = That’s Faithfulness
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me = That’s Discipline
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies = That’s Hope!
Thou annointes t my head with oil = That’s Consecration!
My cup runneth over = That’s Abundance!
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life = That’s Blessing !
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord = That’s Security!
Forever = That’s Eternity!
Face it, the Lord is crazy about you.
I thought this was pretty special, just like YOU!!!

What is most valuable,
is not what we have in our lives, but
WHO we have in our lives!
‘ Do not ask the Lord to Guide your Footsteps if you are not willing to move your Feet’
GOD is there for you.

I love it :)

2008-12-08T00:10:00.001+08:00

I pray one day... I will get to meet you... you who loves me more than _____.. you who rescues me. You make me smile & me to you, you who shares my burdens and load... you who understands... my heart, my SOUL... I pray that day will come and we will lie down and watch the stars together... listen to the crashing waves and smile in quietness of each other's presence with You.

Reminiscing our past, present & future that is more than forever.

But for now...All I need is You.
*Loves*

~~For the real you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MV63_Vmf-74&feature=related